Let it Go
by CuriosityKilledTheSquirrel
Summary: Alice shifted so that she was on the edge of the couch, and she looked up at me. “Are you done?” I tried to hide the dejection I felt and nodded. If Alice wasn't ready to forgive me, I couldn't expect much from the rest of her family.
1. Chapter 1

**Here it is. The new story. I told myself time and time again that I would never, ever, ever do a story like this. It was cliché, annoying, and always ticked me off whenever I came across them. But then I began exploring the possibilities, and the plot line began to appeal to me. I'm sure you'll recognize the cliché just a few paragraphs in. -Curiosity**

**CHAPTER ONE- "Famous Last Words," by My Chemical Romance and "How You Remind Me," by Nickelback**

It was dark. And not just the "turn off the lights on the way to bed" kind of dark. I literally could not see my hand in front of my face. The lack of my sight made me shudder with fear, and claustrophobia consumed me. It had the effect of being in a tight box- I was frozen in my standing position, and my vocal chords seemed disconnected from my body.

"I heard he left you." A voice, sweet as sugar, melted into the silence. I wasn't sure what I was shivering for- her voice or the sudden, but not unexpected turn that our "conversation" had taken. "Said he didn't want you, that you weren't good enough for him."

Breaking free of my statue-like position, I reflexively wrapped my arms around my waist. If I hadn't, I may have just fallen apart right there. I didn't like remembering, and I had done a good job of it the past few years. Hearing her talk about it in her pigtails-and-bubblegum voice was like ripping a scab off of a newly healed cut.

"Now, now, now," She continued. "Don't do that. I want to see all of you, to see why they went to such measures to protect such a silly human." And then again- tearing yet another scab. "He left you anyways."

A yelp jumped from my throat as I felt my arm being wrenched from my side by a cold hand. The silence was ruined by a loud "_Snap!_" and I felt a sharp pain in my elbow. It was, no doubt, broken. I screamed again as the motion was repeated on my other arm. The limbs laid limp in her grasp, useless. I'd never felt so helpless.

"There," She said, a satisfactory smile present in her voice. "Much better. But I still only see a stupid human girl."

I wasn't sure which hurt was worse: my broken arms, or the hole that was attempting to destroy me from the inside out. Her insults were useless. I'd repeated them to myself enough for so long. Hearing her say them didn't have the effect that she wished. I knew I wasn't worth the effort they had given to protect me. I _was_ just a stupid human girl.

Her cold hands snaked to mine, and I felt her brushing her stone thumb against my palm. "Well, Bella? Aren't you going to say anything?"

My mouth moved in a wordless response, but my vocal chords seemed miles away.

I could feel her frowning at my silence, and I became aware of a new type of pain- the crunching of my fingers in her grip. I gasped, the feeling of needles stabbing through my hands. Tears sprang to my eyes, and my heart thudded solidly against my chest.

"Say something!" she hissed. "I want to hear your pathetic voice!"

The hole in my chest was still the most painful of all, so I blurted the first thing my mouth would say. "He left me!" I noticed faintly how strangely dull my voice had sounded compared to the soprano song of hers.

"That's right." She was content again, and she dropped my arms. I cried out when my elbows reacted to the sudden weight they supported. It was silent for a while, but I knew she had walked some distance from me, because when she spoke again, her voice was far away. "God, you reek of Wolf."

Wolves. Jacob. I thought of my fiance's happy grin and only felt more lonely. When _he_- I refused to say his name, even to myself- didn't return after graduation and my first year of college, I gave into Jacob's eternal pleas. I tried to put the past behind me and submitted to him, allowing myself to suppress fading memories.

It worked for a bit. His easy-going personality distracted me, made it easier for me to relax. But things still haunted my dreams. Sick, twisted, images that always wanted to torture me. I'd be running through the forest, unable to find my way out. Or sometimes I'd find my way out and _he'd_ be there. I'd walk up to him, his face achingly beautiful, and then he'd glower at me, turning and disappearing before I could speak.

But I stayed with Jacob. It was just a bit easier that way.

"I'm sorry." I wasn't of course, but I thought so for a different reason than the normal. I didn't want to tick her off by smelling bad. I just figured she'd kill me quicker that way.

Lights were suddenly flung on, and I winced at the brightness that momentarily blinded me. When my eyes focused, my gaze landed on her, leaning against a doorway. Her fiery hair was neatly brushed around her face, so different than the way I'd first seen her that day in the meadow. She had a content smirk on her angelic face, and her charcoal eyes were almost laughing. Victoria, the subject of several of my nightmares. The reason I couldn't be alone. The vampire that wanted my blood.

But, yet, in the light, I couldn't bring myself to be afraid. Much like when I had realized that James had tricked me and I was about to die. Well, damn, that sucks. It was stupid to be afraid- that was left for people who had _hope. _This situation was absolutely hopeless. I had no chance.

While my thoughts were settled on James and my experience in Phoenix, I realized where I was. Another ballet studio, with a small camera settled on top of a tri-pod.

Despite myself, I snorted. "That's not very creative." My voice was shockingly level. "Trying to finish the job that James couldn't? What- do you plan on tracking down the Cullens to give them that DVD?" I was amazed at how easily I could say that name when I was so ready to die.

Her answering hiss was loud, furious. It stirred memories that I didn't bother ignoring, seeing as how the hole in my chest was gaping, ready to eat me alive. "How dare you?" I didn't see her move, just heard a sharp shattering in my shoulders as I flew to the ground. My head cracked against the wooden floor.

I didn't bother screaming or trying to run. I guess this was what I had wanted all along. For it to end, be over. The part of my mind that protested against these suicidal thoughts was silenced with guilt. You were with Jacob. Lying to him _and_ yourself. These statements, along with others that I didn't want to repeat to myself, were what made it easy to want to die. I didn't deserve to live. I wasn't good enough for _him. _I wasn't good enough for Jacob. I wasn't even good enough for Mike or Tyler.

So I stared at the ceiling, ignoring her livid ranting. Her shrill voice was annoying, and I thought, _am I so dumb that my last thoughts are "She's annoying?" _It was almost laughable. I smiled.

It was a bad move. Victoria saw the slight raising of the corners of my lips and hissed again, lunging at me. I felt her stone knee pressing into my stomach, shoving my organs aside painfully. My vision was filled with her red hair as she leaned to my neck, ripping the thin skin with her teeth. Her tongue was cold as she lapped up the hot liquid that-

"_Miss Swan?"_

I snapped to attention, slamming my hands on my desk louder than I had meant to. It acted as an anchor, holding me to the waking world. Gasping, I allowed my gaze to rest on the fifteen-year-old in front of me. "Yes?" I asked breathlessly. "What do you need, Haley?"

The girl looked at me timidly, holding a small stack of papers out to me. "My report? You said I could bring it to you before homeroom and you'd look over it."

I nodded, taking the report and rubbing the sleep from my eyes. "Thank you, Haley. I'll see you fifth period."

She smiled hesitantly at me before turning and walking out of the classroom.

Once she was gone, I groaned to myself and dropped the report on top of a small pile of papers I needed to grade. I let my head fall into my hands, sighing deeply. The clock in the back of the room told me that it was almost time for first period to start, and I had yet to make copies of the worksheets I was going to have the class do. Shoving my dream aside, as I usually did, I stood and grabbed a folder of papers, gliding out of the room.

I don't know what it was that drew me to teaching. Of all the professions I could have chosen with my enhanced abilities- lawyer, NASA employee, scientist- I chose to teach Freshman/Sophomore biology at Herman High School. It was an idiotic move, but after my life had gone down the drain, I felt I needed to do something totally unlike me. I needed to get away from Bella Swan and create a new life. Therefor, several-hour-weeks and low pay beckoned me.

I started college anew in North Michigan, just below Lake Superior. My first job there was as an assistant teacher (I was pretending to be nineteen), and when I graduated with a degree, I took on my own classes as the youngest among my employees. As of now, I was "twenty-six." I wouldn't be able to stay for too much longer- I could only pass off my twenty-one-year-old face for so long.

While none of the students bothered greeting me, I couldn't help but notice several pairs of eyes evaluating me. It had been that way from the first time I had allowed myself in public (A disaster, it had turned out to be. I nearly killed two children), and by now, I was used to it. My eerie beauty was strange, even to me at times, and it no longer bothered me when my students gaped and stared. It _was_ a small setback that none of the other teachers would speak to me, whether it be from jealousy or the human instinct telling them to stay away. I missed having friends to talk to.

I floated into the main office, stepping up to the copy machine with a yawn. Two balding men were already there, one collecting identical tests that the machine spat out. I leaned against the wall as I waited, toying with a string that had come loose on my form-fitting slacks.

"I swear, she was gorgeous," one of the men, Mr. Keaton, said in a low voice. "She was absolutely_ hot. _I had a hard time remembering that she was a student."

Okay. Ew. And sometimes I didn't miss human companionship.

Both of the men started as I cleared my throat, alerting them of my presence. They must have not heard me coming, because they jumped and turned a strange shade of red. Ah. I didn't miss blushing either. They were silent after that, and Mr. Keaton collected his tests before hurrying out of the office.

Yawning again, I took his place at the copy machine, lifting the tray and lining up one of the worksheets. Of course, the weirdest thing about my changing was not the undeniable thirst or my offsetting beauty- it was the fact that I could still sleep. I distinctly remember that every other vampire I met couldn't sleep. But, then, when was anything ever normal for me? Even when I was a miserable blood-sucker?

I hummed a vaguely familiar song to myself as I waited for the copies to print, patiently twirling a lock of my smooth, chestnut-colored hair around my finger. I'd barely slept any last night, and due to my awful nap a few moments ago, I figured it wouldn't be any better tonight. My nightmares weren't _nightmares_, really; they were more like repressed memories trying to resurface. I never dreamed of anything that hadn't happened before.

A few moments later, the bell shrieked and I nearly jumped a mile. I bounced on my knees impatiently as the copier continued to print oh-so-slowly. Who knew what my first class was doing right now? Tearing apart the room? Writing immature things on the white board? As soon as the last worksheet was done, I snatched all of the papers from the machine, tucked them in the folder I held, and dashed out of the office.

If there was one thing I was having trouble controlling, it wasn't my thirst. It was terribly difficult for me to remember not to run too quickly or hear things that I shouldn't. While it was hilarious to hear childish gossip and call my students out on it, it was troublesome and annoying when I responded to something said _outside _of the class. I remembered this as I resisted running at full speed to my classroom, clutching the folder to my chest, and soon enough, I ducked inside.

It wasn't complete chaos- there were a few paper balls being thrown and a couple kissing passionately in the back of the room, but it was chaos enough for me. "Class!" I exclaimed, slamming the folder onto the overhead. "In your seats! Now!"

It's safe to say I wasn't the most popular of the teachers. But, hey, who said I needed them to like me?

Soon enough, all of the students (mostly sophomores) were sitting in their correct desks, deadly silent. It was one thing I enjoyed about their human instincts- I rarely had to deal with disruptive kids. "Now," I began, dusting an invisible hair off of my jacket. "Who can explain endocytosis to me?"

Class drew on slowly, and it only took a few minutes of reviewing for me to get impatient and hand out the newly printed worksheets. They worked quietly enough, despite the soft whispers of a gossipy group of girls in the back, and that pleased me. I usually didn't mind their talking while they worked, but because of my morning-ruining dream, every little thing seemed to be irritating me.

Why now? Why today, of all days, should I dream of the second worst day of my life? I'd gone ten years without having a nightmare about Victoria and the day I was changed, so why did it have to resurface on a Monday morning?

The pencil I'd been using to revise Haley's report snapped under my grip and I tensed, quickly dropping the broken pieces of wood onto the desk. My glare darted to my students, searching for any overly-curious eyes. When I found none, I breathed a silent sigh of relief and brushed the pencil's remains into my hand. I looked to my side, where my trashcan usually lived, but it wasn't there. Frowning, my eyes landed on the black bucket all the way across the room. With a soft growl of frustration, I stood up and glided to the back of the classroom.

My scowl deepened as I realized that the janitor hadn't opened the liner and put it in the trashcan. It sat lazily beside my foot and I had to resist kicking it. Instead, I knelt down and struggled to open the liner with one hand- the other being filled with shattered wood and lead.

I heard the door opening and closing behind me, but I was too distracted to look up. The thick plastic of the black bag was sticking to my pants, static electricity making the hair on my arms stand up. But then I heard an all-too-familiar voice whisper, "Excuse me, has the teacher stepped out?"

The broken pencil fell from my hand, as did the trashcan liner. I didn't bother picking them up- I'd deal with it later. My mind was more focused on the voice behind me and the scents that were floating towards me. Panic welled inside of me, and at the same time, an irrational sense of joy. I quickly shoved the latter emotion aside and stood up on shaky knees.

"I'm here," I whispered, turning around slowly to face the owner of the voice. Alice. She, I'd been expecting- I'd know her voice anywhere. But seeing the bronze-haired god next to her made my breath catch in my throat. His eyes were a warm, caramel color, one that I'd become accustomed to, but they were dead, lifeless. His frown seemed like it was permanent, and even his hair didn't have the same playfulness I remembered. He wasn't the one I'd tried to forget. He was just a body. An empty shell.

I tried several times to swallow the lump that had formed just above my collarbone, but to no avail. "How can I help you?" I finally said, my musical voice trembling.

The shock on their faces matched mine, and something sparked in his dead eyes. They were suddenly alive, lit with fire and confusion. "Well, Edward," I heard Alice whisper too quietly for the other students to hear. "Aren't you glad you stuck around before asking to switch classes?"

And I know I should have pulled them outside and demanded what they were doing here. And I know I should have been ecstatic to see their faces. And I know I should have moved from the spot where I'd frozen. The only thing running through my mind, though, was "How ironic." The first time he'd made the decision not to kill me, the first time he'd spoken to me, and the first time I'd been dazzled by him... They'd all happened in a biology class. And what what was I doing now? Teaching a biology class.

You see the irony, no?

Alice was the first to recover. She held up a small sheet of paper. "We're new. This is supposed to be our first period?"

I nodded numbly, commanding my feet to take a step. Somehow managing to make it to my desk, I sat down in my chair, picking up a pen and taking the paper she offered. Her eyes were wide, bright with excitement as she watched me sign my name in the first blank. "Welcome to my class, Miss Cullen."

I looked up, then, and Edward was staring at me with a look of frustration and pain. "You too, Mr. Cullen." I took his paper, making sure not to touch his skin, and signed it as well, holding both sheets out for them to take. "We're studying active transport. Do you think you can catch up?" It was surprisingly easy to keep up my little charade with the students sitting and staring. I feared for after class, though, when I would no longer have an audience.

"I think we can manage," Alice replied for the both of them. Her smile was blinding, and her hand continued to grip the strap of her purse tightly.

And then he spoke. Even though I was a vampire, and his velvet voice shouldn't affect me as much as it would if I was human, it still knocked the breath out of me. "It was all for nothing?" He asked, the silky purr edged with anger. "All those years?"

After a few moments of breathing deeply through my nose, I let my eyes flicker behind them. "There's an empty table in the back." I said, not wanting to bring up the past thirteen years in front of my biology class. I wasn't even sure if I wanted to bring it up in a private room. I wasn't sure if I wanted to speak to them at all.

Oh, please. Don't even try and fool yourself, Bella.

Alice turned immediately, bouncing towards the table in the back. Her brother, after a moment, reluctantly followed, not taking his eyes from me. I tried to look back at Haley's report and concentrate on the words in front of me, but they swam around the paper, much like the thoughts in my head.

He was there. Less than ten feet away. After thirteen years of wondering if we'd even been on the same continent, he was sitting in my classroom, ignoring the worksheets I'd had the students pass them. The hole that I'd thought would stay shut was suddenly ripped open, and I wrapped my arms around myself, leaning over and touching my forehead to the desk.

I'd go up to the office and swear I was sick. It shouldn't be too hard to convince the principal- a quick batting of the eyelashes, putting on a pitiful facade. I should be able to do it easy. But as much as I commanded my body to get up and move, to pick up the phone at my side and call the office to request a substitute, I was glued to my seat, my breath coming quick and shallow. The force of his gaze held me to my spot, even if I couldn't see him.

I could hear the frantic scribbling of several pencils on paper, and with a combination of seven years of experience and extra sensitive hearing, it was easy to tell that everyone was more focused on the new students and my reaction to them than the eating habits of an amoeba. I hoped that they didn't pay too much attention. It wouldn't be a good thing for them to notice that my health suddenly took a negative turn the moment _they_ arrived.

They could obviously feel the sparking electricity between the Cullens and I as well. Their whispers suddenly intensified, silent enough that a normal teacher wouldn't have heard anything, but of course, I picked it up.

"Do you think Miss Swan's taught them before?"

"No, my older brother had her _his_ freshman year, too. She couldn't have had them- she's too young."

"Well, maybe she's had one of theirolder siblings?"

"I guess that might work."

I was too busy trying to focus on breathing to silence them. It'd been ten years since I'd felt so helpless, and all because he was sitting in the same room as me. I felt more afraid than anything. He'd left me, let me get lost in the forest, let me be captured by Victoria... I didn't know why I felt afraid, but I did. What did he think of me now? Was I still not good enough for him? Was he going to make his family leave again? Just because I was teaching here?

The bell rang again after what seemed like forever, and I tried to distract myself by emailing the attendance to the front office. It didn't work very well. When the bell screamed for a second time, the class stood and shuffled out of the room at a faster pace than necessary.

I kept my eyes on the door as they all filed out. Well, all but two. Edward and Alice inconspicuously stayed behind, gathering their things at a slower pace than even a human would. The psychic danced to my desk as soon as the students were out.

"Oh, my god, Bella! What are you doing here?" She was exactly the same as I remembered, if not just a bit shorter. But, hey, that was from my doing, not hers. "You look amazing!"

Her brother stood at her side, his eyes flickering from lost to furious. His gaze never moved from my face, and I felt uncomfortable under the weight it held.

"Get to class," I finally choked out. "You don't want to be late."

Alice's face fell, but Edward's only darkened with frustration. But then, as he turned to leave, it was lightened a bit with something else- relief. His sister left more reluctantly than he did, but after a moment of watching me wordlessly, she followed.

As I watched them float out of the classroom, I frowned. Two down, three to go. Who knew when Rosalie, Emmett, and Jasper would walk into my room? My hands clenched in fear.


	2. Chapter 2

**Just to clear things up: Yes, Bella and Edward are the main pairing. And she was twenty-one when she was changed, technically thirty-one in this story. Four year difference between her human years and Edward's. It's been thirteen years since the Cullens left Forks. **

**CHAPTER TWO- "All Around Me," by Flyleaf**

Jasper was a saint. He really was.

My entire fifth period was a little less hellish than the first, but still hellish nonetheless. Apparently, Alice had already filled in her husband and siblings on her new favorite biology teacher, so when the rest of the Cullen children filed in the room, their faces were open, expectant. I took a deep breath and signed the papers that they held. Though I'm sure they hadn't thought that Alice had lied, the surprise on their face when they saw me was still pure and obvious.

Emmett was bouncing in his seat the entire hour, acting more like a seven-year-old than a one-hundred-and-three-year-old. His wide grin was bigger than any I'd ever seen, even on him. Rosalie often had to step on his foot to keep him from blurting out something ridiculously cover-blowing.

The blond goddess herself was hard to explain. There was an expression on her face that I couldn't quite make out. I knew she had hated me when Edward and I had been together- the past tense made the hole in my chest throb- but I couldn't see any hate in her eyes now. A bit of anger, yes, but that was nothing compared to the glares she used to give me. She seemed confused, mostly, and I wasn't quite sure what about.

Jasper, as I've said, was a saint. He noticed my anxiety immediately and sent a wave of calmness over me. As much as I wanted to run from the room screaming, I wanted to throw my arms around him and proclaim my thanks to the world. The choking uncomfortable feeling had been dulled, if not completely destroyed, and I was free to review transport proteins with my students without having to explain to them why I was hyperventilating.

After class, they all slipped out of the room- without a word, thank God- and I was free to go to pieces again. Sixth period passed by uneventfully, as did seventh. When the last bell finally rang, I was so eager to leave that I nearly forgot that I was supposed to upload grades. Yipee.

I sat at my computer with an impatient sigh, grabbing a stack of papers and sitting it in my lap. Resting my hand on the mouse, I brought up seventh period's chart and clicked on the first empty blank- Jordan Barfield. I quickly typed in his grade and then moved on to Derek Burgess. Repeat.

At this point, I was so ready to just run a million miles away that I was just about to give everyone a one-hundred. It was just a worksheet after all, right? No. I dismissed the thought with a shake of my head. It would be wrong, unfair to the other classes. So, slowly, tortuously, I added each appropriate grade, frowning as time passed at a painstaking rate.

Just as I typed in the last grade- Britney Zoellner, a smart girl with red hair and glasses- I heard their muted whispers.

"I don't care what you do, Edward, but _be careful_. She's afraid, really. I felt her fear." Jasper's voice, obviously.

"Well, what am I supposed to do? Just walk in and start talking to her about the weather, school, how the hell she's one of us?" His voice was furious, once again. I wasn't sure what I wanted to think. Was he mad at _me_? Or just frustrated that they'd chosen this school out of millions?

"That would work fine for me." Rosalie whispered sarcastically. "I just want to know what she's doing here." I could hear the lie in her voice, though I wasn't sure what she would need to lie about.

"Me too." Emmett offered.

"Look," Alice began, always the voice of reason. "I agree with Carlisle. We haven't seen Bella in thirteen years, and vice versa. It would probably be best for us to just-"

"She's supposed to be dead!" Edward interrupted angrily. "You _told _me she was!" I didn't know if I should be offended, confused, or jubilant that I could hear the pain in his voice. So I decided on all three.

I could tell that Alice was giving him a level gaze because he quieted. My hands had frozen halfway to my bag and I let them fall to my lap silently. When she began again, she was calm. "As I was saying, I think we should listen to Carlisle and give her a while. You saw how she reacted just by seeing us. Give her a few days to adjust before approaching her."

It was quiet in the hall for a long time before he hissed, "Fine," and started back towards the door. His footsteps were soft, almost soundless as he walked away.

"Alice, how could you make such a mistake?" Rosalie snapped in her still-hushed voice. "You said you saw her jump off a cliff!"

Talk of my Great Depression made my frown deeper. I didn't like remembering crying late into the night, having to pull off onto the side of the road to hold myself together. Jumping off the cliff hadn't been a suicide attempt, though. I just foolishly wanted to hear Edward's voice. Jacob had rescued me, luckily, so I shouldn't be dead.

"I did!" Alice insisted. "She jumped and then her future disappeared! I swear, I tried looking for it all the time! It was never there."

"It's alright, Alice," Jasper murmured. "That's in the past. We don't blame you."

That was all that was said before they followed after Edward. I inhaled deeply, trying to command the frogs in my stomach to stop doing cartwheels. My hands shook as I collected my things and shuffled out into the mostly empty parking lot.

As soon as I reappeared in the human world, I noticed my lack of an available car. With the money I'd saved up, I bought myself a nice 2002 Pontiac Grand Am. It had been used, so it didn't do too much damage to my bank account, and it wasn't in horrible shape, just a bit of trouble with screechy breaks now and then. I ran my hand over the faded, black paint job as I walked around to the driver's side and opened the door. Shoving my large bag in the passenger's seat first, I climbed in, tucking the key in the ignition and turning it sharply. Sometimes I missed the deafening roar of my truck.

My small, two-bedroom house was close to the school, if not out of sight. It took all of seven minutes for me to pull off onto my road and then another four or so to find my way though a mile of grass, trees, and large bushes. Of course, that was considering that I drove twenty miles over the speed limit. I didn't ignore the laws as much as the Cullens had, but it was a bit uncomfortable when I had to drive slowly. It had started a couple years after I was changed- when I realized that I was driving _way_ too fast. I hadn't even noticed until I looked at the speedometer.

As I predicted, I didn't sleep well that night. I had horrible dreams of my eighteenth birthday party, my last real contact with the Cullens. I awoke to silence, half expecting _him_ to be there, but then I remembered that I was thirty-one, not eighteen. That made me realize that this was going to be a horrible week. So, I got up, chose my clothes, got a shower, dressed, and drug myself outside and to school.

The day passed uneventfully. I resisted hyperventilation during first period; dealt with freshmen classes second and fourth; relaxed fifth; and then attempted to make it through sixth and seventh without losing my mind. It went on like that for the rest of the week, and I'm sure that by Saturday, I looked like a zombie. Even my students were noticing the subtle differences- such as my socks being mismatched, my normally perfect hair looking in fashionable disarray, and my lessons drifting to meaningless babbling.

It was the next Monday morning that I realized that this couldn't go on. I'd gone on for ten years just fine- well, we'll leave that up to interpretation- without them and now I couldn't live normally because they were my students? I don't think so. So when I woke up, I put on some disgustingly peppy music and danced while I got dressed. I had to put on my big-girl pants and grow up. They weren't endangering my life in any way, so I wasn't going to let their presence bother me any longer.

Of course, that bravado attitude dissolved as soon as Alice and Edward walked into the classroom. I had to admit- he did look a bit better than the first time I saw him a week ago. His eyes, while still mysteriously guarded, were a little warmer, and his expressions were more animated. When I forced myself to keep up the act and call on him for a question, he would hide a smirk and promptly answer correctly. Other than that, though, we didn't communicate.

Alice wasn't as bad as that. She, Emmett, and Jasper would all offer me little "Hello's" whenever they saw me, taking it slow, I assume. Sometimes Emmett would even make a joke off of something I'd said in class, lightening the atmosphere, and Alice had complimented my hair more than once. It was a painful process, but I appreciated their efforts.

It was confusing, though. Why would they try to be nice to me if they'd left in the first place?

"Okay," I asked my seventh period class, all sophomores. "Who wants to explain turgor pressure to me?" My gaze scanned over a few raised hands before settling on one in the front row. "Yes, Aaron?"

He burst into a smile- he was thought of as a know-it-all among his classmates- and began a detailed description of a plant cell's pressure against its wall.

I nodded. "Very good." My eyes locked on a gossiping girl in the back of the room. "Amanda? In what kind of solution would the turgor pressure of a cell be very high?" I resisted a smile as she sat up straight and gaped at me like a fish.

"Uh," She said after a few moments of staring. "Isotonic?"

I shook my head. "Hypotonic. Pay attention."

She blushed and muttered, "Such a witch" before slouching in her seat and pouting. I opened my mouth to say something to her, but the last bell screamed, interrupting me. Giving her a look, I reminded them all about their homework before dismissing them. They happily ran off, leaving me to myself.

It didn't take a long time to put in grades. I hadn't given a test or a worksheet, so all I had to do was give out participation one-hundreds. Maybe an eighty for Amanda... Once that was done, I once more gathered my bag and stepped into the hallway, locking the door behind me.

The day _was_ a bit better. I was able to keep my composure after fifth period, so I suppose that counts as improvement. First hour, though, was one thing I doubted would ever change. Maybe if I asked really, really nicely, Alice could convince Jasper to arrange his schedule so he was in hers and Edward's class. That would help a lot. But, then again, that would have to involve me actually speaking to one of the Cullens. I wasn't sure if I could pull that off quite yet.

I walked through the halls silently, my heels clicking softly against the patterned tile. The quiet was a bit offsetting. Too quiet, cliché as it sounds. And then, as if on cue, I felt a strong arm wrap around my waist and yank me into an empty classroom. My first instinct was to scream, of course, but that'd draw way too much attention to my liking. I crushed a hand over my mouth to keep a shout inside. But then I remembered that a human couldn't have pulled me as sharply as my kidnapper had, and I wanted to scream all over again.

The arm spun me around and I found myself looking up at Edward. His jaw was set, his eyes blazing with intensity. Well, crap. I'd been expecting for him to demand an explanation for a while, but it made fear creep up my throat as I realized that we were so close that we were touching. Thirteen years seemed like an eternity ago. Suddenly, as if I were a teenager again, I couldn't form a coherent thought. I kept trying to fit words together, find some way to tell him everything that had happened since he'd left, but as soon as I got two thoughts straight, I'd lose them again.

After what seemed like forever, I managed to open my mouth, ready to say four intelligent words: what are you doing? But before my vocal chords could attempt what was sure to be a massacre of speech, he leaned down and brushed his lips across mine.

This time, I knew what to think: Okay, what?

Once again, I didn't follow my first instinct- pulling away- and stood frozen. The hole in my chest- where my heart was supposed to be- suddenly closed over. Only a dull ache was left. His lips were so soft, so different than what I remembered. His taste was just the same, though- sweet and intoxicating. We were both still for a moment before he crushed his mouth to mine, more urgently and demanding. He knotted his hands in my hair and breathed a sigh of satisfaction.

My body automatically reacted, and I pressed myself to him before I was aware of what I was doing. We kept kissing for God knows how long until I felt a painful tug at my heart. Not a physical pain, of course, but one that told me what we were doing was wrong.

"You've been with someone else, haven't you?" He unexpectedly whispered.

I broke away, suddenly realizing why my conscience was tugging at my heart. "Yes," I replied, pushing away from him.

He said something I hadn't seen coming. "Good." My eyebrows shot up in confusion, but he ignored it and pulled me back to him.

It took me a moment to compose myself after he kissed me again, but somehow I did it. I untangled my hands from his hair and took several steps back, inhaling deeply to try and clear my mind. The look on his face as I wrapped my arms around myself was one I couldn't explain. I wasn't sure if he was mad or hurt or confused. But then again, I never was very good at reading him.

Before I knew what was happening, a wave of pain crashed over me and I suddenly couldn't look at him anymore. It hurt far too much. I grabbed my bag where I had dropped it by the door and scrambled out, not bothering to run at human speed. He called after me, but my name fell on deaf ears. I didn't want to hear him, for once. The hole in my chest may have healed, but another wound was throbbing nonetheless.


	3. Chapter 3

**Thank you so much for your reviews! They're so encouraging and keep my hopes up. :)**

**CHAPTER THREE- "One Step Closer," by Linkin Park and "Every Time," by Britney Spears **

"Charlie, how _could _you?" A soprano voice shouted, the owner of the exclamation on the verge of tears. "I left her with you. I _trusted _her with you. How could you let this happen?" The soprano was sniffling, holding back sobs.

"What was I supposed to do, Renee? How could I have prevented this?" Another voice, slightly calmer, retorted. There was the sound of shuffling downstairs as the two voices became nearer. The soprano didn't reply, just filled the air with the sound of her crying.

In my heart, I'm sure I knew who they were. The voices were familiar, and the names made something in me twitch with life. But nothing made sense, all my mind knew was that they were two noises. Two voices interrupting my peace, the calm environment where I didn't have to get up and pretend everything was okay.

There was another noise, a door opening, and then footsteps. A hand touched my back, and I flinched, unblinking. What was happening? Who was trying to wake me up? "Bella?" the soprano asked, and a face appeared in my line of vision.

Bella? That sounded familiar, a name I knew, one from my other life.

"God, she's so thin," the woman breathed, wiping tears from her red-rimmed eyes.

"She won't eat or drink," the other voice said, and the sounds of rustling clothes accompanied his words. "She won't move or anything. She's been laying like that since Friday."

"Bella," she said again. I was looking straight at her, but I felt like I couldn't really see her. "Bella-honey, you're coming with me to Florida."

Florida... She lives in Florida... With that bit of information, something sparked in me. I blinked. This was my mother. She lived in Jacksonville with her too-young husband Phil. Renee.

"Could you hand me her suitcase? It should be under the bed." The other voice was Charlie. I blinked again, trying to forget this information. I was being thrust back into the world of pain and cold, and memories were resurfacing. I had to stay in my peaceful environment. I couldn't face the harsh reality.

My mother disappeared from my line of vision, and my eyes- against my bidding- followed her. She reached under my bed, pulling out a large, black suitcase, and unzipped it. Mumbling under her breath, she stood up, moving to where my dresser was and pulled open a drawer. "Okay, so let me get this straight," she said louder, a sharp tone in her voice. "He just left her in the forest? Told her that he was leaving and _this_ happens?"

"I never liked that Edward kid," Charlie said, and my breath whooshed out of my lungs. The sensation of a knife being plunged between my ribs made my eyes widen with pain. "I knew he was no good."

And then like that, everything came rushing back. Meeting him in biology class, discovering his secret, talking with him in the meadow, running from James, the catastrophe at my birthday party. And everything he said to me in that forest. _"You can go on with your life without anymore interference from me. It will be as if I'd never existed."_

My name was Bella Swan. I was eighteen years old. And he _did_ exist.

My parents, who had been in the middle of a conversation about Edward, jumped about a mile when I shot up in bed. "What are you doing?" I asked, my voice a hoarse whisper. Their faces were pale for a moment before my mother came rushing to my bedside.

"Bella, are you alright?" she asked, trying to pull me into a hug, but I writhed out of her reach. "What-"

"What are you doing?" I asked again, looking from her, to Charlie, to the half-filled suitcase on the floor.

"We're packing your things, Bells," Charlie said, approaching me carefully, as if I were a ticking bomb. "You're going to Jacksonville with your mother."

Jacksonville? Why were they taking me to Jacksonville? There was nothing there for me, just another place to start all over again. And it was _bright_. Filled with sunshine every day, a vampire's nightmare.

"No," I said, swinging my legs over the side of the bed and standing. I almost fell at the weight my knees had to support, and my mother reached out a hand to catch me, but I steadied myself on my nightstand. "No," I repeated, picking up the suitcase and setting it on the unmade bed.

"'No,' what?" My mom said, looking at me with a confused expression.

"I won't go," I said, glaring and clutching the quilt in my hands. "I won't go and you can't make me."

"Bella, it's not good for you to stay here like this," Charlie said, stacking the blouse he was holding on top of the rest of the clothes."

And that made me snap. There was no way they were going to take me away. I'd kill myself first. "No!" I shouted, taking the shirt back out and throwing it at him. "I'm _not _leaving!" My hands were suddenly grabbing whatever they could find, tossing it across the room as I screamed at them. "I won't leave! I can't, I can't, I _can't_!"

"Bella!" My mother exclaimed, appalled.

"You can't take me to Jacksonville!" I shrieked, my already hoarse voice high and shrill. I was blinded with fury, throwing and breaking whatever I could get a hold of. "I'm staying here and you _can't _make me leave!"

"Bella, calm down!" Charlie bellowed, ducking as I tossed something at him. Whatever it was, it hit the wall with a crash and clattered to the floor.

"Get _out_!" I screamed, moving to my closet and ripping my clothes off of the hangers. "Go away!" It felt good to be angry, to have some sort of outlet for the rage that came with his rejection. Every time I heard a piece of cloth rip or heard the sharp sound of something breaking, a wave of satisfaction washed over me. I may have been just a human, and I may not have been able to destroy a vampire like _they_ could, but at least there was something I could destroy. _Something _I was better and stronger than.

"Come on," Charlie said, tugging my mom's arm. "Let's leave her alone. She needs this." My mom protested at first, saying that I was going to hurt myself, but after a moment, she let him pull her out of the room.

I slammed the door after them, and when I wasn't satisfied that the sound was loud enough, I opened it and slammed it again. I frowned as I realized the anger was dimming. I had to stay mad. Because once I calmed down, all that would be left would be the pain.

Seeing the CD player on my nightstand, I frowned, picking it up and throwing it across the room. It landed on the floor in two pieces. Still screaming furious words, I ran over to my CD collection, pulling out the disk, tossing the case, and then breaking the CD in my hands. It wasn't long before I had several cuts on my hands, dripping blood onto the wooden floor. I _liked _it. This kind of pain, I could handle.

"I won't leave! I won't leave! I won't leave!" I shouted continuously, ripping the sheets off of my bed and throwing them on the floor. "He'll come back!" I suddenly screamed, and I stopped in my tracks, frozen. Where had those words come from? I hadn't meant to say them.

Before the emotional pain could return, I picked my scrapbook up off of my computer desk, opening it to a random page and ripping it out. Paper cuts began to appear on my hands and wrists as I tore the book apart, but I stopped when I reached the first page.

_Edward Cullen, Charlie's kitchen, Sept. 13th. _

"He'll come back," I breathed. "He'll come back." The smell of my blood was sickening, and I fell to my knees. My abused hands hurt, of course, but the pain ripping through my torso was much, much more painful.

"_He'll come back."_

I sat up in bed, breathing heavily. Despite the darkness of my bedroom, I could see perfectly- the bare walls, the motionless ceiling fan, moonlight pouring in from the unshaded windows- and I shuddered as it reminded me of a mental hospital. All I needed was to be strapped to the bed.

Waiting for my breathing to regulate, I stood up on shaky legs and moved into the living room, falling onto the couch. After a moment of quiet, I reached down and picked up the remote, turning on the TV. Just another infomercial, and another reminder that I should be sleeping, not watching television. Time passed, as it always does, and halfway through the host's explanation of why the Magic Bullet is a better product than a blender, I sat straight up.

There was the scent of someone nearby, very close. I stood up, turning off the TV and padding silently into my bedroom. The window was open. Frowning, I moved to close it, but never reached it.

"I don't... understand..." Edward's voice made me spin around, breathing heavily again.

"What are you doing here?" I asked lowly, looking up at his confused face.

He kept looking from the bed to me and I realized what he was wondering. "Were you sleeping?" he breathed. "How?" His beautiful face was twisted with fear. "I don't understand. You're a vampire."

"I'll answer your questions if you answer mine," I said, my voice trembling. Suddenly self-conscious of my attire- a tank top and shorts- I raised my arms to attempt to cover myself. It was stupid and useless, I knew, but the heaviness of his gaze was like weights pressing on my back.

I wondered if he'd agree. He might have come just to tell me that they were leaving again. My stomach lurched at the thought of losing him, even though my mind told me that it was possible and probable. Why would he care about anything I had to say? Why would he care about me? I wasn't good enough for him then, when I was just a miserable human, and I still didn't deserve or have a chance at his love as a miserable vampire.

"Deal," he murmured, surprising me. "Me first: Are you really one of us now?" His dark, but still golden eyes stared at me with a look of pain and frustration.

Entranced by his gaze, I nodded slowly. "My turn: what are you doing here?" I said, my voice as quiet as a human whisper.

His smile was faint, as if he wanted to make a joke, but wasn't sure if I'd think it was funny. "Wondering if I should give up and leave you alone." When he saw that my expression didn't change, that smile fell. "We just moved here. Like we would any other town." At my nod, he started again. "If you're a vampire, why is your scent all over that bed?" His eyes suddenly turned dark, as if a knife was being twisted into his heart. "Do you have... a lover?"

"That's two questions," I whispered, surprised at how angry I felt at his response to that idea. "Which one do you want me to answer?"

He hesitated a moment, taking a few steps toward me. "The latter. Are you _with _someone? I can't trace another scent, but... that makes more sense than you sleeping..."

Half of me wanted to say yes, just to see if that same expression of pain would shine in his eyes again. But I couldn't allow myself to do that. I didn't want to see him in pain at all, even if it was because he was jealous. I frowned, immediately dismissing that thought. No, Bella. He left you. Why would he be jealous?

"No," I finally said, brushing a hand against my arm to try and cover more of my exposed skin. "I don't have anybody." My eyes looking away from him and out the window, I realized how many ways that sentence could be translated. If I could cry, I would have. No family, no coven, no friends... My throat was tight, and my breathing sounded shaky.

"Bella?"

I looked up at his exquisite face. "What?"

Edward paused, pursing his lips before answering. "It's your move."

"Oh," I said, shuffling through my vast collection of questions. As I decided, I let myself lower myself into my rocking chair, the same rocking chair he'd sat in, holding me. I'd looted it from a garage sale that my mother held a couple years after I "died." The memory made me wince, and I did what I hadn't done in a long time- wrapped my arms around my chest to hold myself together. "Um, are you mad?"

His angelic face was bewildered. "About what?"

I let my eyes fall to the floor. "About me. Being here."

Walking slowly, he moved across the room and sat down on the edge of my bed. "Yes," he sighed. "And no."

Frowning, I said, "Could you be a bit more vague?"

Smiling, he looked up at me from beneath his eyelashes. "Same old Bella." When I gave him a Look, he elaborated for me. "I am... _furious_... that I found you like this. Like us. But..." Edward leaned forward, as if to take my hand, but I pulled away. Nodding, he continued. "I could never say that I wasn't absolutely euphoric to see your face when you turned around that first day in class."

I looked down, but I could still feel his stare on my face for a long while. After what seemed like an eternity, he spoke again. "Who was it?" When my head snapped up to give him a confused look, he added, "You said you had been with someone else earlier today. Who was he? Or..." His eyes darkened a shade. "They..."

Why did he care? It wasn't as if I meant anything to him. "Jacob Black," I whispered, nodding at the growl that rumbled deep in his chest. "Yeah. Yeah, I know." Before he could comment on my choices in men- which would probably be a painful reminder of the relationship we'd shared- I jumped straight into my next question. "Are you all going to leave now?"

Edward seemed to ponder that for a moment before replying, "If we wanted to leave, wouldn't we have done so by now?"

"I suppose you're right," I murmured, bringing my knees to my chest. "I just..." For my sanity, I left that sentence open-ended.

"Why do you think we would leave?" He asked, and I was amazed at how clueless and lost he seemed to be.

The minute I looked up with what I'm sure was a pained expression, his eyes mirrored mine. "You left me once before." My voice wasn't even loud enough to be a human whisper.

His words were more air than anything. "Oh, Bella... You still don't understand?"

There was suddenly a lump in my throat that would not go away, no matter how many times I swallowed. Of course I understood! What wasn't there to understand about me not being good enough for him? "Is it your turn or mine?" I asked, my tone dead and flat.

"Mine." He said immediately, whether it was true or not. "Bella Swan," Edward slid off the bed, kneeling in front of me and taking my hands in his. "I only need to know one thing. Answer me this, and you can ask all the questions you want: Could you ever find it in your heart to forgive me? I can't ask you to love me just yet, not after everything I've done, but these days have been torturous not knowing if you harbor any repressed anger towards me."

"No." The response was from my mouth before I could think straight, and at the look of devastation that came upon his face, I corrected myself. "I mean 'No, I don't want to answer it.'"

"Why?" Edward slowly stood, and because his looming height made me uncomfortable, I stood as well, striding out of my room, and through the living room.

With an indignant yank, I opened the front door. "Get out, Edward. I don't want to talk to you right now."

The look of hurt in his eyes was obvious, and after a while of staring at me longingly- in a way that almost made me believe he had missed me- he nodded and walked to where I was. Before he stepped out, though, he raised a hand and brushed his finger tips across the length of my cheek. The trail his touch left tingled, and as soon as he closed the door behind him, I touched my hand to my face.

If I was still human, I would have dragged myself to my bedroom, pulled my blanket off of the bed, sat in the closet, and rocked myself back and forth until I cried myself to sleep. But I wasn't and I couldn't, so I slowly crawled into bed, curled myself into the tightest ball I could manage, and stared out the open window, waiting for a sleep that didn't come.


	4. Chapter 4

**CHAPTER FOUR- "Slow Me Down," by Emmy Rossum or "Big Girls Don't Cry," by Fergie**

Alice walked into class alone that morning. I didn't think much of it at first- there was always the option that he was hunting with one or both of his brothers. But when the other three Cullen siblings took their seats before the bell rang for fifth period, I frowned. It completely distracted me, and I could barely focus on the lesson plan in front of me.

Where had he gone? Was my first guess right, and he was merely hunting alone? Or had he stayed home today, so as not to have to face me? My quiet heart clenched at the next thought that entered my mind: had he left? For good again?

My breath hitched as that thought swirled around me. I had to struggle to keep my hyperventilating silent, so as not to attract the students' attention. Thankfully, Jasper was alerted of my anxiety and gave me a bit of serenity and focus. When my mind was clear, I made myself a promise to thank him immensely when I started actually communicating with the Cullens again.

But with the mystery of Edward, my day went by at the pace of a snail. Think that's bad as a human? Imagine it as a vampire.

When the bell rang, I didn't even bother putting in grades. Mrs. Polke, the woman who ran the school's website, would be mad at me in the morning, but I was too exhausted from my evening of nightmares and just staring out the window. I headed out of the old building and towards my car as soon as all of the students had left.

I was so busy worrying, I didn't notice at first, but when I let myself break from my spell, I realized that there was one satisfied-looking Alice sitting on the hood of my car.

"Hello, Alice," I murmured, pulling out my keys and reaching to unlock my door.

"Don't bother," was her greeting. She smiled brilliantly as I looked up with confusion. "I already had Rosalie snatch some parts," Tilting her head to measure my expression, she patted the hood. "This baby isn't going anywhere until I say so."

"Alice," I groaned. "What do you want?" I hoped I didn't sound mean or rude, but I was exhausted, too tired to even type in grades.

"I'm kidnapping you," she said matter-of-factly. "You are getting in my car and we're going shopping. Just because you're a teacher now doesn't mean that you have to dress like an old church lady."

"Alice, please," I sighed. "I just want to go home."

"Nope." The pixie-like vampire shook her head. "Not a chance. I haven't seen you in thirteen years- we're bonding whether you like it or not. It's not right for us to just go around ignoring each other. We see you every day!"

I looked over her shoulder, where a blue car- I couldn't see what kind because of the way she was sitting in front of it, but it looked very nice- was parked, the driver's and passenger's doors open. "Is anyone else coming?" I was too tired to argue further.

She shook her head again. "Mmm-mmm. Just me. You don't have to talk to anyone else unless you want to. Spending time with me, however?" Raising an eyebrow at me as she hopped off the hood and started toward her car, Alice gave me a sly grin. "That's not an option."

Following her and sliding into my directed seat, I leaned over and rested my forehead on the dashboard. She- thank God- didn't say anything, so I closed my eyes. The next thing I knew, the road was flying beneath us, and she was murmuring to herself about finding me clothes that would make me "chic as I teach."

"Hey, Bella," She said at one point, yanking me back into the waking world. "The turn-off for the mall is on the I-105, right?"

I looked up wearily at her, nodding, and sat up as I felt the car turn. Sure enough, the vast mall was stretched out in front of us, cars parked as far as the eye could see- well, the human eye. Alice parked quickly, instantly pulling me out and dragging me inside.

She chattered on about unimportant things as we ducked into the nearest Junior's store, some fancy name-brand place. "Rosalie and Emmett were supposed to be in Paris, but their flight was canceled at the last minute, and then we saw you at school and they decided not to leave."

"I'm glad," I mumbled half-heartedly, brushing my fingers over a rack of clothes at an attempt to appear like I was looking for something.

"Oh, look!" She pulled out a short-sleeved, but high-necked blouse. In midnight blue.

"No," I said immediately, a reflex.

The look on her face fell, and she looked at it as if it were a kicked puppy. "You really don't like it? But it's so cute..."

I frowned, feeling as if I needed to make amends with her. "It's just- this place is a lot like Forks. It's cold most of the time. And rainy."

Sighing as she put the blouse back, Alice nodded. "Yeah, I guess you're right." But that didn't stop her from finding several long-sleeved shirts in the same color, seemingly intent on filling my closet with blue, the same shade of blue that Edward had said looked good with my skin.

"Does Edward know what you're doing?" I asked, trying to sound nonchalant, but the way I had to swallow before I said his name probably gave me away.

"No way." Alice said, with a airy laugh. "He would probably kill me if he knew I had forced my shopping ways on you." Inspecting a beige sweater, she sneaked a wary glance my way. "You know, Bella, he was practically in pieces when he came home last night."

I pursed my lips, not wanting to say anything for fear of running and screaming.

"I mean, it's Edward, so you could only tell if you really know him, but he walked in with this look on his face. I was the only one besides Carlisle and Esme who knew where he'd been, and Emmett made this joke..." She shook her head, her eyes closed. "Edward didn't even try to snap at him."

"Alice," I said firmly, giving her a half-glare. "I don't need a guilt trip."

"I'm not trying to give you one," she replied, holding her hands up in defense. "I'm just saying how he reacted to you kicking him out."

The feeling of being in an invisible box suddenly washed over me, and I felt claustrophobic. Alice was silent, but I could still feel her words weighing down on top of the box, letting the ceiling cave in on me. What was I supposed to say? Sorry I made him leave when he was the one to abandon me in the first place?

"He doesn't want me anyway," I whispered to her, my only line of defense.

"Oh, don't give me that crap." She looked up at me with an angry expression, and I once again felt as if the walls of my invisible box were getting closer and closer, cutting off the air that I didn't need. "Edward would give his life for you- and almost very well did."

"What?" I asked quietly, watching as she took our purchases to the counter and whipped out a clear credit card. "What do you mean?"

Alice shook her head, handing me one of the bags as we wandered out of the store and into one for expensive shoes. "That's not my business, but... I don't know. It might be easier for you to hear it from me." She pulled me over and made me sit down in a chair while she picked out several pairs of shoes from a rack on the wall. When she sat down in the chair next to me, she frowned, putting the shoes on the ground. "It was bad, wasn't it?" she whispered. "Real bad."

I reached down and picked up a pair of red, peep-toe pumps. "Yeah," I answered as I pulled off my own boots. "It was."

"I'm so sorry." Staring at me with wide, apologetic eyes, she put her hand on mine as I reached for the strap of the pumps. "You have no clue how badly I wanted to stay. Or to at least be able to tell you good-bye, but Edward said that-"

"A clean break would be better," I finished for her, and I was glad that the store wasn't very crowded. "He told me that." But he didn't understand. That might have been the roughest, messiest break I've ever survived. It wasn't like my leg so many Springs ago; it was as if someone had taken a chisel to the bone, splitting and then breaking me apart. Wounds like that take a long time to heal, and I still wasn't completely perfect.

"We only left because he was positive that it was what was best for you, but when I saw you jump off of the cliff..." Her voice was little more than air, and I was sure that if she was human, there would have been tears in her eyes. Probably in mine as well. "Edward just... he just _died_. He tried to kill himself- go to Italy and ask the Volturi to kill him. It was a miracle that Rose and I got to him in time. If it weren't for Esme's inability to lose another child and keep her sanity, Edward would have gone through with it and exposed himself to all of Volterra."

Her words were coming out too fast and low for any human to hear. It didn't seem like she was really talking to me anymore, just letting the words spill from her mouth in a frantic, panicked manner. "When we came back, he wouldn't do anything. We could only get him to leave his room to hunt, and even that was after almost a month of lying on his couch, just staring out the window."

"Wouldn't eat... or sleep..." I quoted, remembering my own depression so long ago. "Wouldn't even move..." Now, I was sure, there would be tears pouring down my face.

"What?" she breathed, and I shook my head.

"I did the same thing when you guys first left- I know what he went through. It's like..." I looked for a way to explain such pain to someone who had never felt it, like trying to describe the sensation of sun on your face or learning how to do something for the first time. "There's no point in living anymore, and you just give up." Her eyes were boring into me as my voice broke. "Dr. Gerandy thought I was catatonic, and Charlie thought he was going to have to take me to a mental hospital."

"He wouldn't play his piano anymore." She continued sadly, letting it all come out. I wondered to myself if I was the only person she had talked to about this. "The only music he listened to was Debussy and a lot of really creepy stuff. He had this one CD that was just people screaming and a bunch of horribly off-key chords." Alice shuddered. "You would look in his eyes, and there'd just be... _nothing_... like you were looking at a wax sculpture, or-"

"An empty shell," I finished once again, looking mournfully down at the shoe on my foot.

"I'm so sorry," she said again, shaking her head. "I had no clue that our leaving would hurt either of you this badly."

"Alice," I whispered, staring at her with a look of incredulity. "Imagine losing Jasper, alright? Now picture yourself in my place. Edward saved my life a number of times. He was my first love, first kiss... He was my entire life, and then he just said that he didn't want me anymore, like a piece of trash you can just throw away."

"But he does want you!" she exclaimed, her voice strained. Employees of the shoe store were staring, wondering why I was still only wearing one shoe and why we looked like we should be in tears. "More than anything!"

"Well, he sure has a weird way of showing it!" I hissed, and I immediately felt bad for losing my temper. "If he _loves_ me so much, then why didn't he ever come back? Why didn't he ever call or write or say 'I'm sorry' or _anything_?"

"Get your shoes back on," she whispered, picking up the other boxes and taking them back towards the wall of shelves. "People are starting to stare and we don't want to be here if any of your students show up."

I nodded meekly, taking of the pump and putting it back in the box. Alice took them from me and put them in their rightful place. Looking at the floor, I let her drag me out of the store and the mall. I was relieved when we reached the privacy of her car.

"Look, Bella," she said softly, putting her key in the ignition but not starting the car. "I know it may seem like you don't mean anything to him, but really... he loves you more than anything on Earth."

My voice was breaking, invisible tears making my throat tight. "When you thought I killed myself," I began, weaving my fingers through my hair. "And after you brought him back from wherever he was... You guys didn't even come to see if there would be a funeral. Didn't even let anyone in Forks know you cared. Even if I didn't really die, how can you say that you all love me when you didn't want to call my father to say you were sorry?"

"I wanted to come down and help Charlie! I did! But after Edward's suicide attempt-" Just the thought made me flinch. "He wouldn't let any of us go anywhere _near _Forks! He just kept saying that we had done enough damage."

"Alice," I said, my voice low and dead. "Where _is _Edward?"

She was silent for a long time before she whispered, "He's probably crossing the Washington borderline right now."

It was then that I broke, leaning over my lap and burying my face in my hands. I hadn't had a full-out crying session, but this one worked well enough. My gasping breath came between tearless sobs, and for a moment, I saw Alice hesitantly reach over to rub my back, but she pulled back at the last minute. I wish she knew how much I needed someone to hold me and tell me it would all be okay. I'd been alone for so long, without anyone to talk to or tell my problems, without anyone to laugh with or spend long hunting trips with, without anyone to love me. I just wanted her to remember how lonely I had been, reach across the seat, and hug me.

But the only thing she did was turn the key in the ignition.

I was so exhausted. Lack of sleep combined with all of this stress, and not hunting for two weeks made me so emotional and off-balance. But eventually, I fell into a deep and merciful sleep.


	5. Chapter 5

**CHAPTER FIVE- "Time of Dying," by Three Days Grace and "Breathe Me," by Sia**

I listened patiently as the phone rang in my ear, waiting for someone to pick up. Eventually, after about the thirtieth ring, he finally answered.

"What do you _want_, Cullen?" Jacob Black hissed, his deep voice rumbling in my ear.

"I'd like to talk to you about something without you hanging up on me," I replied calmly, referring to the first time I had called. He'd let me say little but my name before slamming the phone onto the receiver.

"It better be pretty important for you to wake up my daughter with your stupid calling!" he snarled. I felt my eyebrows shoot up at the word 'daughter,' but then reminded myself that it had been thirteen years. A lot could change.

"Oh, it is." There was very little that was more important as of now, maybe nothing. "It's about Bella."

"You found her?" All the malice was gone from his voice, and his tone was drenched with worry. I glared at the road as he asked, "Is she okay?"

"You don't know?" Was he really the person to talk to?

"It's been nine years since I've seen her, _leech_." And he was suddenly my enemy again.

"Look, _dog_," I said, letting the derogatory name slip as I drove past the Washington borderline. "There's stuff I want to know and there's stuff you want to know. I'm coming to Forks, and-"

"No!" he roared, and I heard a faint, female voice in the background. "_Hell_, no! You come here and it happens all over again!" I wasn't quite sure what he was talking about, but I was beginning to think it'd be better for me to just call Charlie pretending to be Carlisle.

"Black," I said lowly, reaching over and turning off the radio. "This is stuff I _need _to know. Look," I sighed, trying to reason with him. "If you meet me somewhere, I'll tell you everything I know."

After a moment of internal debating, I heard him whispering to someone. "Give me a minute and I'll put Izzy down, but I need to go meet an old acquaintance." The female voice replied, and then he was speaking to me again. "Me, Quil, and Embry will be waiting in the old square in Port Angeles. Is it just you?"

"Yes," I sighed, relieved that he agreed without too much of a fight. "If you want, I'll treat you guys to dinner. I'm that desperate."

"Alright," Jacob paused. "We'll be there. But one wrong move, Cullen, and I swear-"

"I'm not going to cause any trouble. I just need to know how badly I need to beg for Bella's forgiveness."

His chuckle was dark and humorless. "You have no idea." And then there was a light click and a dial tone.

I pressed the 'end' button, slipping the phone back in my pocket. His last words sent a shiver up my spine, and I was suddenly worried about how much damage I had _really _done. Was I wrong? Had Bella's mind retained more than a normal human's? It shouldn't have, but there was nothing normal about my beautiful love.

I let my hands control the car, not needing to even look for signs. I would have known this place anywhere, and I needed my mind to think straight. I wasn't even quite sure what I was doing. It had been five minutes that I had been home from Bella's house the night before, and then I just needed to know. I needed to know every little thing that had happened to her while I was away or I would go mad.

All I knew was that she jumped off of the cliff, but according to Angela Webber, who I had called for information the first day I saw Bella, she hadn't known anything about it, and she saw my sweet Bella just a couple days after. My lips twitching downwards, I made a mental note to ask her about that the next time I saw her.

My phone suddenly rang, and I picked it up, thinking it would be Jacob, pumped up and ready to argue again. But- surprise, surprise- it was my sister. "Edward," she whispered frantically. "Bella is in my car. Unconscious. I don't know what to do, Edward, I'm scared!"

"Calm down," I coaxed her. "She's fine, probably just sleeping."

"She's not human anymore, you idiot," she said, sounding terrified. "She's a vampire. And vampires don't sleep!"

"She does." I told her firmly. "I think it has something to do with her ability or something- you'll have to ask her about it when she wakes up. But for now, just take her to her house and put her to bed."

"Are you sure?" Alice asked one last time. "I really think we should talk to Carlisle about this..."

"We can when I get back, but for now, just get her home."

She was undecided for a long time before she sighed in defeat. "Fine, I'll take her home. But you hurry up, too."

"I'll be back as soon as I figure out what happened." I assured her, hanging up and putting the cell phone away. Thanks to her call, I didn't have any more time to think to myself before I was driving through Port Angeles city limits. Frowning, I found the square and parked in front of an old antique shop.

I could see the Quileute boys before they saw me, but we smelled each other at the same exact time. All three turned around, like a well-oiled machine, and glared at me. The one in the center, Jacob, took a step forward. "Is Bella alright?"

Jacob Black had changed into almost a completely different person since I last saw him at junior prom so long ago. He was no longer a too-tall, awkward boy, but a well-built, solemn-faced man. He was taller than me by quite a few inches, and the thick bands of muscle wrapped around his biceps were almost as profound and defined as Emmett's. His face was thicker, too, and he'd gained weight in his neck, making "lanky" now an antonym to describe him.

"Yes," I said, trying not to wrinkle my nose at the smell of rotting meat. "And no."

"You want to be straight with us?" the one on Jacob's left hissed, but the man in the center put a hand on his chest, holding him back. _I swear... If he hurt Bells... I don't know what I'll do..._

"Calm down, Embry," Jacob murmured. "I know it's hard, but we need to know what's happening with Bella." _But I know how you feel. I want to kill him, too._

"Why don't we go someplace else?" I offered quietly, glancing sideways at a young woman who was beginning to stare. "Is there someplace in particular you would like to eat?"

"I don't come up here often," Jacob admitted. "I don't know what's around."

"There's a diner up that way," the one on his right- Quil, I guessed- spoke up, pointing behind him with his thumb.

I held my hand out. "Lead the way, then."

Quil looked to Jacob, who nodded and jerked his chin in that direction. At that, Quil and Embry both started towards the diner. When they were several yards away, Jacob turned to me. "Just tell me- is she alive? In danger?"

"No," I whispered. "She's fine, physically speaking, but Jasper tells me she's very unhappy. Chronic depression, he guesses."

"You know," he began, and I didn't have to know his thoughts to hear the malice dripping into his tone. "There was a time when she was happy- with us."

"I'm glad," I murmured, and started towards the diner. "I left so she _could_ be happy, could live a normal life."

Jacob scoffed, and he was at my side in a minute, walking with long, powerful strides. "Normal? What's normal about us? About Bella, even? Listen, leech," He waited until I looked in his eyes. "As much as I _hate _to admit it, your family leaving didn't do anyone any good."

Embry and Quil were sitting at a round table when we walked in, talking about a girl named 'Claire.' "Her piano recital's at seven, and if I'm not there, she'll kill me" Quil muttered. _She's still ticked that I was late for picking her up from practice yesterday..._

"Have you two ordered yet?" I asked as I sat down.

They moved their chairs away from me, wrinkling their noses. "Nah," the most slender of the three, Embry, grumbled. "She came asking for drinks, so I got your soda for you, Jake."

"Thanks," the man sighed as he sat down. He had changed more than just physically. It was if he had the thoughts of someone who had seen too many years, like Carlisle. Very mature, so unlike the gawky boy of sixteen that I remembered. "So," he began, leaning back as a tall, red-headed waitress brought their drinks. "What do you want to know?"

"Everything." I gave them a moment to order. "Start from when we left."

All three of the men winced both visibly and internally. "God..." Jacob said, stirring his soda with his straw. "That was horrible. Bella was so... _God_..."

"He doesn't like to talk about it," Quil explained quietly.

"Show me," I demanded.

Jacob looked up, and I was suddenly attacked with painful images. Bella in Sam's arms repeating "He's gone." Bella laying in her bed, pupils dilated as she stared into space. Bella screaming in her sleep. Bella looking thinner and thinner. Bella wrapping her arms around her chest, holding herself together.

"Stop!" I gasped, the pain in my chest unbearable. Bella, my sweet, innocent, kind Bella had been little more than just an empty shell. My loathing for myself was growing more and more every second. I had caused that. It was all my fault.

"And now you see why," Embry murmured, glancing at Jacob, whose thoughts had mercifully switched to something unimportant.

"Distract me," I commanded. "What happened then?"

"She got better," Quil offered. "We would all hang out at Emily's place, and Bella'd smile and laugh along with us. After she jumped off the cliff-"

"Why did she do that?" I interrupted, half-glaring. "What made her jump?"

"You'll have to ask her," Jacob responded. "After she jumped, she and I started dating." Sighing, he closed his eyes and leaned his head down. "I thought she was happy, at least content. Now that I can look back on it, though, I know she was anything but." His eyes opened again, and they flashed at me. "She felt horrible all the time- guilty about loving _you_ while she as with me. When she spent the night, I'd wake up at two in the morning to find her crying in the living room."

The memory was accompanied by images, and I flinched at the sound of her tears.

"And then that stupid bloodsucker..." he spat, glaring at the table.

I froze. Had one of my family members gone back despite my demands? "Who?"

"The red-haired one," Jacob hissed, clenching his fists. "A couple days after Bella's twenty-first, we got into a fight when she accidentally called me 'Edward.'" His eyes glanced toward me for a minuscule second before moving back to his food. "She was furious when I called her pathetic, and she drove to Seattle against my wishes.

"We had no clue that she had left until Charlie called, asking if she was with me. As soon as I realized where she was, the guys and I were running as fast as we could. But when we got there..." Jacob sighed, shaking his head. "The leech had already bitten her. We destroyed her before she could drink any more blood, though."

"Thank you," I whispered, my body trembling with fury.

"It's no problem," Embry replied. "None at all."

Jacob was silent for a while as he reviewed the three days during which Bella had been changed. He had been furious at first, and then extremely depressed. And then, in the final few hours, accepting. I felt a certain surge of pity. I don't know what I'd do if Bella was a werewolf.

No. Of course I did. I'd love her no matter what. Human, vampire, werewolf, dryad, loch ness monster...

"Anyways," He whispered. "We had to act fast. We tinkered with the truck so that it'd explode after a certain time, and that's what Charlie found in Seattle. He was real messed up..." Jacob went silent, but I saw the clip running through his head:

_Billy walked into my room, where I was carving a wolfish figurine from a slab of driftwood. "Jake," the old man said, tears glittering in his wizened eyes. "I've got something to tell you."_

"_What's wrong?" I asked, looking up from my whittling. I panicked. What happened? Where was Bella?_

"_Charlie... Charlie killed himself last night."_

"No!" I groaned, letting my head fall into my hands. "No wonder Bella's so depressed... She feels guilty; I know she does. She blames herself."

"She was real torn up about it," Jacob agreed, nodding. "She wouldn't come out of that room until she had to hunt."

"Where did she stay?" I asked, feeling jealousy squeezing my heart like a fist. "With you?"

"Mmm-mmm." He shook his head. "In one of the rooms at your old place. One on the third floor."

My room? Could it be possible?

"What happened next? After Charlie died?" He was nearing the end- I could tell.

Embry was the one who answered. "She disappeared. We went over to the house to hang out, and she was just gone."

"Do you know why she left?" I murmured, looking down at my folded hands.

"No clue," Jacob said, shrugging sadly. "And I haven't heard from her since."

I had to crack a smile. "She's teaching in Michigan. High school."

All three grinned, looking strangely alike. "Are you kidding me?" Quil asked incredulously. "Bells is teaching?"

I nodded. "Yes. But I don't think she's having much fun. Jasper says she's unhappy all the time."

Jacob paused. "Cullen, I've hated you for as long as I can remember. And as much as I don't want to admit it, there's only one thing that's going to make her happy and keep her happy."

He looked up at me, and I could see how much he'd really changed. "You."

I felt as if I had just been punched in the stomach. All of the air rushed out of me with a whooshing sound, and my head fell into my hands. "I can't be. I hurt her so badly."

_You can say that again._ Jacob thought, but he said, "We've all made our mistakes. Mine was not looking for her. I stayed here when I should have gone after her. I should have brought her back. But I didn't." He sighed, stirring his drink with his straw. "I'm just as much at fault."

"No," I said, shaking my head. "You made her happy. She left you. I was the one who left her."

He was silent for a long time, his thoughts as scattered as a fallen chandelier. I tried to focus on what he was thinking, but my own mind was distracted. I lost myself. Charlie was dead, and it was my fault. I had hurt everybody, ruined everything. My actions had caused Jacob and his brothers to grow up sooner than they should have to. Me. Me. Me.

"We were engaged," he said suddenly, and jealousy snapped me out of my wallowing with a sudden jerk.

"Engaged?" I sputtered, my eyes probably the size of small plates. Embry and Quil snickered.

Jacob chuckled softly. "Yeah. It was a pain in the ass trying to get her to keep the ring on her finger, but she agreed to it about a year before she left." He shook his head. "She ended up hiding it under the floorboards when she disappeared. I found it a little while later."

"Did she hide anything else?" I asked curiously, trying to put away the aching feeling that thudded in my heart.

He shrugged. "A couple pictures, a bracelet I made her for as a graduation present, the newspaper articles about her's and Charlie's deaths."

"Do you still have them?" I asked, an idea forming in my mind.

"Yeah, sure. I've got a photo album completely dedicated to her." He eyed me warily. "Why?"

I pulled a pen out of my pocket and slid Embry's unused napkin in front of me, explaining what I had in mind. They were exuberant. "That's an awesome idea," Jacob exclaimed, taking the napkin from me when I was finished with it. "I'll do it as soon as I get home."

I nodded, tucking the pen back in my pocket. "Thank you. I really appreciate everything, but I really must get back to Michigan." I grinned wickedly. "I've got school in the morning."

.0.

It was almost four in the morning when I stepped into my new home. And I immediately knew that Alice had disobeyed me.

"It's just not _normal_!" I heard my sister saying to Carlisle. "You don't need sleep when you're already _dead_!"

"Alice, I wouldn't worry," Carlisle sighed. "If she's been sleeping since she was changed, I don't expect anything to come from it."

"Hey, Edward." greeted Jasper, who was sitting on the couch, tapping at his laptop. _How was your night?_

"Fine, Jasper, thank you." I murmured, setting the keys down on the table near the door.

"Welcome home," Carlisle said, smiling warmly at me. "Nice to have you back."

"Edward!" Alice said harshly, putting a tiny fist on her hip. "Tell Carlisle that this isn't good!"

"I don't see anything dangerous about it," I told to her. "I'm not worried."

She muttered a growl of frustration, and Carlisle smiled. "Esme wishes to speak to you- she's in our room."

I nodded, moving across the wooden floor towards the only bedroom on the bottom floor. Breathing deeply, I opened the door, closing it behind me.

Esme was leaning against a large stack of pillows, her legs tucked beneath her. Her hair was pulled back behind her, and her forehead was creased, as if she was trying extremely hard not to cry.

_Oh, Edward..._

Esme looked down at my sweet angel, who laid asleep in her arms. Her hand was repetitively smoothing over Bella's hair, trembling as she raised it after every stroke. Then her face turned back to me, and I could tell that she'd been suppressing sobs for a long time. If we were able to produce tears, her face would be sticky with them.

"Alice wasn't sure if she'd feel comfortable waking up in your room," Esme whispered, sliding slowly off the bed so as not to wake Bella. "Considering... everything..."

"Why isn't she at her home? In her own bed?" I asked mutedly, taking a couple more steps towards her and Esme. "That's where I told Alice to take her."

_Oh, don't be so selfish! _The sharp tone of her thoughts surprised me, but her face softened again, and I could practically see the invisible tears pouring down her face. "Edward..." she whispered, her eyes pleading with me. "It's been so long..."

I frowned, glancing at my sleeping angel. "It has."

And just like that, Esme broke, taking my jacket in her hands and sobbing into my shoulder. "I thought she was dead!" she cried, her voice high and airy. "For so long, I felt so guilty, and she's been alive this entire time!"

After a moment of hesitation, I wrapped my arms around her, trying to think of something to say. But I couldn't. I knew how she felt, and there weren't words to express how much I hated myself for having to break Esme's heart along with Bella's. And Charlie's. And Alice's. And the Wolves'.

All the pain my family had felt had been my fault. From the minute I decided to leave, every single horrible thing we'd come across had been because of my stupid choice.

"I'm sorry," Esme whispered between tearless sobs. "It's just so hard to believe that she's really here. That I can touch her, and hold her, and sing to her while she sleeps. I keep wanting to wake her up, just so I can ask if she really is Bella." Her shoulders shook, and I glanced at Bella's peaceful face. She was far too asleep to be disturbed by this.

"She is Bella," I assured her. "She's too amazing to be anything less."

I felt Esme nod against my chest. "She's so beautiful, so perfect."

"I know, mom. I know." I whispered, smoothing a hand over her soft curls.

I had to fix this.


	6. Chapter 6

CHAPTER SIX- "Leave Me Alone," by the Veronicas

I didn't even have to open my eyes to know that I wasn't in my house. For one thing, I was wrapped in the softest blankets I'd ever touched, and as a second, I was _warm_. I hadn't felt so comfortable since before I was changed. I didn't even have blankets on my bed, just a spread sheet so that it wasn't only a mattress.

Opening my eyes, I found myself in a large, circular bedroom with pale blue walls. The bed in which I was laying had a comforter of a darker shade, but the white blanket lying on top of me was what was keeping me warm. An electric blanket.

Where was I? This room wasn't one I recognized, and I almost wandered if I was dreaming. But then- I'd _never_ seen this room before. The last thing I remembered was being in the car with Alice, and then I wake up in this room...

"Hello?" I half whispered, sitting up in the warm bed. The cold air suddenly rushed towards me, freezing me for a moment before my body resumed its normal temperature.

"In here, Bella," a soft, familiar voice sang. The sound made me throw the covers off, running across the room and throwing open the door. The motherly woman I remembered was sitting on a white, leather couch, folding Emmett's "Damn, I'm good!" t-shirt.

"Esme!" I cried, throwing myself onto the couch and into her arms. She smelled just the same as I remembered- the normal vampire scent combined with something close to cotton and baby powder.

Esme laughed. "Good morning, sweetheart. Did you sleep well?"

"Yes." And it was the truth. Any dreams I'd had were of sleepovers I'd had with Alice while Edward was hunting. No angry werewolves or vengeful vampires to haunt my memories.

"I'll bet." she said, smiling fondly at me. "You fell asleep at seven and it is now..." Esme pushed back her sweater's sleeve to look at her watch. "And it's now three in the afternoon."

"Three?" I squeaked, my head snapping up. "I completely missed work!"

"Carlisle called in for you." I stood up, spinning around to see Alice standing in the open doorway. She danced inside, followed by her brothers and sister. "Someone brought you by the ER after you passed out in the school parking lot." Winking she continued. "Carlisle wrote it off as fatigue and ordered that you get bed-rest."

I sighed, frowning. My sick days had already been used up a long time ago, and the principal was now docking my pay for every day I missed. With all of my hunting and hiding from the sun, I was on the verge of losing my house.

"Hey, I've been looking for that!" Emmett suddenly exclaimed, stepping over and taking the "Damn, I'm good!" t-shirt from Esme. "I thought I'd lost it back in Juneau!"

"Edward stole it," Rosalie sang, brushing past us and disappearing behind a door. I sneaked a glance at the vampire in question, who had taken a seat in a chair that matched the couch. He didn't look very happy. Staring down at my lap, I glared. I had bought Emmett that t-shirt forever ago, the first summer I knew the Cullens. Why would Edward steal it?

"Are you alright?" the bronze-haired vampire asked, watching me with measuring eyes.

"Yes," I said, my frown growing deeper. "I was just wondering why you didn't wake me up for school."

"You were exhausted," he replied. His tone was polite, but there was anger in his eyes. I tried to convince myself that he was just confused with my sharpness.

"I'm always exhausted," I bit back. "I would have been perfectly fine if you'd let me go to work."

"You would have collapsed for real!" he exclaimed, sitting up straighter.

"I'm not just a human anymore, Edward." My voice was getting louder, my tone angrier. "I'm not going to get killed if I just step out of the door." I stood up to emphasize my point.

"You don't know that!" he snarled.

"And you wouldn't care!" I shouted back.

Rosalie had reappeared in the door, watching our argument with what looked like amusement. Esme was quietly trying to get us to stop shouting, and Jasper had backed up, wide-eyed. He leaned over, whispering something to Alice. I picked up the words "abandoned" and "hurt."

"How could you say that?" Edward growled, standing up as well. "You obviously have no _clue_ about who I care and don't care for!"

"Oh, I think you made it pretty clear when you left who you didn't care for." I retorted, every pain I had felt that day dissolving into anger.

"God!" he shouted. "Why are you being so _stupid_?"

"If I'm so _stupid_, then I guess you were right; I'm _not_ good for you!"

"Jazz," Alice murmured, and calm surged through me.

I turned my glare to her. "It was a bad idea to bring me here."

And with that, I stepped over the clothes that Esme had yet to fold and left the Cullen house.

The anger sat like a hot coal on my heart, threatening to burn me through and through. My fists clenched as I ran, trying to find something I recognized. What I found was the highway, and I followed it until I found my house, and my glare grew deeper when I saw that my car wasn't there.

How could he? I thought, slamming the front door. A thin crack appeared in the wall above the door frame. How could he try to imply that he still loved me when we both knew the truth? Did he enjoy seeing me hurt?

I knew this meant war, but I felt like a tiny country trying to defend myself against a Superpower with only a few guns and a crumbling defense. It was definite: if this was a battle, I'd be the first to fall.

The Cullens didn't say anything to me for the rest of the week. Even the rest of the month. After Thanksgiving passed, and we all returned from break, Alice, Jasper, and Emmett were back to their "Hello's." Neither Edward nor Rosalie ever said a word to me, though they both kept their eyes glued to me during class.

And oddly enough, Edward's grades dropped. At first, it was just a C on a test, and then he stopped turning in homework. After a while, his A slowly dropped to a D. I didn't ask about it though. I just assumed that he was finally getting sick of school, especially with me teaching it.

Of course, after being in their home, and seeing Esme again, I felt as if another piece of me had been ripped away. They were the closest thing I had to a family now, with Charlie gone and Renee busy with her new- alive- daughter. But how could a family hurt and abandon someone like that?

I knew they regretted it. I could see it in Alice's eyes when I show up wearing a blouse or a skirt that she'd bought for me that day at the mall. And in Edward's, when I merely walk into the classroom. But I wanted to feel angry. I _had_ too. They left me, condemned me to thirteen lonely years. I wasn't ready to forgive just yet.


	7. Chapter 7

CHAPTER SEVEN- "Fall to Pieces," by Avril Lavigne

The Monday before we got out for Holiday Break, I walked into my first period class to see several of my female students crowded around my desk. They were all reaching for something, bending over, and giggling loudly. Confusion swept over me like a wave.

"Girls?" I questioned, my brow furrowed into a neat line. "What are you doing at my desk?"

One of them rushed over, a small, square envelope in her hands. "Read it, Miss Swan! Read it out loud!"

I looked down at the envelope. My name was signed across the front in loopy cursive, and I recognized the handwriting immediately. Fighting the frowning of my lips, I looked back up. "Girls, what's on my desk that has you so worked up?"

They all turned and looked at me, their faces beaming, and stepped back, revealing a large bouquet of red and white tulips. My jaw dropped, and they all burst into little giggles again.

"Who are they from?" the girl who had handed me the envelope, J'Lisa, asked eagerly, looking up at me with wide, admiring eyes.

"I don't know," I lied, trying to keep my eyes from moving towards Edward and Alice, who were most likely acting disinterested. My hands just barely shaking, I slowly opened the envelope as a crowd of teenagers encircled me.

"What's it say?" one asked. "Who's it from?"

I sighed before reading it aloud. "'Twas the week before Christmas, and all through my mind, were memories of you, and all of our good times." The girls waited, as if they were expecting more, before I shrugged. "That's all it says."

"Is it signed?" a normally quiet girl, Caitlin, wondered, looking over my shoulder.

I stiffened as her neck came dangerously close to my lips, but quickly caught myself. "Er– no. It just says 'Love, Your Secret Admirer.'" The girls all squealed, attacking me with questions as I fought a smile.

"Do you know who it is?"

"Do you have a boyfriend?"

"Do you think it's Mr. Phelps?"

I couldn't help it – a genuine smile crept up on my face. It was strange. When you're happy, you never notice a smile; it's just another part of your expression. But when you've gone without one for so long, you can feel your face moving and adjusting to accommodate the strain of muscles, the crinkling of the skin near your eyes and the tightness in the back of your jaw.

My students probably thought that this was an amazing feat. These girls got so worked up just because I got flowers, so I wasn't going to ruin their day by pointing out that they were just an over-due apology.

"Calm down, calm down," I said, letting laughter slip into my voice as I brushed through them to get to my desk. "It's probably just Mr. Crawley trying to butter me up." As I sat down, I winked at them. Mr. Crawley was a well-known pervert, usually referred to as "Mr. Creepy-Crawley."

I could feel Edward and Alice's grin without even having to look up.

The bell finally screamed, and the girls all moved to their seats. Slipping back into teacher-mode, I told them to get with their partners and work on their projects, smiling at their chipper attitude towards working with their best friends.

As they distracted themselves with gossip and excited chatter, I looked at the short note again. And when I was positive he wasn't looking, I leaned forward and inhaled the scent of Edward's flowers deeply.

The scent made my mind flash back to my junior year, when I first started dating Edward. He'd begun asking me question after question, and one of those questions just happened to be "What kinds of flowers do you prefer?" I'd answered, "Tulips."

This memory made my breath catch, and I looked up at the bronze-haired god in the back of the room. His face was pointed down towards the papers he and Alice were discussing, but his eyes were looking straight into mine.

The look in his golden orbs was unreadable. I'm sure that he was trying to tell me something, but I just couldn't say what. It wouldn't surprise me if he was apologizing, but for all I knew, it was a gift from all of his family.

An unwelcome flutter in my stomach hoped it wasn't.

After school, when I was sure that Edward would be nowhere in sight, I threw away all of the flowers but two: a red one and a white one. I didn't allow myself to keep the others, no matter how much I wanted to. I would not allow myself to be wooed, just to face disappointment again. I tucked the card in my pocket and sped off to my small home, where I'd immediately put the two blooms into water.

Even if Alice had seen me throwing away the rest of the bouquet (or maybe in spite of it), when I walked into class the next day, three or four girls were waiting at the door, squealing about a gift on my desk. I politely pushed past them, my eyebrows rising when I saw the neatly wrapped package, complete with a big, silver bow.

I sat on my desk, telling them I wasn't going to open it unless they sat down in their seats. They quickly obeyed, and I pulled off the shiny, red wrapping paper (without cutting myself, I might add). A plain, dictionary-sized, white box sat in my hands.

I shot Edward a glare that I hoped nobody would notice, and he replied with a faint smile.

Sighing, I pulled off the top half of the box, holding up the bottom half so that the class could see the gifts that lay inside: a 1924 copy of "Romeo and Juliet," along with the DVD to match. The nineteen-sixties version, of course.

"You like Shakespeare?" one student asked, wrinkling her cheerleader nose.

"Yes," I said, pulling out the antique book. Mint Condition, of course. "It's one of my favorites."

"Is there another note?" a voice asked, and I shrugged.

As I thumbed through the play, though, another small, square envelope fell from between the pages. "I guess so," I mumbled, leaning over and picking the note off of the floor. I opened it quickly, scanning it over before reading, "I hope Mr. Berty still thinks the sixties version is the best. Love, Your Secret Admirer."

"Who's Mr. Berty?" one tall, lanky boy asked.

"Um," I sighed. "He was one of my teachers when I was in high school."

"So, you know who your Secret Admirer is?" J'Lisa squealed.

After hesitating, I quietly responded, "Yes. I'm pretty sure I do."

"Who?" almost all of the girls shouted.

Shaking my head, I smiled sadly. "He's just an old friend of mine. We sort of had a thing back when I was your age." But before they could ask anymore questions, I put the note and the gifts back on the desk and crossed my legs. "So, who was supposed to present today?"

The class went on uneventfully, and I found it hard to concentrate. Because, what I didn't tell my students was that there was more to the note. "Romeo loved another girl and killed Juliet's cousin. My mistake was much worse than anything he could ever think of. I'm sorry. I love you. Edward."

I thought that'd be it, and that after his apology, he'd leave me alone, but he didn't. Every day that week, there was always a gift on my desk when I walked in. Wednesday was a thin silver chain, with an onyx bead and a topaz bead settling right in the hollow of my neck (I tried it on as soon as I got home). Thursday brought a mixed CD, nineteen tracks of songs we'd talked about together: Clair de Lune, a few songs from Phil's CD, and another copy of my lullaby, to name a few (the songs were listed – I refused to listen to it, even though my students begged me to let them hear).

Friday brought the biggest and most painful surprise. I walked in, expecting to see one small present resting on my desk, but instead, it was covered with presents. I shot Edward and Alice a glare, but they shook their heads. "From the kids," Alice mouthed, tilting her head towards her classmates.

"Thank you, guys!" I said, looking at the tags on the gifts – there had to be at least ten. "This is so sweet!"

"Open mine first!" a silly, loud girl, Nicole, squealed. She ran over to my desk, picking up a flat, square box and handed it to me.

"Hmm..." I looked at the class in their desks. I was surprised that they had even gotten me anything. I was the only teacher who wasn't letting them have a party or watch a movie or something. Before I could change my mind, I set it back down on the desk.

"Can I get all of my men to move the desks and chairs back for the ladies?" I asked as I slipped out of my shoes and kicked them under my desk. As they did so, everyone began to squeal at the fact that I wasn't going to make them take a test on the last day of the semester. "Everybody get your presents; we're going to open them all together."

I had them all get in a circle, sitting between Caitlin and one of the football players, Josh. Several students had grabbed their gifts off of the desk and now were holding them out for me to open. I was relieved to find that Edward's hands were empty. Alice had a small package in her hands, but I could handle opening something from her.

So we opened the presents together, laughing and joking. For the first time in almost fourteen years, I was having a genuinely good time. My students told the funniest jokes, and even though I couldn't eat the chocolate that a few boys produced, I appreciated every one of their gifts – even the (probably expensive) clip-on earrings from Alice.

Everything was going good, and then, while everyone was going to their lockers, I picked up my cell phone and ordered a stack of pizzas for them to have for lunch. My Christmas bonus would cover it. I gave the delivery man the school's address and told them to take it to the office, asking for Miss Swan.

When I told the kids what I had done, they were ecstatic. Even Alice and Edward had grins on their faces, which worried me a bit. Why would pizza interest them? The students were on their cell phones in minutes, calling and texting about how cool I was. I could get used to that.

"Alright, what movie does everyone want to watch?" I asked. As it was the last day of school before break, three or four different DVD's were going to be playing from the AV room. They quickly decided on a romantic comedy (cue groans from the few males), and I sat back with them and watched it, too.

About twenty minutes into the movie, though, the intercom crackled and the voice of the school secretary filled the room. "Miss Swan? I have someone here with a pizza delivery for you?"

"Thank you, I'll be right there!" I called and moved to stand, but Edward and Alice jumped up.

"Let us go get them, Miss Swan!" Alice chirped, dropping to her knees in front of me. "Please, please, please, please, pl-"

"Okay, okay," I said, smiling hesitantly. The other kids were staring at her, seeing as this had been the most she had said since the Cullens arrived, and I tried my best not to seem off-beat. "I put the money on the desk. Hurry back."

I expected them to 'accidentally forget' the money, but the pixie-like vampire just scooped up the few bills and left the room with her brother. Trying to ignore the nagging suspicion that something was up, I turned my attention back to the movie, faking a laugh at a joke I had heard several times before.

I almost didn't hear their footsteps in the hallway when they returned ten minutes later, but Alice suddenly burst into the room, her hands full with a large bouquet of wildflowers – not at all Christmas flowers. "Miss Swan! Look, look, look!"

I sat up from my lying position as Edward walked in with about five boxes of pizza in his hands. He sat them down on the back table and avoided my gaze, while the guys flocked to his side (for the pizza, of course, not the bronze-haired god).

"Who are these from?" I asked as she plopped down next to me and set the vase full of wildflowers in front of her. The rest of the girls crawled over to us, only a couple more interested in the food.

"I don't know," she lied cheerily. "We got up there and the pizzas and the flowers were already there, no pizza guy. Edward," she looked up at her brother, who had backed up into a corner of the room. "Where's the note that was on top of the counter?"

Next to me, Nicole whispered about how gorgeous Edward looked when he was being 'shy.' I frowned, but kept my expression calm.

My once-love walked over confidently, reaching into his back pocket and pulling out a small, square card, much like the one I had found the first day. He handed it to me, and I fought the urge to brush my fingers across his. Instead, I politely took the card and opened it, pulling out the card and reading it aloud.

"'Dearest Bella, I hope you know that it was completely ridiculous for you to even think of wasting away your Christmas money when all you had to do was ask me. I hope you like your flowers and agree to spend Christmas with my family and I. Love, your not-so-secret admirer."

The girls burst into questions, mostly asking if I was going to go with him. I shrugged, trying not to glance at Edward and Alice, and said, "Maybe if he's lucky."

"But, Aunt Bella!" Alice suddenly whispered, just loud enough for everyone to hear. "I thought you were going to spend Christmas with us this year."

"She's your _aunt_?" one of the guys asked incredulously, his mouth half-full of pizza.

Alice nodded at him. "She's our mom's sister," she said matter-of-factly, ignoring my what-the-heck-are-you-doing look.

"Damn," the guy said lowly. "Good looks definitely run in that family."

I gave him a level look, and he blushed, turning away to stuff another bite of pizza into his mouth. One of his classmates explained that they were adopted as I turned back to the tiny woman at my side.

"I don't know, Alice. I haven't had a chance to talk to your mom and dad about it." I shook my head, proud of my improved acting skills. "I don't want to inconvenience them."

"Inconvenience them?" Alice asked, laughing. "We moved up here just so we could be closer to you!"

"I haven't even had a chance to go Christmas shopping this year," I offered as an excuse, absently running my thumb over a petal of one of my daisies. I really hadn't gone Christmas shopping in ten years. I had no need to, with no friends to give gifts to.

"Please, Aunt Bella," Edward spoke up, his voice soft and persuasive. "Just seeing you can be our Christmas present."

It felt as if all eyes were on me, watching my every move. Would I spend the holiday with my 'family' or my 'secret admirer'? With a deep breath, I shook my head. "Tell your mom that I'll be over at six on Christmas Eve."

And just like that, time continued, and everything was set back into motion.

It wasn't until after school, when I was packing up my stuff to leave, that I noticed the tiny card taped to the side of the vase that my flowers were sitting in. I took it off carefully, not wanting to rip the paper. As soon as I had read it, my body went numb and it fell out of my hands.

"Sweetpeas, honeysuckles, and daisies," it said. "Straight from our meadow."


	8. Chapter 8

CHAPTER EIGHT- "Pressure," by Paramore

I was curled up on my bedroom floor, slowly falling to pieces. My arms were wrapped around me, my hands ripping at my bare skin. My fingertips scraped unsuccessfully across my chest, trying to reach the black hole that was threatening to destroy me from the inside out. My breath stayed inside my lungs, despite the pathetic whimpers that jumped from my lips every few moments. The ghostly words of my past echoed through the room, louder, even, than the CD I had blasted at a deafening level.

"_I heard he left you. Said he didn't want you, that you weren't good enough for him." _

"_Bella, remember when we had that conversation about imprinting?" _

"_It will be as if I never existed."_

It had been a long time since I'd had to hold myself together. Sure, there had been moments where I had to catch my breath or wait a minute before moving again, but I hadn't had one as bad as all this since I left Forks. And the stupidest thing was that I'd brought this one on myself. I was the one who turned on the music.

Normally, when I had these episodes, I'd put on loud music, like the CD Phil had given me so long ago. But this time, my world was crashing all around me to the sound of a lullaby. Mine.

"You're going to their house. Edward will be playing the piano," I'd told myself. "It probably wouldn't be a good thing if I suddenly fell to the floor as soon as he started playing." So, being the idiot I am, I took a deep breath and turned on the CD I'd found under my floorboards so long ago.

Which, of course, overpowered my bravery and reduced me to a whimpering ball on the floor. I laid there for the longest time until my breathing slowed and the exhaustion washed over me, making me too tired to even hurt. It would be a miracle if I made it through the entire Christmas without crumpling into pieces.

After a while of listening to Esme's Favorite, I suddenly realized that there was somebody knocking on my door. Door. Mine. Somebody knocking. Despite the fading ache in my core, I jumped off of the ground and threw myself at the front door. I never got visitors. I hadn't had one since Edward, and before that, never.

"Who is it?" I said through the door, putting my hand on the doorknob.

I was already opening the door when my visitor called back, "It's Alice and Jasper!"

"Huh?" Opening it the rest of the way, I found myself face-to-face with my once-best-friend. My eyes switched back and forth from the pixie-like girl to the tall blond in the driver's seat of the car, and my right arm snaked around my torso. "What are you guys doing here?"

"I have some last-minute Christmas shopping to do," Alice began, giving me a bright smile. "And we wanted to know if you wanted to join us."

"Alice, I... Um..." I lowered both my eyes and my voice. "I don't know if I can afford presents for everybody."

I don't know what I expected, but it certainly wasn't for her to burst into hysterical laughter. She had one arm holding her side, the other against the door frame as she leaned against it. Jasper, in the car, was pinching the bridge of his nose as he tried to suppress his own laughter.

"You think..." Alice began between gasps of air. "That we invited you over because we wanted presents?" She could barely get the sentence out before she dissolved into giggles once more. "Bella, we want you to come over so we can spend _time_ with you."

If I'd been human, I would have flushed a pretty shade of red, but instead, I just smiled shyly. "Can I have five minutes to get dressed?"

Alice, still grinning from her fits of laughter, looked me up and down. "Sure. I'll help." She then turned to the car. "Give us one second, Jasper. Now," she gently pushed me inside. "Let's get you out of those pajamas."

She dragged me through the house, finding her way to my bedroom. "Okay," Alice pulled my closet doors open and quickly picked out a knee-length khaki skirt and a dark green sweater. As I tugged them on, she got on her knees and pulled out a pair of dark brown boots. I kept my shoes in the same place I'd kept them since I was twelve.

"Alright, come on." she said, waving me forward. "I'll do your hair in the car." I followed her back outside, not bothering to lock the door, and got into the backseat of Jasper's shiny, black car with her.

"Hello, Bella," Jasper said calmly, and I'm sure he was testing the air, feeling out my emotions.

"Hi, Jasper," I responded. "Always nice to see you."

Alice made a sound of mock surprise. "And what am I? A dog?"

"Of course not," Jasper grinned, pulling out of my long driveway and turning onto the outer street. "Dogs are a bit furrier."

I smiled, feeling a little more comfortable than I had a few minutes ago. But that probably had something to do with Jasper.

"Okay," Alice said, and she pulled me closer. "Turn around and pull out that pony tail."

I did as she instructed, taking my hair down and slipping the rubber band on my wrist.

"Ew." Alice wrinkled her nose as she began running her fingers through my brown locks. "Rubber bands destroy your hair. We'll buy some actual holders for you at the mall."

"I haven't had a problem with them," I mumbled absentmindedly as I watched the scenery begin to blur. Her fingers were working quickly, gently tugging my hair into a French braid down the back of my head. Panic began to surge through me as my thoughts wandered toward Christmas, but it was quickly extinguished by Jasper.

It took all of five minutes to get to the mall, and all of five seconds to get Alice across the parking lot and into a designer store. She asked me my opinion of about ten different bags before she gave up and moved onto a rack of sunglasses. Jasper stood awkwardly by the register, probably trying to ignore the gossip of three teenage girls in the far corner of the store.

"Do you think Rosalie would like these?" Alice asked me, slipping a pair of too-big sunglasses on.

"Of course not," Jasper muttered. "They'd cover her face."

"Shut up," Alice said, but the smile on her face proved that she didn't mind his comment too much. It made me giggle.

"Gasp!" Alice said, still wearing the glasses. She sounded like a human teenager when she said that. "Did Bella just _laugh_?"

I instantly hid my smile. "No," I muttered, wandering off towards a wall of hideous but expensive shoes. It was rude of me, I knew, but I still couldn't find it in myself to forgive them, and I didn't want Alice thinking she'd win me over so easily.

"What did I say?" I heard her ask her husband.

"Don't worry about it," his bass voice replied, and I made a show of crossing my arms and staring at a pair of strappy sandals.

"But-"

"We'll talk about it later," he murmured, and I heard her sigh with frustration.

I hated making anybody feel upset, or like they were walking on glass around me, but I just wasn't ready to wholly accept them back into my life. They were the ones who had left. Was it so wrong of me to want to decide for myself if I wanted them back?

I drifted back towards them after a few minutes, and Alice would continue to ask my opinions on certain items. Eventually, she decided on a diamond necklace for Rosalie and an expensive-looking watch for Carlisle.

"Is there a furniture store somewhere in here?" Alice asked me as we were leaving the store, much to the gossipy girls' dismay.

"Somewhere," I sighed, looking around. "I think there's one down that way."

"Great," Alice said with a smile. "Jazz, would you mind going upstairs to pick up Esme and Carlisle's order?"

He nodded and gave me a half-smile before disappearing into the Christmas Rush.

"So, anyways," Alice said as we dodged through crowds to reach the store I'd pointed towards. "How's it going? Anything exciting happen since the last time we really talked?"

I could tell she was really making an effort to reach out to me, but my self-defense system made me automatically say, "I lost the only two men who ever really loved me. You?" I immediately felt bad for saying it, but I didn't apologize or take it back.

She looked away, running a hand through her hair and biting her lip. "Um. I lost my best friend. And almost lost my brother."

"That sucks," I said. "What happened?"

Alice looked up at me from beneath her eyelashes, and she seemed to catch my drift. There would be no direct conversations for a while. "Well," she sighed, adjusting her bag on her wrist as we ducked into the furniture store. "They were dating, my brother and my best friend, and they were crazy in love."

I nodded, as if I was hearing this story for the first time.

"My brother's a vampire, as you know, but my best friend was a human, and he was stupid. He thought that she would live a fuller, happier life without him or any other vampire interruptions. So- out of his love for her- he convinced us to leave town. We idiotically went along with everything he said, not necessarily agreeing, but doing as he asked either way."

"Okay, I'm following," I said as I fell into a cushioned chair. She moved on, looking at bachelor chests, and I watched her as she continued with her story as if she were telling a stranger.

"So basically, it sucked." She shrugged. "I missed her all the time, and my brother left. He would go around and practice his tracking, trying to find some vampire who wanted my best friend dead."

A cold shiver slid down my spine, and I shook my head as if to shake it off.

"And then one day," Alice continued. "I got a vision of her trying to kill herself, jumping off of this huge cliff into the ocean. In the middle of the storm, of all things. So, we all freaked out, and it got around to my brother that she was dead. He went insane and tried to kill himself. Me and my sister got there just in time to take him down and drag his sorry ass home."

She sighed, bending down and looking at the detailing on a waist-high chest. "After that, he was just like a lump on a couch. He wouldn't go hunting until Emmett- my other brother- literally slung him over his shoulder and strapped him into the car. He never talked to anybody, and he rarely came out of his room. He never did anything until we came to this one place in Michigan.

"Apparently, my best friend hadn't killed herself. Or at least she tried and failed. But she was a vampire, somehow, and she was teaching the classes we'd enrolled in. And I don't know..." Alice shrugged. "She's just so distant now. And any time I try to talk to her about it, she gets so touchy, like I'm poking at a bruise or ripping off a band-aid."

"Hmm." I tried to get comfortable in the chair, but the cushion felt like a rock. "Maybe she just needs time. A lot probably happened in the time you guys were gone. And then you just pop back in? That'd be a lot to handle."

"I guess you're right," she said, nodding. "I guess it is a little unreasonable for us to expect her to welcome us with open arms. I'd just hoped we could go back to the way things were, you know?"

"You can never go back to the way things were." I told her solemnly. "That's what makes them what they _were_. The only thing you can do is try and make the best of what's happening now."

"That's good advice," Alice finally looked at me, smiling. "Who said that?"

I tried to keep her eye contact, but the sincerity in them made me look away. "The second one I lost."

"Oh." We were both quiet as she looked over another chest. "What do you think of this one? Esme's redoing the family room, and she's been looking for something like this."

I looked over at it. It was to her hips, made of a light-colored wood. There were four drawers- two in both rows, and it had some fancy carving around the edges. "Hmm." I paused, biting my lip. "It'd be better if it were stained darker."

Alice looked down at it, running a finger across the grain. "Maybe you're right." She summoned a salesman and murmured a question to him.

I stood, brushing invisible dust off my skirt. My arms folded over my chest, I caught Alice's eye and mouthed that I'd be outside. She nodded and disappeared into her conversation once again. Roaming outside, I found a empty wall near a soda machine and leaned against the it, sliding down until I was sitting.

Alice definitely wasn't very shy about saying that Edward loved me. In fact, it was possible that we hadn't had one conversation yet that didn't include him. It didn't bother me so much when she talked about him loving me in the past- it was the past, always different from everybody's point of view. If you ask somebody about an event, they'll give you a story different than what someone else said.

But what bothered me was when she said that he still loved me, that things could so easily fall back into place. Who was she to assume that all my pain, everything I'd gone through since they'd left, could disappear and be easily resolved? Sure, she stood on the sidelines as Edward went through his depression, but where was she when things went downhill with Jacob? When I had to watch my mother burst into tears while packing up my stuff, just to see her return weeks later to pack up Charlie's? Where was she when I nearly killed two children in my first wave of bloodlust? Still assuming that I was happy in my afterlife.

I found myself staring at a pair of plain, white tennis shoes.

I looked up, seeing Jasper standing over me. He didn't say anything, just tossed the two bags he was holding against the wall and sat down next to me. "Alice..." he began, folding his arms over his chest and looking into the dense crowd of Christmas shoppers. "Can be... less than delicate... when it comes to dealing with fragile situations."

"I know," I mumbled, staring off to the side.

"She can't see you, you know." He glanced at me, only to look away again a second later. "In her visions, I mean."

This surprised me, and my eyes widened a bit. "She can't? Why not?"

"We don't know. But ever since she got that vision of you jumping off that cliff, she's never been able to get a clear picture of you." He stretched his long legs out, sighing. "That's why she never knows the right thing to say. She can usually see how somebody will react, but without her visions to rely on, she's as blind and clueless as the rest of us." He chuckled. "Well. The rest of _them_."

"Them?" I asked, looking at his profile and raising an eyebrow. "You're not included?"

"I think I may have a better picture of you than anybody else in my family. Just because I can feel your emotions, know how you're feeling when people bring up certain subjects." He gave me a slight grin. "I don't know exact thoughts, like Edward would, but I know other things. See other things."

"Like what?" I challenged. "Impress me."

"Well, he said, still looking into the distance. "For one, when Alice said something about you laughing a while ago, your emotions went all screwy. First you were surprised, and then you were mad, and then you were guilty. Now, I can't tell you what brought those emotions on, but I knew enough to tell her to ease up."

I nodded to let him know I was still listening.

"And then another thing. Whenever she or I say Edward's name- like just now- you tense up, whether you realize it or not. It's real subtle, but your shoulders come forward a little bit, you instantly look away, and your hands twitch like you want to find something to hold on to."

"Very..." I paused. "Perceptive." Did I really give that much away? I thought I had been so good at covering things up.

He gave a short laugh. "I get to be that way sometimes."

We were quiet for a long time as we waited for Alice to come out of the store. People passed by, holding on to toddlers' hands, balancing purses and bags and cups of eight-dollar coffee, completely unaware of the two vampires sitting not three feet away. They were so caught up in their own lives, in their own shopping trips, that they didn't even take the time to pay attention to the world they thought they knew so well.

There was a crinkling noise next to me, and I looked down to see Jasper handing me a thin, plain-covered book. I silently took it, reading the title- "The Truth"- to myself. Pursing my lips, I flipped through it, finding poems written in old English. I stopped on one, reading it through, and smiled slightly. It was signed, "The Debtor."

"He's an amazing author," Jasper said, almost as if he were thinking aloud. "I can find you more, if you want."

I nodded my thanks, flipping the page to read another one. "You know, Jasper," I said as I closed the book and hugged it close. "I never blamed you. For my birthday party, I mean."

"Doesn't matter."

His statement was so plain and bold that my jaw actually dropped.

He grinned at me. "It's impossible not to blame people- it's in our nature, human or not. In fact, you probably blame yourself." He had me there. "But what's not impossible is for us to forgive, without even giving it thought. That's what you did, because you cared about me and my family. You forgave on reflex. Esme calls it a heart-jerk reaction."

"I still do," I said without thinking. "Care, I mean."

"I know." Jasper murmured. "We all do. But this isn't a heart-jerk reaction. We're still waiting to be forgiven."


	9. Chapter 9

CHAPTER NINE- "Sober," by Kelly Clarkson

It was already snowing when I woke up on Christmas Eve. Looking out the window, I could see that everything had been covered in a thin layer of the white powder. The corners of my mouth tilted upwards. In the ten years I'd been a vampire, I'd come to appreciate the snow. Sure, it wasn't the perfect snowflake display I'd heard about since I was a kid, but it was still nice. It seemed to silence the world and all of the chaotic problems that came along with it.

By noon, I already had half of my closet spilled out onto my bed. I would just be staying two days, but I was freaking out over what I was supposed to pack. It was ridiculous to be worrying over something so silly, I knew, but the Cullens always looked so nice. I didn't want to _look_ like a complete idiot while I was probably doing something that made me _seem_ like a complete idiot.

I tugged my closet doors open, meticulously criticizing every piece of clothing. I only needed to pack two outfits, but they had to be perfect. Packing an extra shirt and pair of slacks just in case I changed my mind, I stuffed two pairs of jeans into my bag and followed them with two blouses. I wondered if I should pack pajamas and then decided on a long-sleeve shirt and shorts, shoving them in the bag as well. Before I could change my mind about my choices, I zipped up the bag and set it by the door.

When I went to close the closet door, I noticed a large, cardboard box that had been pushed in the back, hidden under a dress that I bought and never wore. My lips twitched downwards, and I knelt and pulled it out. Something glass rattled as I picked it up and set it on the bed, and a tiny part of me panicked that it was something important from my other life.

Pushing back the cardboard flaps that held it closed, I reached my hand into the box and pulled out something- a paperback version of Pride and Prejudice. It was falling apart, pages loose and the spine ruined. My quiet heart throbbed. I sifted through the memories of a person I had left long ago, chose a few select items, and hid the box again, pressing a hand against the pain that echoed through my chest.

--

Edward picked me up that afternoon. Edward. Of all the vampires in the Cullen house, they decided to let him be responsible for my transportation. My stomach twisted in knots, but an emotion I didn't want to name swelled in my throat.

He was sitting on a shiny, black car, one of the newer Mercedes models. I wondered where his Volvo had gone as I stood in the front doorway and stared at him. Both his door and the passenger's door were open, and he was leaning back, sitting on the hood. His arms were folded over his chest, covered by a deep brown leather jacket, and his face revealed no emotion.

His agonizingly beautiful face.

"Are you ready, Bella?" He murmured. I tried to ignore the way I imagined him saying my name. Like a mother touching her child, a painter appraising his masterpiece.

I just stared, my bag slung over my shoulder. It was hard not to run to him, to whisper how much I missed him, to take my rightful place in the passenger's seat. Every atom in my body was magnetized, pulling toward him with an inescapable force. If I took one step forward, opened my mouth for one word, I might crash into him. The gravity was that of what held me to the ground.

When I didn't answer, he jerked his jaw towards the car. "C'mon," he whispered, maybe to himself.

I forced my legs to move, pursing my lips to keep from blurting something I shouldn't. A tenseness in his face that I hadn't noticed relaxed slightly, and he held the door open for me until I slid into the car. The place felt too _right_. My body relaxed instantly, taking up the throne it was meant to occupy. But my mind whirled and whizzed, taking in each detail:

His hand came perilously close to my knee when he ducked in front of the wheel and closed his door. As if noticing how close it was, he put down the armrest to separate us. He was a statue as he drove, his eyes not even deviating from the horizon. The speedometer read one hundred and ten miles and hour, but he didn't make a move to slow down. Not for me.

But, still. Despite the antagonism I felt in the way he held himself, I couldn't help but feel like I belonged in the passenger's seat, with him at the wheel. It revived aches and pains and memories that I couldn't make myself hate. It felt good, and at the same time, I could see the parallelism distinctly. This was another life. A lonelier and incomplete one.

Esme was waiting on the porch when we arrived. She ducked inside as Edward swerved into the garage, where Rosalie was leaning over the popped hood of a shiny blue sports car. Her blond head bobbed up and down as she checked gages and measured levels, tinkering with parts I didn't understand. When Edward parked a few feet away, she glanced up once before moving back to her work. Her hand flew up once in a brief wave, pale and smeared with grease, and I wondered who the greeting was for.

"Bella!" Alice was standing outside, bouncing up and down on the balls of her feet. Her smile was bright and wide, and I tried to match it. "We have your room all fixed up- I spent all yesterday looking for the perfect comforter for your bed."

I could see my face darken, feel the scowl return to its rightful place. "You bought me a bed?"

She beamed, not regretful or unsure in the slightest. "You have to sleep somewhere."

I hadn't noticed Edward getting out- which was strange, since my entire existence seemed to revolve around him- but he gently nudged Alice out of the way and opened my door for me, and held out his hand. I nodded my thanks, but did not take the proffered help. Touching him might send me into a trillion pieces.

"I'll do as I please, Alice." I heard him suddenly hiss to his sister.

Before I could ask, the dark haired pixie pulled me out of the garage and into the house. I hadn't payed any attention to it the last time I'd been, and now I looked up. The three-story building was much like the one they owned back in Forks in its stature and shape, but it was a faded yellow, and there was a large balcony protruding from a pair of doors on the east wall.

An overwhelming urge to call this house my home possessed me.

"Bella!" I heard Emmett before I saw him, his voice slightly muffled. As Alice escorted me inside, I could see Jasper holding him on the ground, his arms twisted behind him. Half of his face was pressed into the plush carpet, and Esme stood nearby, wringing her hands worriedly.

"Emmett," I murmured, folding my arms over my chest. "Nice to know you haven't changed."

He grinned up at me, made another effort to push his legs up off the floor, and collapsed. "Fine. You win."

Jasper released him with a quiet, smug smile. He had the sleeves of his olive green sweater pushed up, and I could see the numerous scars on his arms. I wanted to ask about them, tracing the scar on my neck absently, but I kept my mouth shut. Not now.

"Hello, dear," Esme said, her face wary, but still soft and loving. I watched her hands twitch, as if she wanted to reach out to me, but her arms stayed planted by her side. The urge to run to her was nearly unbearable, but I fisted my hand in the hair and the base of my neck to keep it from moving. This was not my homecoming. This was just Christmas with friends.

Is that what this was?

"Where's Carlisle?" Alice asked, looking over at Esme and releasing my arm, as if she knew what the touch did to her pseudo-mother. She blinked, and then said, "Oh."

Esme smiled gently at me, brushing a curl away from her face before crossing her arms. "Since we haven't been here long and Carlisle's been working a lot of the night shifts, the hospital asked him to cover until morning. I hope you don't mind."

"Of course not," I murmured. "That's fine."

"He should be in around five," she said, nodding.

"Do you want to put your stuff in your room? Explore?" Alice asked. "You're welcome to do whatever you want. TV, radio, computer, library- any of it."

"Thanks," I mumbled, but kept my bag close. For all she knew, her present was in here. She was known to peek.

She glanced at my duffel, confirming my suspicions. "Bella, do you want me to-"

She abruptly stopped, as if a puppeteer was pulling her erect. Her eyes went wide, and her lips parted. The vision only lasted a few long moments, but when she blinked again, her delicate face was full with fury.

"I don't _think _so, Edward Anthony Masen Cullen!" Alice shouted, even though she well knew he could hear her if she whispered. "You entertain one more thought, and I'll have Rosalie tear that car apart so bad you won't know your catalytic converter from your gudgeon pin!"

I couldn't help it. I didn't know why she was yelling, or why she was threatening the car, or what the heck a gudgeon pin was, but a loud, unladylike guffaw exploded from my mouth. The laughter warmed me, starting in the pit of my belly and expanding, pulsing through my veins like a drug. I slapped a hand to my lips to try and stifle the noise, but it was impossible. The thought of tiny little Alice looming over her brother kept the hysteric giggles coming, rolling my entire body with their spasmodic motions.

Esme beamed. I could see her face every time I gasped for breath, and she was hugging herself tightly, the smile on her face so bright that it was practically the sun.

I could feel other vampires watching me too. Alice, definitely. Emmett and Jasper, probably. And Edward, maybe. This thought almost sobered me, until Emmett's booming laughter crashed over me like a wave of jubilee. I doubled over, my bag falling to the ground, and Esme's tittering joined in.

When was the last time I felt this good? I thought as I heard Alice's attempt to hide her giggles. Months? Years? The exuberance coursed through my body, making my fingertips feel electrified. For the first time since Edward kissed me that day in the closet, I felt _alive_.

"Damn!" Emmett exclaimed once I could catch my breath again. "It's days like these when we need a digital recorder!"

"It's a miracle when we get her to smile," Alice agreed. "Much less laugh uncontrollably."

"A wonderful sound," Esme murmured, tugging at the collar of her sweater.

I looked at the floor, not knowing what to say. I had to admit: I was feeling more comfortable than I ever thought I could be near this family again. They accepted me. They cared about me.

But they still left me to begin with.

I noticed the change in Jasper's posture from where he stood across the room. He must have felt the drop in my mood, and I shifted my duffel on my shoulder uncomfortably.

"Please," Edward whispered behind me. "Please give us a second chance. Or at least... give _them_ a second chance."

I looked up, and caught Alice's gaze. Her eyes were wide and dark, pleading with me.

"I won't leave," I promised. "I'll stay if you'll stay."

Alice beamed and clapped her hands.

"But that doesn't mean I'll stay _here_." I qualified, not about to let her wrap me in something I wasn't ready for yet. "But I'll won't leave the general area."

"That's more than we can ever ask," Esme nodded, looking again like she was physically restraining her arms. It nearly killed me to hurt her so, but if I fell into her embrace, I might never want back out.

"Um, Esme?" Jasper said. "Do you think Carlisle would mind if we set up the tree before he got home?"

Her eyes suddenly brightened several shades. "That's a marvelous idea, Jasper!" She unfolded her arms and clasped them in front of her. "Why don't you kids go get the tree? I'll go dig up the old ornaments and find some scrap metal."

"Scrap metal?" I asked, arching my brows.

"You'll see," Alice chirped, grabbing my hand once more and turning around to head for the door.

Edward stood in her way. "Esme, Bella just got here," he said, his tone reasonable, but his voice strained. "Don't you think she'd like to get settled before we drag her into the woods?"

Alice hissed at him, upset that he was ruining her fun.

"I don't mind," I said loudly. Something about him obsessing about my happiness and comfort drove me up the wall. It was so incredibly hypocritical.

"He's right, Bella," Esme said. I turned around and looked at her, and she smiled at me. "Why don't you stay here with me, and we'll decorate the house? The boys can get the tree and Alice and Rose can go find a junk yard."

I didn't want to stay just because Edward wanted me to, but the thought of some alone time with Esme was too tempting to give up. "Okay," I told her, and Alice released my hand with a sneer towards her brother.

He shrugged and gave my face one last glance before disappearing out the door. Jasper gave Alice a quick kiss on the top of her head before following, giving me a brief wave over his shoulder. "Don't do anything funny while we're gone," Emmett said as he moved to follow his brothers. He gave me a light punch on the arm. "Heck, we might even pick up a digital recorder while we're out."

"Bye, Emmett," I murmured, pushing my hair out of my face.

"Well, I guess since you're kicking us out, I'll be going too." Alice sighed as her bear of a sibling ambled out the front door. She gave me a wide-eyed pout. "Bella, are you sure you don't want to come handle dirty, trashed scraps with Rose and me?"

I bit my lip feeling guilty, but she rolled her eyes. "I'm kidding. Stay here and relax. Esme probably won't let you lift a finger."

"You don't want the boys to beat you back, do you?" the vampire in question teased. She came up behind me, finally giving in, and put her arm around my waist.

"Very true," Alice sang, and danced out the front door. "See you soon, Bella!"

Esme squeezed me to her. "We'll have fun here," she murmured. "Would you like me to take your bag? Or would you rather put it in your room while I get the decorations out of the attic? You could explore without the others watching you..."

I nodded, trying to give her my best smile. We waited until we heard the girls' car squeal down the driveway, and I pulled away. She didn't object, just went about her business. She disappeared behind a cream-colored wall, and I followed at a slower pace, taking in my surroundings for the next two days. Instead of the large open space their house in Forks had been, this floor was filled with walls, standing out to be decorative. It was practically a maze.

The wall that Esme vanished behind hid a flight of stairs. I looked down at my wet, muddy boots and slipped them off. The carpet was impeccably clean, and I didn't want to be the one to ruin that.

I put my hand on the banister and climbed to the second floor. Always surprising me, the house was a geometric beauty. The second floor was round. There were two doors on the left semicircle, and two on the right. Another door was positioned directly across from me. I closed the distance in a few long strides and pulled it open. More stairs.

This flight took me up and then turned me around. Unlike the first or second floor, the third was diamond shaped. There were only three rooms: one to my right, one to my left, and one oddly shaped door in the center. Stairs were pulled down from an opening in the ceiling, and I could hear Esme humming to herself.

The center door was almost a trapezoid. The left side raised to about five feet and then suddenly slanted to the right for another foot and a half.

It was noticing this oddity that I realized that each of the doors I'd passed were different. They were all much more subtle than this one, but one had been painted a slight gray. Another had a glass doorknob- most likely not one of the boys' room, or it'd be broken too easily. The one now to my right had a different framing.

Had it been like this back in Forks?

I made my feet move to the strangely shaped door and twisted the generic doorknob. A spacious room swallowed me. It smelled like Alice and Rosalie. The walls were painted a dark gray, practically silver, and strips of dark blue slithered across the back wall, which hosted the backboard of a queen sized bed. The carpet was also dark blue, lush and thick and expensive. A cherry-wood rocking chair was positioned by the window, a patterned afghan folded over the back. New paint burned my nose.

My mind suddenly reeled back to the bed. It smelled brand new, the navy comforter reeking of plastic and cleaning chemicals. If this was Alice or Rosalie's room, why couldn't I detect their scents?

I dropped my bag by the rocking chair, my body accepting that this was my room before my mind did. I should have been angry. Furious. I should have stormed out and demanded that I sleep on the living room couch. But I just staggered to the bed, pushed off the numerous silver pillows, and buried into the covers. It was faint, but the smell of violets wafted from the sheets. I rubbed my cheek across the fabric, practically marking my territory.

I could have fallen asleep right there- whoever had picked out the mattress had chosen well. I didn't want to close my eyes, though. I gathered the blankets around me and curled into a ball, staring out the window.

They'd set up a room for me. How long did they think I'd be staying? Had Alice somehow convinced Carlisle that she'd seen me living with them? How disappointed would they be when I didn't?

"Do you like it?" Esme asked hesitantly from the door. I made a vigorous nodding, hoping she'd see it but not get her hopes up. There was a shuffling as she crossed the room. The bed dipped as she climbed onto the bed with me, grabbing a pillow and tucking it under her head.

I rolled over and faced her. Her expression was conflicted, understandably, her golden eyes searching mine. With a deep inhale of her sweet pea scent, I shifted forward and hid my face in the crook of her neck.

It was an extraordinary homecoming.


	10. Chapter 9point5

**CHAPTER NINE-POINT-FIVE- **"Desperately," by Michelle Branch -A shout out to my beta, who recommended this song: you're the best, Lindsey! Thanks for helping me out so much!-

**Edward Cullen**

I never thought Bella could look as beautiful as she did that first time I took her to her meadow, red streaks of sunlight in her hair. It didn't seem physically possible that anything could outshine her pale, translucent skin, her full lips, or the enticing shape of her collarbone when it peeked out from beneath her sleeveless, white shirt. But she did, when I went to pick her up Christmas Eve afternoon. I'd caught a glimpse of her walking in front of a window, and my hands gripped the steering wheel so tightly, it took effort not to crush it in my grasp.

Her hair was in fashionable disarray, probably messy from a long night of sleep. The circles under her eyes were dark, and her lips seemed paler than usual. It was the equivalent of a human without make up, and she was breathtaking. I got of the car out and sat on the hood, resisting the urge to march up the steps to her door and yank it open. That single flash of her face had me aching to see all of her. My arms folded over my chest.

"I'm coming," I heard her voice call from inside. My hands clenched tighter. I could hear the sound of her shoes shuffling, and the door opened. She might as well have been a temptress, a goddess. To me, she was. The wool-knit sweater she wore was a sinful shade of purple, and it hugged her curves in ways that made it difficult for me to remove my gaze. Her blue-jeans looked faded and worn, but they accentuated the slope of her thigh. I forced my eyes to cut to her face, though it wasn't much of an improvement. The surprise on her face made her golden eyes wide, and her elegant eyebrows had climbed up her forehead. A rebellious lock of hair fell in front of her face, but she didn't make any move to push it away. It was so entirely, unbelievably sexy.

The door swung closed with a click behind her, and she blinked at the noise. "Are you ready, Bella?" I asked carefully, praying she didn't hear the huskiness my observations had given my voice. Her face tightened, and her whole body tensed. I panicked for a minute, worried that she might run.

She continued to stare at me for what seemed like ages, her lips pressed into a thin, white line. _Please,_ I thought. _Please walk towards me. _Alice would kill me if Bella canceled at the last minute because of me. My chest tightened at the very thought of her being out of my sight. _Come on, Bella, please. Don't run._

"C'mon," I begged softly, echoing my thoughts. Making a quick motion towards her place in the passenger's seat, I made an effort not to submit to flashbacks from my time in Forks.

And then she took a step. And another. I tried to mute my sigh of relief. Sliding off the hood, I pulled the door wider for her, and she tossed her bag in the backseat. The denim clung to the muscles in her legs when she bent over, and I gave myself a mental slap. I shouldn't be thinking about her that way. She wasn't mine anymore.

When she was settled, I got in myself, and my hand landed centimeters away from hers. She stiffened, and I pulled it away. Of course she didn't want me close. I put down the armrest in an attempt to make her more comfortable- and to make it harder for me to put my hand back. Pulling out the winding driveway, I pressed my foot against the gas. I wanted to make this ride as painless as possible for her.

She didn't make it easy for me, though. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw every time she pushed her hair out of her eyes, or rubbed her neck, or smoothed her hand over her thigh. I ached to touch her, but these were the consequences of leaving her so long ago. I had no claim over her anymore. I longed to tell her I loved her, how much I liked having her next to me, but those were words I wasn't allowed to say.

_Is that him? Is she with him? _Esme's eager thoughts floated from the woods that hid our home. Inside her head, I could see the edge of the driveway from her eyes. Her lips stretched into a wide smile when she saw us, and she ducked into the house to straighten picture frames and center vases of flowers. _A crooked picture isn't what's going to make her run,_ I thought to myself as I pulled into the garage.

Rosalie looked over her shoulder at Bella and pursed her lips before returning to the car she was modifying. _Let the angst begin._

I scowled at her, but it only lasted a moment as my second sister diverted my annoyance. She was perched right in front of Bella's door, her tiny hands on her hips. "I spent all day yesterday looking for the perfect comforter for your bed," she was saying, a bright grin overpowering her face.

My lips twitched as I got out. Bella's forced smile had dropped, just like I knew it would. Correctly guessing this little piece of her behavior gave me a tiny victory, but it didn't last long.

"You bought me a bed?" she asked flatly, her forehead creased with disapproval. I knew she wouldn't like it. She never liked it when other people took care of her; she was so used to being the responsible adult for everybody.

"You have to sleep somewhere," Alice told her matter-of-factly, her smile spreading.

I stepped in front of Alice, easing the pixie out of the way as I reached for Bella's door. She stared at the hand I offered her like it was toxic, and stood on her own with a nod at me. Alice sent me an image of my hand on the small of Bella's back as I led her into the house. "I'll do as I please, Alice," I snapped, shutting the door a little harder than necessary.

_You're just dragging this out,_ she sighed, and then grabbed my angel's hand, pulling her out of the garage.

I put my hand to my eyes, rubbing my brow. I wanted Bella to be comfortable here. My family loved her so much. "Rose?" Turning around, I leaned against the car. "Be nice to Bella."

She rolled her eyes and straightened. "Bella could care less about me. _I'm_ not the problem here." The growl that rumbled through my chest made her scoff. "Yeah, yeah, yeah." She made a halo above her head with her hands and then leaned back over her work.

I shoved my hands in my pockets and left the garage, stopping to stare at the front porch of our home. Esme was explaining why Carlisle was staying late tonight. I wished he was here. Carlisle had a way of making people comfortable, in a way different from Jasper. Through my brother's eyes, I could tell how out of place Bella felt. Her guard was up, and her moods were all over the place.

_I wonder_. Would she be more comfortable if I left? She certainly wouldn't have to worry about pretending to forgive me for my inexcusable actions. There was no way she could want me there- the old ex-boyfriend staring at her while she opened her Christmas presents. And she'd probably sleep better knowing that I wasn't going to be breaking into her room to watch her.

I wasn't two feet closer to the Mercedes when I heard Alice scream. "I don't _think _so, Edward Anthony Mason Cullen! You entertain one more thought, and I'll have Rosalie tear that car apart so bad you won't know your catalytic converter from your gudgeon pin!"

It wasn't her threat that made me suddenly stop and fly inside the house. It was the heavenly sound of Bella's exploding laughter. I'd barely seen her so much as smile sincerely- I _would not _miss this. They were all in the living room, and I leaned against one of the protruding walls that faced her back. I beamed. She had both hands pressed over her mouth, trying to stop her giggles in their tracks. Esme's expression matched mine, and my siblings were just having a hard time understanding what was so funny.

Emmett got it first- tiny Alice scolding me- and his bass laughter growled through the air. One by one, my family exploded into a fit of giggles, chuckles, and guffaws. I stood by, grinning like an idiot. This was far more than I could have ever asked for. For five minutes, I didn't feel like the most disgusting, loathsome creature to walk the earth. Warmth bloomed in my chest as I watched Bella's shoulders shake. She was bent in half, one arm around her stomach and the other propped against her knee. Her hair flipped and fell around her face, framing the fullness of her cheeks and the line of her jaw.

I filed this moment away as my family gained control. Bella gasped for breath as she straightened, shaking her head and grinning. Blood from her last hunt was faint in her cheeks, and her eyes were bright. This was the way I remembered her.

"Damn!" Emmett shouted. His thoughts and his words overlapped for a moment. _That was a sight for sore eyes._

"It's a miracle when we get her to smile, much less laugh uncontrollably." Alice grinned and nudged her husband.

_She's so beautiful when she's happy._ Esme fiddled with her sweater. "A wonderful sound..."

Jasper's shoulders suddenly straightened, and I knew something had gone wrong. _When are you going to learn, Bella?_ he thought. _We're trying to redeem ourselves!_

Bella noticed his change too, and she stared at the ground, switching her bag to her other arm. Her guard was back up again, and it didn't seem like she planned on letting it down any time soon. Her feet shuffled, and her shoulders tilted slightly towards the entrance- like maybe she wanted to run.

"Please... Please give us a second chance." She turned around to look at me. Her eyes dropped when they met mine, and I felt the need to rephrase my statement. "Or at least..." I gestured toward my family. "Give _them_ a second chance."

She and Alice exchanged a glance- _Don't leave _now!- and then she looked back at me. "I won't leave." Those three words were enough to make my head spin with elation. "I'll stay if you stay."

_How could I leave_? I thought to myself as Alice squealed and clapped her hands together. _It kills me just letting you out of my sight._

"But that doesn't mean I'll stay _here._" Bella held her hands up in a "hold on" gesture. "But I won't leave the general area."

"That's more than we can ever ask," Esme murmured, smiling warmly at her. She was so happy to have our family back together, even if it was only temporary. It was my fault it had been so broken in the first place.

Jasper shot a hard glance at me. _We're all intertwined in this, Edward. You never would have left if I hadn't tried to attack her at her party._

I shook my head at him, my lips a tight line. The first decision to leave wasn't my only mistake. There was so much more that I should've been held accountable for. I could have called, could have visited, could have stayed with the family when they were upset, could have done something more productive with my time away instead of-

"Um, Esme?" Jasper suddenly said, no doubt trying to distract me from my guilt. "Do you think Carlisle would mind if we set up the tree before he got home?"

Esme's whole demeanor lightened. "That's a marvelous idea, Jasper! Why don't you kids go get the tree? I'll go dig up the old ornaments and find some scrap metal."

I frowned as I thought that through. Why would Bella want to be deep in the forest with five Cullens she probably didn't even want to speak to? There was no point in dragging her out when she hadn't even been in the house for five minutes. And maybe if she stayed here, I could, too. Maybe I could give her some time to get accustomed to having me around again.

Alice grabbed Bella's hand and made a move for the door, but I blocked her path. "Esme, Bella just got here. Don't you think she'd like to get settled before we drag her into the woods?"

_But I wanna hang out with Bella! _Alice hissed, and Bella stepped a bit closer to her.

"I don't mind," she challenged me, lifting her chin minutely.

Esme stepped in for me. "He's right, Bella," she said, smiling warmly. "Why don't you stay here with me, and we'll decorate the house? The boys can get the tree and Alice and Rose can go find a junkyard."

I didn't like the idea of being away from Bella- who knows what could upset her and send her running?- but Esme's option did seem to be more reasonable for her. My hand clenched as I watched Bella look between my sister and my mother, and then, finally, she said, "Okay."

Alice made a face at me. _And now neither of us gets her. Nice._

I shrugged, letting my eyes wonder to Bella's big, brown orbs for one last moment before backing away and heading out into the snow. If there was a God at all- which Bella once wholeheartedly believed- then she'd still be there when I returned.

--

"Git."

"Stop it."

"Git."

"Stop it, Emmett."

"Geeee-iiiit."

This is what I had been dealing with for the past ten minutes, since Emmett had jumped on Jasper's back and smashed snow into his hair. In his frustration, Jasper had slipped back into his Southern roots, resulting in an annoyed "Git offa me!"

But at least it was a nice change from Emmett's constant talk about Bella.

"Say it," he'd been repeating then. "Say it, or I'm going to drive you out of your mind."

"Emmett, if it ever gets to the point where I'm out of my mind, you will be in pieces." I twirled the saw in my hands for effect, and he grinned.

"Doctor Jasper, it seems that the patient has resorted to death threats." He stroked his chin with two fingers and adjusted an invisible pair of glasses. "I believe this is adequate proof that the treatment is taking effect."

Jasper rolled his eyes. "When _isn't_ someone threatening your life, Emmett? I don't think the fact that Edward is getting annoyed means that he's going to do anything." His gaze scanned the forest- we were still in deciduous territory. He was eager to get back to Bella as well, though his reasons were far more innocent than mine. He wanted to be there to regulate emotions, to make sure this stayed a peaceful holiday.

"Just say it, Edward. It's not going to kill you to admit it." Emmett grabbed onto a branch, swung over it a couple times, and then dropped back to the ground.

"I'm not worrying about the lethality of a few words. I just don't feel like saying it." I tossed the saw at him, and he caught it neatly by the handle.

"Look." He stepped in front of me, stopping me in my tracks. "If you say it, I won't make a comment about your intelligence, your attitude, or your virginity until Bella leaves."

I sighed, pinching the bridge of my nose. I really didn't feel like indulging him, but it was far too good a deal to pass up. "What is it I'm supposed to say?"

"Yee-haw!" He clapped me on the shoulders. "Jasper! Does your cell phone have a microphone?"

"Emmett, you've got thirty seconds." I scowled at him and shrugged his hands of.

"Okay, okay, okay," He continued walking, giving me space, and I followed. "Repeat after me- Bella is drop dead gorgeous."

"Bella is drop dead gorgeous," I recited flatly.

"She is made of sexy, just asking for wolf whistles and inappropriate gestures. And being my virginal self, I long to invite her into my bed and take advantage of her until she forgives me for leaving."

"I'm not saying that," I told him darkly, glowering at his grinning face. "I refuse to disrespect Bella by saying that."

"Just say it so he'll shut up," Jasper groaned, rolling his eyes. "Bella's not here and we won't tell."

"No." I was regretting letting go of that saw, now.

Emmett cleared his throat and put on a fake voice. "Oh, Bella, that sweater Alice bought you looks great! Do you mind if I take a picture? Or two, just in case Edward accidentally ruins one?"

Emmett may be the strongest in our family, but he's certainly not the fastest or the smartest. He was on the forest floor before his next breath, my hands positioned at his neck. "I will say this once, Emmett, and if you break your promise, I swear on your life that it will be the last sexual joke you make. She is made of sexy, just asking for wolf whistles and inappropriate gestures. And being my virginal self, I long to invite her into my bed and take advantage of her until she forgives me for leaving." I punctuated this by slamming his head against the ground, even though I knew it wouldn't do much good.

Jasper stood above us, offering his hand. I grabbed it, and as he pulled me up, clarity found my mind. "Emmett, you're my brother," I said evenly. "But sometimes you push too hard."

"Yeah, I know," he sighed and stood up, brushing the snow out of his hair. "But I got you to say it."

As he grinned, I shoved him, and he punched my shoulder playfully. "Seriously, man," Emmett said as we continued walking. "You've gotta do something about this. It's driving you crazy not talking to her and you know it."

"So? Our relationship is no longer under my control. I gave it up when I made my decision to leave Forks. If she still wants me, she'll let me know. Until then, I'm willing to be patient."

My brothers groaned simultaneously.

"Edward," Jasper sighed, rubbing his forehead with his palm. "_You've_ got to make the first move."

"Jazz-"

"He's right," Emmett interjected. "Bella is a _woman_. She's not going to tell you what she's thinking or how she feels. It's one of their mind games." He made some vague gesture around his head, his eyebrows arched. "They say the exact opposite of how they feel, wait and see how long it takes for you to figure it out, and then yell at you for not getting it sooner."

Shoving my hands into my pockets, I looked up at the sky, white with snowy clouds. "I think I know a woman's mind better than either of you." Emmett snorted. "I do listen to them on a daily basis."

"And Bella?" Jasper smirked.

I flinched. He had me there.

"See, Edward," Emmett began. "Bella is not a normal woman in this case. She is scorned, which we know hell hath no fury like. She's probably still seriously pissed, but I wouldn't think that she doesn't still love you."

"She does," my blond brother confirmed, inspecting a tall evergreen. "Undoubtedly."

"Don't say that," I hissed at him. It was one thing to assume what she was feeling, but it was a completely different one to get my hopes sky high. "You've no better idea of what's going on in her head than I do."

"No, maybe not," he agreed. "But at least I know what's going on in her heart. I know what she feels when we're near her. I know her emotions when she looks at you, Edward.

I stiffened and pursed my lips. The words were dangling in front of me, the temptation. I'd always wanted to be able to hear Bella's thoughts, but when a partial offer was presented to me, apprehension and self-consciousness struck me. What if I wasn't as sure about her as I thought? What if I didn't know her at all?

"And... What are those emotions?" I asked through clenched teeth.

"She misses you."

I noticed the way he said "misses," and not "missed." Was it like the way I missed the glances she used to give me when I said something clever- that wry, heart-starting smile? The way I missed our meadow, with her feather-light touches on my arms and face? Did she miss my words like I missed hers? My voice? My laugh? Did she feel like I was a thousand miles away when I was just across the room?

"Impossible," I whispered. "After all I've done..." My heart felt heavy and cold in my chest. "She just misses what we used to have."

"You are so stubborn," Emmett growled. "Why's it gotta be what you used to have? How do you know she doesn't still have feelings for you?"

"For one thing, I left her to begin with. Crushed her." I felt my lips curl into a sneer at my next point. "And as you've pointed out, she's painfully beautiful. She could have anyone she wanted."

"Like Tyler Crowley?" Jasper quirked an eyebrow at me. "Mike Newton? Eric Yorkie? She could have had any of them. She wants _you_."

"I don't deserve her." No statement was more true than this.

"And I deserve Alice? You, at least, killed murderers and rapists and restrained yourself from her blood. I killed innocent people- human and vampire- and tried to take a bite out of Bella at her own birthday party."

I flinched at the memoryof shattering glass, her body so breakable as I pushed her to the ground.

"You never left Alice." Cool snow nestled in my hair.

"No, not really. But I've still broken her heart, over and over again." He clapped a hand on my shoulder. "She forgives me every time."

"Face it, Edward." Emmett folded his arms over his chest and leaned against a pine tree. "The only thing holding you back from Bella is you. If you want her, you're going to have to woo her. You got a good start with the Christmas presents, but then you got into this whole 'she hates me' mindset. Just tell her you love her,"- as if it was that simple- "and keep telling her until she finally listens."

"As weird as it is to say this," Jasper sighed. "He's right. Show Bella you still want and need her. If she cares for you like I know she does, it won't take long for her to come around."

"Yup." Emmett leaned over and scooped up some snow, packing it into a ball. "And, hell, if it takes too long, we can always do this-" And then he leaped on top of Jasper, giving the blond a hat of white powder.

_"Emmett! Git offa me!"_


	11. Chapter 10

CHAPTER TEN- "Be My Escape," by Reliant K

Esme and I were hanging the last of the lights on the roof when a basketball of snow slammed into my back. I whirled, the ice under my shoes making a crunching sound as I spun around. Since it was only a few degrees colder than my skin, I was able to shake out the powder without any unnecessary wetness. "What the hell?" I shouted, my eyes landing on the boys, who were about half a mile into the trees.

Emmett, who had been hiding comically behind a waning tree, roared with laughter. Coming from behind him, Edward smacked the back of his brother's head.

"Emmett," Esme scolded. "Be polite; Bella is our guest."

"What was impolite about that?" he half-chuckled. "That wasn't an attack. That was a challenge." Snow dripped from his curly hair- this wasn't his first challenge of the evening.

"I wouldn't tease, Emmett," Jasper said as all three of the boys stepped into the clearing. He was balancing the trunk of a beautiful green pine tree in his hand. "You might have power, but I bet Bella could take you."

"You're kidding," Emmett snorted. Pushing back his sleeves, he kissed the bands of muscles on his arms. "She's got nothing against these babies."

"Nah," Edward agreed sarcastically. "She's just smarter, more graceful, and probably faster."

I would have blushed, had I been human still.

"Jasper, the base to the tree is set up in the family room," Esme said, bending her knees against the tilt of the roof. She slid off gracefully, landing on her feet with a near-silent crunch. "Try not to hit the chandelier this time, please."

He followed her inside the house, muttering, "I already said it was an accident."

"So, what do you say, Bella?" Emmett asked, a wicked gleam in his eyes. "You ready to take on... The Bear?"

"I would, Emmett," I said, shrugging. "But I wouldn't want _The Bear_ to go running to Christopher Robin when he gets his plush butt kicked."

There was a clamor of boisterous laughter from inside, and Edward had slapped a hand over his mouth to stifle his own. "Good thing it's snowing!" Jasper cackled, appearing on the front porch. "'Cause Emmett just got burned!"

I smiled. "Jasper, do you know when Alice and Rosalie will be home?" Crossing my arms over my chest, I looked down the driveway. Banter came easy with Emmett, but I didn't want to let down my guard completely.

"Ah, probably not much longer," he sighed, still grinning. On cue, his cell phone began ringing from his pocket. He picked it up in a blur, pressing it to his ear. "Yes?"

I heard Alice's soprano voice as she explained that she'd be home soon, and she fully expected the boys to carry in the metal. "We're covered in dirt," she said, "and we're going to clean up before we start decorating the tree."

"Yes, dear," Jasper said, slipping a hand in his pocket. "No problem."

She hung up without another word, and I could hear the purr of an engine slowing down at the entrance of the driveway. The tires crunched over gravel and snow, and pretty soon, a big, silver jeep- very much like the one Emmett had driven so long ago, but with modifications and new features- rolled up and stopped in front of the garage.

Rosalie opened the driver's door and jumped down, flipping her blond mane over her shoulder. She did look dirty, with grease smeared all over her hands and face. There was something wet and almost frozen stuck in her hair, and a tear in her baby blue sweater, but she looked like a supermodel as she blew a kiss at Emmett and disappeared into the house.

Alice wasn't nearly as messy, which made me wonder how much of the grime had been from fixing cars and how much was from the scrap yard. "Hey, Bella," she sang. "The house looks great." I may have been seeing things, but it honestly looked like she gave Edward a conspiratorial wink.

"I just helped hang lights," I said with a shrug. "No big deal."

"Well, it looks good," she affirmed.

Jasper's face lit up. "Alice, you missed the funniest thing..."

As he went into his rendition of what had just happened, Emmett turned to me and cracked his knuckles. "So, are you up for it?" he asked, making a show of flexing his muscles.

I didn't want to say no. The disappointment on his face would put a damper on my decent mood. But I didn't want to say yes either.

Alice exploded into giggles. "That _is_ funny. If only she'd been around in the beginning so they could arm wrestle."

Jasper and Edward chuckled at the thought, but the bigger of the brothers sneered. "But she wasn't, so the fact remains that I am still unbeatable. Now, are we having a snowball fight or not?"

"Oh, _definitely_." Alice said, and I knew this meant that she had decided for me. "Let me see if I can catch Rose: Vous voulez jouer dans la neige avec nous?" She put her hands on her tiny hips and looked up at the house, as if she were expecting _it _to answer.

"Allez sans moi," Rosalie replied from inside, and I heard a shower turn on. I wondered absently if the French was habit or just for fun.

"Ah, then we can't do couples," Jasper sighed. "So how are we dividing teams up? We gotta keep it even."

"I call Edward!" Emmett immediately shouted, raising his hand like a kindergartener.

"No." Jasper rolled his eyes and shook his head. "Then you'd have the strongest _and_ the fastest."

I started to back towards the house, but Alice caught me. "And Bella can't be on my team, or I'd be able to see the other group and that's not fair." Drat.

"Since when have you-"

"And you can't be with Edward either," Jasper commented. "You two always have something going on."

"If I can't have Edward, I want Jasper," Emmett spoke up.

"Fine," Edward said. "You and Jasper and Alice. Bella will be with me."

"What?" The word forced its way past my lips. I liked the way he said, 'Bella will be with me' far too much.

"It's fair," Alice shrugged. She wasn't putting up much of a resistance. "I can't use my abilities to watch the enemy, so he shouldn't be able to use his to conspire with his teammate." She added as a last thought, "So, no messing with emotions, Jazz."

The tall blond nodded. "Okay. Bella, do you know the rules?"

I shook my head, certain my expression looked like a deer caught in headlights.

"Okay, it's kind of like capture the flag. Except _you're _the flag. Or Edward." Jasper nodded at his wife, and she disappeared inside the house.

When she returned, she had two handkerchiefs balled in her hand. "Who's got the flag?" Edward nodded at me, and Alice took the liberties of shoving half of one handkerchief into my back pocket so that one corner showed..

"Now," Jasper continued. "We're all going to get three minutes, and each team runs in the opposite directions. After two minutes of straight running, the teams can spread out as much as they want. When the timer goes off, it's anybody's game. Other teammates try to distract the attention from the flag, and whoever gets the other team's flag wins."

"Alice, you're flag," Emmett muttered. It was a good defense- she was smaller, and probably faster than me.

"Okay," Edward said. "Ready?"

"Set your watch," Jasper said, looking at his wrist. "Edward and Bella go North, we'll go South."

"Ten, nine, eight," Alice began. We all edged toward our horizon. "Seven, six, five, four," I decided I wanted to win. "Three, two, one, go!" We shot forward, Edward and I, leaving the house in our snowy dust.

We didn't speak. All effort was put into running. Either he kept my pace or I kept his. When he sped up, I did, too; when I forced my feet to push the ground harder, he did, too. Our breathing fell in rhythm, and each second was an hour, allowing our speed to chew the ground in meters, miles, countries.

When I felt we were nearing the two minute mark, I glanced at him, wondering when we'd separate. Did he have a strategy in mind? Was I to play offense or defense? The handkerchief in my back pocket was like a weight.

"What's the plan?" I whispered hesitantly as trees blurred past us. I tried not to watch the concentration on his face, but my gaze refused to shift.

"Hmm." He looked at his watch and pursed his lips. "No plan." His pace suddenly dropped, and I forced my feet to slow down.

"No plan?" Very weird. Edward was the king of plans, and punctuality, and having things exactly how he wanted them. At least when I knew him, he was.

"Just stay close to me," he said, coming to an abrupt stop.

Considering the way my body ached to be near him, I didn't think that'd be much of a problem. "Okay," I replied breathily. I stopped a few meters away and drifted back towards him. "Now what?"

"Shh." He held up a finger, silencing me. He had his eyes closed as he listened to his surroundings. I tried to do the same, but I couldn't make my thoughts stray from his face for more than a few moments.

"Bella," he said lowly, very quiet. "As carefully as you can, come stand in front of me."

I nodded, slowly picking up my feet and moving them in front of me. When I put them down, the crunch of snow was deafening. I winced at every too-loud noise. He nodded at me, beckoning me forward with his fingers. The call was irresistible- I moved in front of him, a foot away from his chest.

He put his hands on my forearms, holding them to my sides. Leaning over my shoulder, he put his lips to my ear and whispered, "They'll be playing offense. There are more of them, so they think it'll be easy to get me away from you."

I shuddered. His breath was sending very distracting goosebumps down my spine. His hands were strong against my arms, thank God- I might have held tight and not let go, if it were not for his restraint.

"What they don't know, Miss Isabella Marie Swan,"- nobody had used my full name in ten years- "is that I don't plan on ever letting you get away from me again."

I breathed in his scent, his sweetness. My silent heart felt as if it were pounding again. It attempted to burst through my ribcage.

And, then, once more, as a snowball flying eighty miles an hour clipped my shoulder.

Edward suddenly pressed himself to my back, and I was very aware of his breath tangled in my hair. "Go," he whispered, and I shot through the forest. I panicked for a moment, thinking that I'd lost him, but my very own god was no more than a yard behind me. "Don't look back," he hissed as I glanced back at the clearing to see Emmett pounding towards us.

We moved through the trees as one, his steps automatically followed mine. We did not stumble or trip over each other as we should have, with him running so close, but we were one person. One set of arms, one set of legs. Our breathing even stayed in stride.

The enemy was hidden in the trees. I caught glimpses of them every now and then- a flash of blond hair, or Alice's jacket, and I could hear Emmett's low swearing- but Edward didn't let me pay any attention to them. He was talking to himself, saying Jasper's thoughts aloud. He seemed to be the key strategist, telling Emmett and Alice where to go and what to do.

"Keep Alice out of sight they might switch to offense any time what are they doing they're getting nowhere-" The words came quick and fast- no pauses. He didn't stop to move through sentences, and I tried to match Jasper's voice to the thoughts. Edward's smooth velvet made that impossible.

"We can't run forever," I said as low as I could. "They'll have to catch us eventually."

As if on cue, a cantaloupe-sized snowball exploded across my path. I dove over it to avoid stopping, and rolled into a crouch. There was a bark of laughter behind me, a hissed curse to my side, and I thrust my hips up and swung my leg to my right. Jasper, who had been diving for the flag, slid under me on his belly. I put my other foot on top of his back and kicked up, taking off into the forest again.

"Well done," Edward whispered over my shoulder. I hadn't seen him come up behind me, but he was holding to his promise. He hadn't lost me yet.

Yet.

The trees danced past us- they bent and moved as our breeze pushed them out of the way. Edward picked up speed, practically pressing himself to my back. I could feel each breath press against my shoulder blades.

There was a deafening crack, and Edward spun around with a loud snarl. I kept moving as he gathered a bullet of snow in his hand and hurled it viciously at his attacker. Another loud noise, and I heard a growl of pain from Emmett.

"I'll get you for that, lover boy!"

I panicked for a minute. Snow bulleted around me as I ran farther and farther away. How far could I get before Alice or Jasper intercepted me? How long would it take before Edward could get away from Emmett? My back felt cool; the breeze blowing across it reminded me that I was an open target. I swore under my breath, and looked up to the sky, as if praying to the heavens.

When I looked back down, Jasper was just yards ahead of me, prepared to make the interception.

In a six-hundredth of a second, I discovered that Emmett had been a distraction, meant to keep Edward away from me while Jasper captured the flag.

Realizing this, my breath hitched, and I wrenched myself toward the nearest tree. Jasper's bark of laughter echoed again as I felt his hand grasp at the waistband of my jeans. I squeezed my eyes shut, admitting defeat as I tried to swing around the tree in a last-chance attempt to escape.

No such luck. I felt his fingers graze the handkerchief.

A roar shook me out of my stupor, and I twisted my hips as a snowball slammed into Jasper's hand. The blond snarled with annoyance, and I didn't allow myself a sigh of relief before I was off again. There were sprays of powder as the fight continued behind me, but I paid them no mind. The edge of the woods was near, and I had to keep away from Alice and Emmett.

Edward's low trail of pronounced thoughts continued, getting closer to me with each millisecond that passed. "Oh no gonna find Alice gotta get there first-" The grayish light of the clearing called to me, and I saw a flash of Alice's red jacket. With a grunt of effort, Edward pushed himself past me, and I skidded to a stop at the edge of the forest. He wouldn't have left me alone if he had known that Emmett or Jasper were after me.

I instead watched as Edward's lithe form burst into the clearing, startling the pixie girl. Shocked, she whirled around- protecting the handkerchief- and snarled. He tried to dive around her, but she was faster, twisting out of his grasp and backing out of the clearing. Edward whirled past her, blocking her exit, and she hissed. Jasper appeared opposite of me, his eyes set on Edward. He didn't seem to notice me.

I edged toward the shadow, watching as Alice and Edward danced around each other, moving in a blur of skin and cloth. Jasper's hand recoiled, and then snapped forward as a snowball pelted Edward's shoulder. Distracted, he reflexively looked to see his attacker, and Alice raised her hand- full of snow- to smash the powder into his eyes.

Half a mile to my right, Emmett shot forward at the same time as I did. His muscle slowed him down. I was faster, lunging for her exposed back pocket. With a flash of color, my hand closed around the scrap of cloth, and I flew to the ground, my shoulders digging out a path in the frozen Earth.

The clearing stood still, Alice and Edward standing in the middle. The snow trickled from her hand as her eyes widened, and she suddenly whirled around to inspect her emptied pocket. "Dammit!" she snarled, and I let my head fall back so that I was staring at the sky. It spat snowflakes down at me, and I listened as the chorus of reactions errupted.

0o.o0

I paid no attention to the snow that had buried itself inside my shirt, my jeans, and my shoes. But the minute I stepped into the warm Cullen home, it all melted, drenching me. My hair stuck to my face in wisps, and the soles of my shoes squished with each step. With a wave to Esme, I went immediately to my bedroom and shut the oddly-shaped door as softly as I could.

My mind was in a tangle, but my heart was dancing, ecstatic that Edward seemed to be showing some affection. It wanted to run back downstairs and bury me in his arms. But my head was the voice of reason. It remembered what thirteen years without him had done. "He could leave again at any minute," it reminded me. "Don't you dare let yourself get attached."

I pondered this as I picked up my bag and set it on the bed. Would he leave? Would he tear us all apart again? My mouth set into a scowl as I pulled out my pajamas. If he did, I told myself, I would never speak to the Cullens again. I'd disappear, and they'd never be able to find me again. I pulled my wet clothes off and dropped them on the floor, trying to ignore the fact that I was ruining the plush blue carpeting. The big question was would I have the strength to run away from all of this again? Could I make myself leave these people, where I felt more at home than I ever had before?

I shook my head. These were thoughts I didn't want to entertain. Best case scenario: I stay in Oregon until I feel comfortable enough to move back in with the Cullens. Edward falls in love with the new vampire me, and we live happily ever after. Worst case scenario: I stay in Oregon until I feel comfortable enough to move back in with the Cullens. And then Edward convinces them all to leave again.

Could I take that? My lips pursed as I pulled on dry clothes. I was resilient, I knew- I always had been- but could I take the rest of my heart being shattered and stomped on?

Voices downstairs distracted me.

"Do it, Edward. Stop being a sissy and do it."

"I'll do it when I'm ready, Alice. Thank you very much."

"Hey, Jasper. Fifty bucks says Edward won't even knock on her door."

"Twenty says he does and then runs."

"You're on."

I snorted and rolled my eyes. This family was crazy, completely insane. Stifling a yawn, I shook my head and picked up my wet clothes. I hung them on the back of the rocking chair and put my extra pair of jeans under them to catch the dripping water. It was a black night- no moon in sight, and I blinked against my tiredness.

A hesitant knock on my door snapped me out of my quiet thoughts. I glided across the room and opened the door, my breath whooshing from my lungs.

Edward, of course. He looked so beautiful; the melted snow plastered his messy bronze locks to his forehead. He'd changed clothes as well, into a pair of gray sweatpants and a long-sleeved white shirt. It clung to him like a band groupie, tempting my gaze to move from his face. I didn't let it fall past his sculpted shoulders.

I smiled hesitantly. "So. Jasper wins, right?"

He sheepishly looked down at the floor. "Sorry about that. I try to tell them not to gamble on you."

"Technically," I said, folding my arms over my chest. "They're gambling on you."

A small, crooked smile stole my breath, and I bit my lip against a stifled desire. His face turned very remorseful. "This is very awkward for you, isn't it?"

"Yes," I replied honestly, still stunned by his face. He was so beautiful it hurt.

"I'm sorry about that. I wish I knew how to make this easier for you."

Pain lanced through my chest. He didn't want me. He was trying to let me down easy, to tell me that we could still be friends. Typical. "Me too," I spat bitterly, an angry V etching into my forehead. "There's a lot of things I wish you knew."

His face contorted with hurt. "Please, Bella... Please, don't be angry with me." I opened my mouth to hiss something rude, but he began again. "I'm not saying that you don't have every right to hate me, but I don't want you to." He sighed, as if this confession were a heavy load. "I'm not saying you have to care about me like you once did. Or care about me at all. But there's been so much hate here since we left, Bella, and I'm sick of it."

I turned around, but didn't close the door. I couldn't bear to watch his face when it looked so sad. "Dumping me didn't have the result you wanted, did it?" I whispered, not missing the fury I'd meant to inject.

He inhaled sharply, as if I'd splashed cold water on him. "No, Bella. It didn't. Because you're sad. You're angry and miserable, and it's all my fault. That's the complete opposite of what I wanted."

My chin trembled, and I clenched my jaw to keep it still. There was a soft, tentative touch on my waist, but that simple brush sent flames straight through my body. "You thought I'd be happy if you left me all alone?"

"Not at first, no," he murmured. "I knew it'd hurt. Hell, it nearly killed me to pretend I didn't love you. But I assumed you'd move on. Choose Mike or Eric or Tyler. I thought the worst case scenario would be that you'd throw yourself into a... sexual relationship and get hurt." Did he think so little of me? "But I was wrong. I never dreamed you'd attempt suicide or run away from home."

The hand was very firm on my hip now. It was a simple touch, but my body ached to lean into it.

"How do you feel about me?" I whispered, regretting the question as soon as it escaped my lips. But I had to know. Would he really be so cruel to touch me like that if he knew what it did to me?

He sighed once more, but this one wasn't painful or surprised. It was relieved, almost. "I love you, Bella." Edward stepped closer, and his hand traced down my wrist and took my hand in his. "I love the way you talk. I love the way you move. I love the way you smell, and the way you look. I love watching you with my family, and I want you to be a part of this so much. But I want me to be a part of this too. I want you to want to be with us, and I want you to want to be with _me_." His other hand took mine, and he pulled me to him, hugging me. "I shouldn't expect you to come back to me so easily- I don't- but I'm incredibly selfish, Bella. Staggeringly so. I want to watch you while you sleep and not feel guilty about it. Because I want you to want me."

I turned around in his arms, pressing my face into his chest. He held me tight, and bittersweet relief choked me. He loved me. He loved me, he loved me, he loved me. But he left me. Could I forgive him? After so much, could I put myself out there and risk the heartbreak all over again? Looking up at him, I couldn't make myself say no.

"Would it be incredibly rude of me to kiss you right now?" he asked gently, and I shook my head, angling my head up to accept his lips.

A gasp from the stairs made me jerk away. Just a few inches away, his still waiting lips curled into a snarl, and he turned. "Alice!"

I looked around him. The pixie- and Edward's brothers- were squeezed on the top step, ducking down out of sight. Emmett was snickering like a ten-year-old. I put this together with their conversation from earlier. I was some sick form of entertainment.

"Go to hell," I spat, pushing him as hard as I could and storming down the stairs. Alice, Jasper, and Emmett moved out of my way, calling after me.

"Bella, it's not like that!" Jasper shouted.

I felt so humiliated. I was just a stupid plaything to them. Edward didn't mean a word of what he said- he just liked to toy with my emotions.

Esme was standing at the foot of the stairs on the first floor, looking alarmed. I watched my feet as I blew past her. I could hear footsteps behind me as I ran out the door. I was halfway out of the clearing, when somebody grabbed my wrist and yanked me back. Edward.

"I hate you!" I shrieked, livid. "You're a sick, twisted, evil person, and I _hate_ you!"

The other Cullens were appearing on the porch. Esme was sobbing into her hand, and Rosalie was glowering at us.

"Bella, please don't say that," Edward begged, not releasing my wrist.

"And why shouldn't I?" I tried to yank my hand away, but he was stronger. "You pretend like you care about me to put a show on for your stupid siblings! You've got me on a string like a freaking yo-yo, yanking me up and down whenever you feel like it! One minute you're promising you'll never let me go, and the next minute you're doing something stupid! I am so sick of- Jasper, I swear to God, I'll kill you if you try and make me calm!"

"Bella, I promise you, I meant every word I said. Yes, we're entertainment to them, but I would never lie like that to you. I'd never humiliate you like that." He reached a hand up to touch my face, and I half-heartedly jerked away.

"How am I supposed to believe you?" I asked. "You've lied to me before, so how am I supposed to know when you're telling the truth?"

"Because I don't want to lie to you anymore." He moved his tight grip to my forearm, making his touch more gentle. "I told you- I don't plan on letting you get away from me again. I'll do whatever I have to do to keep that promise."

"I- I just..." I sighed exasperatedly. "I need some time to think." I glanced at the porch. "Without every single person in the world watching me."

"I can do that," Edward nodded eagerly. "You need time? It's yours. Just don't leave, Bella, please don't run away."

I pulled away, and with another glance at the Cullens, faded into the forest. I didn't run- I had no need to. Sure, my walking was much faster than a human's, but I didn't feel the need to escape. I needed some breathing room. The past fifteen minutes had my mind working a mile a minute. I had it separated into two categories: Did Edward love me? and Could I trust the Cullens?

It was possible that Edward loved me. Very possible, if I thought about it. But at the same time, it was also very unlikely.

He said that he left me so that I could be happy, but did he honestly think that my emotions could be so easily swayed? Or was that a cover for his true reasons- he didn't want me because I was just a pathetic human. Did he want me now that I was a vampire? Would that bother me?

I sighed. I never could figure him out, even when he loved me so long ago.

And then the Cullens. Esme, I knew, loved me undoubtedly. I had thought that Alice and Emmett did too, but after what just happened, I didn't know if I could trust them. Jasper seemed trustworthy, and I couldn't even begin to guess at Rosalie and Carlisle. Rosalie never liked me, and Carlisle might be upset with me for dividing his family so. Could I be with a few of the Cullens and not worry about the rest leaving? Or were they all a package deal- one leaves, all leave?

I put my back against the trunk of a tree and sat down. I'd forgotten that I was wearing my pajamas, and the snow looked stark white against my own pale, bare legs. The black sky wasn't a problem to my acute eyes, but it was still slightly unsettling. I closed my eyes, realizing how suddenly exhausted I felt. In fact, I was almost asleep when I heard a pair of crunching footsteps.

"Edward?" I asked warily, sitting straight.

"Nope. Just me." I recognized Rosalie's voice. I caught her blond hair in my peripheral vision, and I stood up, brushing off the back of my shorts. "Sorry to disappoint."

"You didn't disappoint me," I told her, folding my arms over my chest. "Did you come out here to yell?"

She rolled her eyes. "I should, for the way you're acting, but no." She held out a square package. "I brought you this. It's tradition- everybody opens one present on Christmas Eve."

Christmas had almost completely slipped my mind. I took it gingerly- it was slightly heavy for it's size. "And how am I acting?"

"Like an oversensitive, overreacting spoiled brat." She didn't hesitate, didn't pause to see if her words had struck a nerve. "I get that you're angry and all, but seriously- Alice, Emmett, and Jasper watch you guys cuddling up and you assume they're playing some sick joke? We do have better things to do than ruin your life."

I shrugged. "Maybe. So, what's in here?" I tapped the box with my thumb.

"Open it and see." She rolled her eyes, like it was obvious. Which, I guess, it was.

I sighed, pulling off the snowflake-patterned paper. A plain white box sat in my hands, and I flipped off the lid. Inside laid a jewelry box, like one that would hold a necklace. Flipping it open carefully, my eyes landed on a fine silver chain, with three keys strung along its length. "Oh. Wow." I pulled out the necklace, tucking the box between my elbow and my side.

"What do they go to?" Two of the three were just plain, generic keys. The third was tiny, like one that belonged to a diary that I'd had as a girl.

Rosalie grinned wickedly. "The first one is to the house. The second is to the Volvo- Edward had it put in storage several years ago. And the third... Well." Her blond head tilted, and her eyes glittered. "I'll let you figure that one out on your own."


	12. Chapter 11

CHAPTER ELEVEN- "Best of You," by Foo Fighters. And a happy birthday to fanpire21- here's my present to you. :)

The light filtering through the window was casting rainbows off of the shiny, wooden floorboards. The Cullens had taken all of the furniture when they left, so I was sitting in the middle of what was once the living room, staring out the glass wall. My possessions were comprised of a box of old clothes, a few sentimental possessions I'd had Jacob fetch from Charlie's house, and a thin mattress the wolves had found for me. Jake had offered me his bed, but I felt too guilty.

And to be frank, it stank worse than anything I'd ever smelled.

When I was with Jacob, I could make myself believe that it didn't bother me. His scent was nothing but a minor side effect of my newly established vampirism. As was the unbearable heat of his skin and the unquenchable burning in my throat. I could convince myself that they were just silly issues that I would get used to eventually. Once I was more in control of my thirst, we'd be- ugh- married. We'd go on and leave this horrible phase behind.

But when I was alone, like at this moment, the truth nearly tore me apart: our relationship was going to be nearly impossible.

I remember wanting to be an immortal vampire more than anything. Although, that was when I had one that actually wanted me, of course. I would have given anything to be like him, to stay young and beautiful and in love forever. Now all I wanted was my mortality back. I wanted to be warm- not burning, like Jacob's skin, and not cold, like my own. I wanted to be soft and breakable again, so that I could feel more like Jacob was protecting me. I wanted to be with him, and not hurt him. And I wanted this damned thirst _gone_.

Outside, I heard the sounds of twigs crunching and grass rustling. There was a shimmer in the air- a werewolf shifting. My spirits abruptly lifted, and my negativity disappeared. Company had become such a luxury. Between their adversity towards what I now was, and their ever-changing shifts, the wolves' visits were rare. Jacob came whenever he could, but he usually fell asleep after an hour or so.

Jake pushed open the door, kicked it closed, and then shook out his long, soaking wet hair.

"You're here!" I breathed, leaping up and embracing him.

"Ow, Bella! Ow!" He swore, and I apologized, forcing my arms to my side. "I know you're excited to see me, but I could do without the bruises."

"Sorry," I squeaked. I was beaming at him, ecstatic, but his face was dark, his posture defeated. He'd been like this for a few days, and it made my lonely doubts stir in my mind.

He leaned down- but lord, was he tall!- and kissed the top of my hair. I watched as he hid a grimace, and he petted my cheek affectionately. "How was your day?"

"Boring," I said. "I need new books."

"I know, I know," he sighed, scratching the back of his head. "I've been meaning to go into town and see about picking you up some, but with everything-" he cut off suddenly, as if he shouldn't be talking about it, and switched topics. "So what about your old books?"

"I've memorized them," I sighed sadly. "It's like whatever I see or hear gets imprinted in my mind. I try to turn it off so I can actually _enjoy_ the book, but I can't."

"Oh." He scowled at the glass wall behind me and sighed. He was so angry lately. I wished he would just cheer up so I could have a few hours of happiness. I was confined to this house and these woods, and it was incredibly frustrating when my only guest would frown all the time.

"Kiss me, Jacob," I demanded, frustrated.

He did so, but it was a mere touching of his lips to mine. His heart wasn't in it.

I sighed and stalked back to the living room, dropping onto my mattress. "If you're here because you feel sorry for me, you can just leave," I snapped.

"Do you want me to leave?" he mumbled, his voice low. I'd wanted him to say something sarcastic back, and he'd completely absorbed my anger.

"Do whatever you want, Jake. I don't care."

"I'm either here with you or I'm at my house sleeping. Do you want me to stay?" The way he said it... Like being with me was a burden- it bugged me. I would have teared up, had I still been human.

"I want- no." I stood up again and glared at him, crossing my arms over my chest. "I want you to tell me to my face that you'd rather be somewhere else."

"I'd rather be somewhere else," he deadpanned. He wasn't just repeating what I said either- I could hear the truth in his voice.

A snarl rumbled in my chest. My little sun was getting dimmer. He didn't want to shine on me anymore. "Then leave! Be somewhere else!"

"But then you'd be lonely," he sighed, like I was a chore. By visiting me, he was just taking out the trash or washing the dishes.

"I'm a vampire," I spat. "I'm gonna be lonely- before and after you're dead."

"I wish you wouldn't say that," he growled, running a hand through his damp hair.

"What? That I'm a vampire? Well, guess what- if you don't love me because I'm a vampire, then just go away. Run around with your brothers and let me be in peace!" This was it. After so much, he was finally sick of me.

"Would you quit being stupid!" he shouted, finally retaliating. My train of thought was completely derailed. "I said I would love you no matter what you are, and I meant it!"

"Yeah?" I asked, my fury scrambling to right itself. "Then how come you're acting like you don't want to be with me? Like you'd rather be doing anything else in the world than talking to me?" I could feel this scene etching itself into my memory. It would never fade. I would never forget yelling at him like this.

"Because I feel bad for you, okay?" His large hands fisted menacingly at his sides. "I feel _sorry_ for you!"

"Because I'm stuck in this house all by myself?" I hissed back. "Because I can smell prey in the forest but can't drink until _you_ say it's safe?"

"No!" he shouted. "Because- because..." His fists fell apart, and his shoulders slumped. "Because your dad killed himself three days ago. Put his gun in his mouth."

I paused, my mouth wide open, to see if he was joking, playing some cruel game. But his heartbroken expression didn't change. A fat tear rolled down his russet cheek.

"Oh, my God." I couldn't make my body move. "You're not kidding, are you?"

He shook his head, reaching out his arms to hold me. But I couldn't make myself move towards him. I could only stare at him incredulously, disbelievingly.

"Bella... Bella, sweetheart, please say something," I heard Jacob whisper.

It felt like I was crumbling to pieces. Oh, Charlie. I could distantly hear my breathing speeding up, and my too-layered mind was spinning, unable to settle on a single thought. Oh, Daddy. My diamond hard body gave out on me, falling to the mattress and curling into a ball.

My fingers tangled into my hair, and I did the only thing I could. I slammed my eyes shut and screamed.

The long, high pitched keening sounded more like a wild animal's terrified cry. It was so loud, so deafening. I'm sure that anybody in Port Angeles that day heard it and wondered what poor soul was being tortured. The tightening in my chest was building and building until it was burning a hole through my ribs. I stopped, gasped for air, and screamed again.

"Bella, Bella, please!" Jacob pleaded. I could feel his heat by my side, trying to shush me and gently pull my fingers from my hair. "It's okay! It's okay!"

"It's my fault!" I shrieked at him, writhing away from his too-hot touch.

It didn't discourage him, and he leaned over me, trying to hold me still. "Shh, shh! It's alright!"

I pushed and thrashed against him, but he didn't move away. He took the punches with muffled grunts and held me tighter. Finally, I kicked whatever I could, and there was a sickening crunch. He crumpled, falling on top of me, and I pushed him off. In a body that did not feel like my own, I flew up the stairs to the third floor, into the room I swore I wouldn't go into. I slammed the door so hard it split straight down the middle, and threw myself to the floor.

A few minutes later, I could hear Jacob sobbing outside the door with me. My cries were accompanied by shrieks and screams, and I couldn't understand why his didn't sound the same. Didn't he understand? My father, my dear, sweet father was dead because of me. Because I had to be stupid and go to Seattle when I knew it wasn't safe.

Eventually, my screaming stopped, and I could hear Embry and Quil downstairs consoling Jacob. My body still shook with sobs, and I could only stare out the big, glass wall with wide eyes. The forest was so dark now, so full of secrets that I knew all too well. The entire world seemed darker.

And the room itself was empty. Not a scrap of life in sight. I was all alone in this room. This room that held so many good memories was the only slight comfort to the consuming guilt. All my fault. All my fault.

My father was dead, and it was all my fault.

I was shocked, when I woke up in my room at the Cullens' house, that I wasn't bawling like a baby. Somehow, though, I didn't feel exhausted, like I'd been crying all through the dream. Depressed, yes, extremely so, but somehow, my subconscious had kept quiet while I slept.

I looked at the red glare of the clock by my bed. It was almost noon on Christmas day, and the Cullens were probably waiting patiently for me to awake so they could begin the festivities. I kicked off the electric blanket and unplugged it- Esme had been kind enough to leave it in front of my door last night. Plucking the four wrapped presents from my bag and pulling on an oversized hoodie, I pushed open my door and waited for the cold to return to my limbs.

There was a sign taped to the wall at the top of the stairs that said, "Merry Christmas, Bella!" A small caricature of me holding a gift was drawn in the bottom left-hand corner. I would have smiled, had my mood not been so black. My thumb rubbed the paper of the flat, square package in my right hand, and I tucked it into my sweatshirt's large pocket.

Esme and Alice were laughing when I came downstairs. None of the Cullens seemed surprised to see me awake, and Emmett patted the seat next to him on the large couch. With a half-hearted wave, I took the proffered place and put the presents by my feet. It was then that I noticed three things.

First, the large pine tree had been lit and decorated. The metal that Rosalie and Alice had retrieved the night before had been twisted and shaped into beautiful shapes. The tiny white lightbulbs reflected off of the shiny tin and aluminum ornaments, making the whole tree seem to glow. An intricately carved angel stood at the top of the tree, gazing down peacefully.

Secondly, Carlisle was standing behind Esme, who was seated in the white, leather seat. He was smiling at me warmly, his face like the sun. "Good morning, Bella," he said, his voice like silk. "I apologize for not being here earlier."

I tried to smile, but it probably looked more like a wince. I was already distracted, noticing that, thirdly, Edward was sitting on the floor with Alice, in place of her husband. "Where's Jasper?"

It may have been my imagination, but Alice's eyes suddenly seemed tighter, her smile less genuine. "He stepped out. He was feeling..." She and Edward exchanged a cautious glance. "Overwhelmed."

Perfect. So even if my sleep talking didn't alert them to my horrible nightmare and dark disposition, the emotion-reading vampire did. Stupid vampire abilities. My eyes cut towards the exit. How much of my torment had Jasper been subjected to?

"He told us to go ahead and start opening presents if you woke up before he returned," Esme said, patting the hand that Carlisle had placed on her shoulder. "I'm sure he'll be back soon." Her mask slipped when I nodded, and something flashed in her eyes. She was practically bleeding worry.

"I'll go first," Alice announced, crawling over to the tree and picking up a wrapped box. She stretched over the coffee table to hand it to me, and I took it gingerly. My lips pursed. I could feel every person watching me as I carefully pulled the plaid, green paper away from the white box. Inside were my shoes. My shoes from Junior prom. "You only got to wear one," Alice explained, looking almost embarrassed. "I figured that you might want to try them out again now that you know that you won't trip and fall."

Not likely. "Thank you," I murmured, touching the light blue ribbons. They felt like silk.

"Next!" Emmett called, reaching for the tree. Rosalie, on his other side, bent over and picked up a decorative bag, stuffed with tissue paper. He nodded his thanks and handed it to me. "For when Alice's frou-frou stuff gets to be too much."

Knowing he wouldn't mind, I skipped all the nice and polite pulling-out-the-paper ceremony. I turned the bag over, and it all fell into my lap. The top item was a pair of gray sweatpants, and they felt softer than fleece. There was a white t-shirt under that which read, "Sarcasm is my second language."

"Oh, dear," I sighed, holding up the shirt so they could see. "Alice, I'm afraid this won't match the shoes."

"There's that famous wit!" Emmett announced, clapping me on the shoulder.

I smiled, and caught Edward's eye. He was grinning crookedly at me. Butterflies danced in my stomach, and I let my eyes fall to my knees. His gift poked me from inside my pocket.

"Whose turn is it?" Esme asked, looking pointedly at Edward.

His smile wavered a bit, and he picked up a flat package at his side. It was a simple large, white envelope with a gold bow in the corner. He made sure that our fingers didn't brush when I took it from his hand. "I don't usually write down my compositions, because it's extremely tedious, but I thought you might want to learn to play someday. Now that you have the time."

The folder inside was a lot thicker than I had expected it to be, each page tucked neatly inside a plastic sleeve. Dots and swirls and lines danced across what I remembered was called a staff. Not all of the arrangements were labeled, but many, if not most, had titles like, "When Emmett and Rose Argue," and "What Jasper's Thinking Right Now." I stopped on the piece titled, "Isabella."

I glanced at the piano, which was half-hidden by a wall. It looked shiny and well-dusted, but something told me he hadn't touched it in a long time.

"Thank you, Edward." My voice bobbled on his name embarrassingly, and I cleared my throat to try and disguise it. "I'm sure I'll never be able to play them as well as you."

Esme glowed at my compliment, as though it was meant for her. Alice leaned over and whispered something in Edward's ear, and they both snickered. I tried to ignore the feeling that they might be talking about me. It would be stupid to get worked up over something trivial, like I had the night before.

There were three presents left under the tree, and Carlisle picked up one of them and gave it to me. "This one is from Esme and I. And from Jacob Black, too."

"Jacob?" I whispered, thinking back to the crunching noise I'd heard when I broke his leg trying to kick him off. Guilt smothered me.

"He wishes you well," Esme smiled warmly.

It was a black velvet box, so I knew immediately that it was jewelry. I stuck the silver bow on my knee, tucked Edward's compositions under my thigh, and pushed open the lid. In a half-second, Edward was at my side, pulling the delicate charm bracelet from its cushion and holding it out for me. The links looked like they might break and fall apart, but I extended my left wrist so that he could put it on. It sparkled, though there were no diamonds, and three little charms sang as they clinked against each other. Lightning shot up my arm when his fingers bumped against the underside of my wrist.

He didn't apologize.

"It's beautiful," I told them as Edward melted back towards Alice. I held it up so I could see it better, and the silver winked in the light. The first charm that I noticed was an intricately carved wolf, smaller than my thumb nail. It had its head thrown back, as if it was howling at the moon. This was Jacob's. The second was a phoenix, a bird of power that rose from ashes, its wings stretched out wide. And the last charm was a key. The three I had hidden under my shirt brushed against my skin as a reminder. They had put this one here to keep me wondering. The need to know was torturous.

"Jasper suggested it," Carlisle began warily. "He takes it upon himself to be the psychologist in the family. He told us that you needed to have something that represents yourself. Something you can change up whenever you feel like it."

"Which means that I get to buy you all sorts of trinkets," Alice interjected.

I stuck my tongue out at her, and she grinned. The bracelet, light as it was, was a weight on my wrist. It reminded me of Jacob, and who I used to be. I used to be happy.

"Speaking of Jasper," Esme murmured. "I'm getting worried. Emmett, would you mind going and looking for him? He shouldn't be too far."

"Sure, Mom." The friendly giant lumbered gracefully off the couch and out the door.

Esme looked up at Carlisle. "Do you think we should wait for them to get back so they can watch her open the present?" she murmured, quietly, but not like she was trying to keep me from hearing anything.

"I'm sure it won't take long," the doctor replied smoothly. "Go ahead and give it to her."

Alice clapped her hands happily, and Rosalie- closest to the tree- picked up the largest present. It was wrapped in silver-swirled paper, and three different sizes of ribbon had been used to make an intricately tied bow on top. I pressed my lips together. "Actually, Carlisle and Esme, why don't you guys open my presents first. Just to give them a little more time."

The woman in the chair beamed like I had just told her she won the lottery. "That's a wonderful idea, Bella!"

I picked two of the gifts at my feet and carefully handed them over. A hidden part of me wanted to take them back and hold them tight, never let them go, but they were doing me no good sitting in a box in my closet. They took their gifts, and I tossed Alice hers. They were all wrapped in newspaper, with ribbon I had used for a project at school tied into pathetic bows.

Edward was looking to the side, his brow furrowed. My hand slid into my pocket to retrieve his present, but a tiny voice whispered, "Charlie's dead. Charlie killed himself," and I couldn't pull it back out.

Alice and Carlisle ripped the paper, tearing it away, but Esme slid her finger beneath the tape and popped it open, neatly unfolding the newspaper. I kept quiet as they ooh'd and ahh'd over their trinkets, turning them this way and that.

"Thank you, Bella," Carlisle said, squeezing Esme's shoulder. She was opening the music box in her lap, beaming as the notes floated up. Alice was already trying on her new necklace.

"My dad gave me that when I was eleven," I whispered, pointing at the tiny gold swan around her neck. "But I never wore it because I was such a tomboy. And that pocket watch," I pointed at the gift in Carlisle's hand. "That was my dad's, given to him by his grandfather." Esme's gaze turned sympathetic and sad as my eyes landed on the box in her lap. "He gave that to my mom before they got married."

"We'll take good care of them," Carlisle assured me with a nod.

Esme gave Edward a watery gaze. "How far out are your brothers? I'd like to give Bella her present now."

"I can't hear their thoughts," he replied. "I'll try and listen out for them, though."

She nodded. "Rosalie? Would you mind?"

The blond slid the large box over to the seat between us, and I gingerly untied the bow, pushing away the ribbon and the curly string. I could smell leather the second I ripped the first tear, and my hands found something smooth as I tore off the paper.

The scrapbook I held in my lap would be heavy for a human. The leather cover was dark brown and smooth, and it smelled like the couch that my mom had when I was a child. My finger traced over the large gold letters that spelled out, "In Remembrance." My name and birth date were inscribed in loopy letters on the side. "A scrapbook?" I murmured, looking up at Esme curiously.

"Edward's idea," she smiled, nodding at her son.

My eyes cut to him. He nodded encouragingly, and I flipped open the cover. The very first page hosted two pictures: one of my mother holding an infant Bella at the hospital, and the other, baby-me again, but this time cradled awkwardly in Charlie's arms. They looked so young and happy. It was hard to believe they were my own parents. The first couple of pages passed like this as my parents went through their "baby's first" phase. And then, at the fourth page, my parents didn't have any pictures together.

I couldn't really attach any of these pictures to a memory. Most of the things I remember were from the last few years of my human life, and whatever I dreamed about every so often. Everything else was fuzzy and incomplete- a faint whiff of perfume, a flash of someone's face, an incoherent voice... Most of these memories- like the picture somebody took of a much-younger me with braces, and the scribbled coloring sheet that was dated 2003- I didn't have. They weren't mine.

But some of them, I still held. There was a picture of me and Edward at Junior prom, which made my chest ache to see. Another prom photo held me and Alice, juxtapose, as Emmett's hand formed bunny-ears over my head. A year or two later, and there was Billy, Charlie, Jacob, and I standing on one of the tallest cliffs in La Push. I turned the page, and a shot of my left hand, with Jacob's engagement ring on my third finger, looked up at me. There was a rip straight down the middle, but someone- either Jacob or one of the Cullens- had taped it back together.

Two pages later, and there were no more pictures. The scrapbook was maybe ten pages filled, and it stopped on two newspaper articles, one with a school photo of me and the remains of my truck in Seattle. Another with a picture of me and Charlie. My shoulders shook as I pressed a hand to my mouth. I'd never seen these before. _This_ was why Jacob hadn't brought me the newspaper that week after I 'died.'

The Cullens were quiet, nervously so, as they watched me read those two stories again and again. I don't know what happened, but something in me shifted. A dam breaking maybe, or a sudden crack of thunder, and the sky begins to pour. My entire body started trembling with fury, and I slammed my eyes shut. My teeth found their way into my bottom lip, and I bit down hard.

"Bella? Are you okay, sweetheart?" Esme asked faintly, worriedly.

"Uh-oh," Alice whispered.

"How could you?" My voice was broken and soft, and I dug my hands into the sweatshirt I wore. "How can you call me that to my face?"

"Bella, I- I don't understand."

I opened my eyes- Carlisle had taken his hands from her shoulders and moved a step towards me. As if I was a threat. Alice and Edward stood up, and Rosalie looked like she might pounce.

"You were the first person who was ever really a mother to me." The breath I took in was cold and hurt my lungs. "How could you claim to love me and then leave me behind?"

"I _do _love you," Esme insisted, wringing her hands. "You know I love you, Bella."

"Then how could you force me to go through all of this alone?" My hands balled into fists, and I exhaled forcefully.

"Bella, please don't blame Esme." Edward took a step forward. "This was all my decision."

"You're _right_!" I shouted, pushing the scrapbook harder than I meant to. It flew across the coffee table and crashed on the floor. "You're the one who picked me out of everyone else, told me you loved me, and then _left._ Nothing went right after the day you abandoned me in the forest."

"Abandoned you?" I don't know if he meant to, but his voice raised, and anger furrowed his brow. "I left you in plain view of your house!"

"And what did you expect me to do?" I laughed bitterly. "Mosey on back inside, fix dinner for Charlie, and let him hold me as I cry? I thought you knew me better than that." He never knew me at all.

"Of course not! I didn't assume you'd be _happy _if we left. If I did, we would have been gone long before your eighteenth birthday." His face was dark and angry and glorious. It made me want to scream and cry at the same time.

"You knew it would screw me up and you did it anyways!"

"Do you still not understand?!" He threw his hands up, staring at me like I was stupid. "I thought it was _best_ for you!"

"Yeah, everything went _perfect_, Edward. Absolutely _perfect_."

"Bella." Rosalie stood up, holding her hands out defensively. "I get that you're mad and all- a lot of crap happened, and we understand that. But that's no reason to yell at us. We didn't screw up your life. These things happen."

"My father is _dead_, Rosalie!" My hands ached to shove her, which surprised me, since I wasn't usually a violent person. "He killed himself because he thought I was dead. Because Victoria bit me. Because _you guys _weren't there." It sounded horrible coming out of my mouth, and petty- like I only wanted them there to protect me. But it was truly how I felt.

"Oh, come on," she sneered. "You had your precious wolves. It's not our fault they were sleeping on the job."

"Rose," Carlisle snapped, holding up a hand at her. "That's enough."

"You don't care that she's yelling at us for no reason?" Her beautiful face twisted at me, in a way that made me remember a glimmer of high school.

"She has her reasons," Carlisle said evenly, like I wasn't even in the room. I wanted to smack him. "And we're not going to tell her that what she's feeling is wrong. It's okay for her to be angry at us."

"It's not _Esme's _fault," she hissed. "It's not mine or Alice's! I refuse to be the victim of some misplaced hissy fit." Rosalie glared pointedly at me, and I snarled.

"Like when you were so polite to me in high school?" I said sarcastically. Hatred, pure and hot, echoed the taste of venom in the back of my throat. "Thank you for sparing me _that_."

"Rose, I think you should leave," Alice interjected calmly. "We're trying to make amends with Bella, and you're not helping any."

"No!" I objected. "I think it's about time I started this. You come back into my life after leaving so long ago and expect me to welcome you with open arms? I don't _think_ so."

"Bella," Carlisle said softly. "We wanted to stay- we really did."

"So, why didn't you?" I scoffed. "Edward's not the leader of this coven- _you_ are. At any time, if you cared about me at all, you would have stepped in and said something."

"We thought he was right," Alice insisted pleadingly. She put a hand on my arm, but I shook it off. "We thought it was best for you, but we honestly didn't want to leave you."

"Then why didn't you _call_?" I looked at her incredulously. "Even if it was the best thing for me, when you saw me jump off the cliff, you didn't even call to see if there would be a funeral!"

"So you _were _trying to kill yourself!" Edward accused.

"No!" I shouted, actually pushing him away. "I wanted to hear your voice, dammit! When I put myself in danger, I could hear you talking to me again! I wanted that! Because I loved you! I jumped off a cliff in the middle of a gathering storm so I could hear you tell me to stop being stupid."

"Bella, I'm sorry," he whispered. "I lied. I swear I did. I loved you then, and I love you now." His golden eyes begged me, pleaded with me. "It killed me to tell you otherwise. I thought you'd forget us and move on."

"I _loved _you, Edward! Did you think so little of me? That it was just a school girl crush, and I'd lose interest if you gave me long enough? If you really cared about me like you say you did, you would have come back to me!" A snarl ripped through my chest, and Alice reflexively moved into a half-crouch. "Was it your pride?" I shouted at him. "Did you want to see how long you could make yourself stay away? You said you loved me more because you would leave me if you had to. Were you trying to prove that you loved me more? Because that's a really _stupid_ way of doing it!"

"I'm sorry, Bella," Esme whispered, a hand held over her mouth. She stood up and glided out of the room.

"Congratulations," Rosalie said dryly. "If _anybody_ loves you, it's Esme. Do you _like_ upsetting her or something?"

"_Upsetting _her?" I glared, hissing at her between my clenched teeth. "Yes, I _live _for it. Just like how I love knowing that Charlie killed himself. I'm sorry I have to hurt her- I really am- but I am _not _going to pretend like I'm happy about the way you treated me."

"Bella," Carlisle warned, shaking his head.

I didn't stop. The anger was too hot and indelible. "You left me. You led me to believe that you all loved me and then took that away from me. You gave me all the danger with none of the safety."

I shuddered as I thought of my changing. "I endured excruciating pain. Alone. Because the only person who wanted to be near me was a werewolf who was too caught up in his own tragedy to think about me!"

"Okay," Rosalie interjected. "We get it. You're pissed. What do you want us to do about it?"

"I just want you to know how I felt!" I shouted. "I want you to know how horrible it feels to know that someone you loved died because of how miserable he was. I want you to know what it's like to be alone for ten years with nobody to talk to you. Nobody to love you or tell you they want to be with you."

"I'll talk to you," Edward insisted, stepping forward again. "I love you. I want to be with you." He hugged me, held me tight.

I struggled and pushed away."Do you remember what you said that day in the forest?"

"Every word," he told me solemnly, clenching his fists at his side. "There were some days where it just ran through my mind over and over again."

"Then you remember when you told me to take care of myself?" I glowered, folding my arms over my chest like I child.

"Of course."

"'For _Charlie!_' 'For _Charlie,' _you said! I tried, I did, but if you cared so much about me like you say you did, why didn't you say, 'take care of yourself... for _me_'?"

"Bella, I _had_ to make you believe I didn't love or want you. It was the only way you would let me go." His eyes were honest- I couldn't say that he was lying. But it still hurt so much. "I love you, Isabella. I swear on my soul I love you."

"You don't even believe you _have_ one," I spat.

"What would you like me to swear on?" he asked, taking a step back and holding out his arms. "On my parents' graves, I swear. On my family's life, I swear. I swear on the sun and the moon and the sky- I _swear_, Bella, I _swear. _I love you." He whispered this last sentence, and a shudder ran down my spine. His words held magic, entrancing me like they did so long ago.

"But is that enough to let myself forgive you? Where's my guarantee that you won't leave?" My heart ached, like I'd just suffered an attack. The pain in my chest was unbearable, and the doubts in my mind were even worse. "You told me you loved me once, and then left anyways."

"I swear," Alice whispered. "I won't go. We won't go."

"What if _I_ want to go?" I hissed, edging towards the door. "What if you've hurt me too bad? Maybe I want to turn around and run, never come back? I could disappear- you'd never find me."

"You promised," Edward croaked. "You promised you'd stay as long as we did."

Damn. "And what did you promise me? That day in the hospital?"

"That I'd stay as long as it was best for you," he quoted. "I'm sure I remember just as well, if not better, than you."

"Well, maybe it's not the best thing for me anymore," I spat. "You were once, but now this might just be too hard for me to handle." I made eye contact with each person in the room before doing my best to walk calmly up the stairs and into my room. I flung the sweatshirt off, sat down on my bed, and put my forehead to my knees.

"So..." I heard Rosalie whisper. "Is she staying?"

"I don't know." Alice's voice was broken, like she was crying. "I can't see her."

I wrapped my arms around my center, trying to steady my breathing. Those words...

_I swear, Bella, I swear. I love you._

How was it possible that after so long, after believing that he was cold and insensitive, and that he didn't care for me at all, that he still seemed to be every bit as in love with me as that day in our meadow? And how was it possible that after throwing out anything that reminded me of him, rebuilding my life from below the ground up, and swearing that I'd never love him or any of the other Cullens again, that I undeniably still did?


	13. Chapter 12

**CHAPTER TWELVE- "I Don't Want to Want You," by Lesley Roy**

_"I'm _trying, _Jacob."_

My boyfriend loomed over Charlie's living room as he paced. He was like a tiger in a cage- or, more appropriately, a wolf, scowling darkly at the floor. "No, Bella, you're not. You're not even _attempting _to let go of those leeches."

"I am!" I insisted angrily from my spot on the couch. "I have!"

I was never a very good actress. I knew when my lies fell flat, but I was improving. I got better every time Jacob asked me who I loved most.

"You have?" His tone was mocking, doubtful. "You've finally realized that you're better off without them?"

I'd never be better off. I'd learned that so long as I lived, there was always going to be a piece of me missing. But for now, for Jacob, I could lie. "Yes," I said, doing my best to keep his gaze. "I don't need them."

"Or want them?" he asked slowly, seeming to actually believe me this time. He'd stopped in his pacing and was watching me with his thick, black eyebrows raised.

"Or want them," I said as firmly as I could, my hands clenching in my lap. The denial made my heartbeats heavy and painful, and I hoped they wouldn't give me away.

He stared for a long time, trying to decide whether to believe me or not. Then he pursed his lips and disappeared. When he returned, he had a small device in his hand. He pressed a button and aimed it at me. The video recorder my mother bought me for my nineteenth birthday stared at me with a tiny, blinking light.

"Say it again," Jacob demanded. "Say it like you're saying it to him- them."

"Why?" I asked indignantly, crossing my arms over my chest.

"Just do it, Bella," he sighed impatiently.

"Tell me why."

"I'm going to have Quil and Embry track down the Cullens," he said his voice vibrating with authority- it'd been like this since his and Sam's last argument. "They'll give this to them. Make sure they don't come back and wreak havoc all over again.

He thought they'd come back for me? The thought was stupid. They were done with me. I supposed he couldn't see it, because he was on my level- or at least, closer than _him_- but they'd never come looking for me. "No, Jacob." I glowered at him. "You're taking this way too far."

"Too far?" He threw his hands up and sighed exasperatedly. "Bella, I love you! And it kills me to see you so upset over people who hurt you. They _left_, Bella. They didn't appreciate you." Kneeling in front of me, he pressed the recorder into my hands. "This is the only way you'll ever get over them." He squeezed my knee. "They're already over you."

"I won't do it," I told him firmly, pulling legs away. "It's cruel and mean." And there was no use in hoping that they were missing me.

Sighing, he stood up and backed away, leaving the recorder in my lap. "Maybe. Just think on it, Bella. It's best for you- you'll see."

"I won't do it," I repeated as he kissed me on the forehead and edged toward the door.

"Just think on it." His hand reached for the doorknob. "You don't have to decide right now."

I rolled my eyes. "Whatever."

With a lopsided grin, he waved goodbye and disappeared into the rain. He seemed to come and go whenever he pleased, barging in and making me mad, and then sweet talking me into forgiving him before moving onto his _next_ stupid thing. It was what I loved and hated most about him.

I stared at the recorder long after he left. Even after I got up to start dinner, I kept glancing into the living room. Because, what if Jake _was_ right? What if telling them that I didn't want or need them was a way to get rid of all this hurt and anger. Thinking about rejecting them, whether they cared about me or not, made my chest tighten. They would probably watch it together as a family, all crowded on top of their designer furniture.

No. If I knew Edward like I thought I did- which, actually, wasn't very well, considering all that I'd assumed about him while he was here- he'd want to watch it on his own- _demand_ to watch it alone.

So, what would I say?

I moved dinner onto the back burner- figuratively and literally- and sat down on the couch. Leaning over to set the camera on top of the TV, I pointed it at me and clicked "record."

"Hi... Edward." The name was foreign in my mouth after so long of not speaking it. "So, it's been a couple years since you left, and I just wanted to get some things off my chest."

I felt silly talking to the camera. I was completely improvising, and I feared that I would run out of words. Lifting my chin a little, I looked directly at the camera. The red light winked at me.

"I get that I'm just a human, okay? I'm clumsy, I jump to conclusions, and I cry when I get mad. I can't be perfect like you. I bruise easily, and I've got a tendency to attract danger. But that was still me when you promised me forever. I want to know what changed, because it sure wasn't me. When did you realize that you're too good for me?" I laughed bitterly. "Or better- when did that become enough to make you leave? You know, you sneer and make fun of human relationships, but in the end, you're nothing but a teenage boy yourself. After the chase is over, you realize you didn't get exactly what you wanted."

I could feel the tears stinging the back of my eyes. I didn't want to cry- not that I'd ever get the courage to give this to Jacob to pass on to the Cullens- but it just seemed like defeat to me. So, I glanced down at my hand, and the silver band on my third finger gleamed up at me. I held it up so the camera could see. "Jacob and I are getting married. Jacob Black. Because he never pushes me away, and... and because he actually lets me have _fun, _and because..." I exhaled sharply. "Because..."

I felt my lips moving, trying to form words that wouldn't come. I probably looked like a goldfish, just sitting there gaping and staring. But I couldn't make my mind focus on Jacob. Every single thought was occupied with Edward and our relationship. Remembering how protective he was just made me remember that he loved me- or thought he did. Remembering that he loved me just made me remember that I loved him. Remembering that I loved him just made me realize that I still did and always would.

"I still miss you," I whispered, twisting the ring around my finger. It suddenly felt heavy. "Sometimes I dream about you, and then I wake up and I can't move, it hurts so much."

I felt a tear slip.

"I _hate _this." My voice was still small. "I hate what you've done to me. You've ruined me- came into my life and wrote your name all over everything. It's _not fair_."

More tears trickled.

"How come you can tear my heart apart so easily, but you don't even miss me enough to call? How come you can just walk away, but I'm stuck here loving you for the rest of my life?" I coughed out a teary laugh and brushed my sleeve against my wet cheek. "There. I said it. I still love you, Edward. My stupid, broken human mind isn't quite the sieve you think it is."

In my head, I could see his beautiful, perfect face, mouthing the words he'd killed me with so long ago. But I couldn't hear his voice. That sound was something my mind just couldn't produce.

"I thought you loved me," I sobbed, my shoulders shaking. "You said you did. I _believed_ you. And now I'm stuck here loving someone who doesn't care that I'm alive. I care about Jacob, and I have to lie to him every day. I'm hurting him because I can't-"

I had to stop to cover my face and bawl for a moment. Thinking these things were one thing- saying them aloud was another matter completely. I was embarrassed- humiliated- by this display of human weakness. There were just reminders all around me of those five words: "You're not good for me."

"You're _hurting_ me," I cried, wiping away as many tears as I could with the heel of my hand. But for every one I pushed away, it seemed like two more poured out. "Every breath I take is like acid. And what's worse- what's worse is that there's nothing I can say, nothing I can do to make you love me." I folded over on myself, the pain in my middle leaving me breathless and dizzy. My hand flew to my mouth, like I needed it to hold something back. Not a scream, because there wasn't enough air in my lungs to produce anything worthy of that, but a silent scream nonetheless. One that vibrated through me, shaking the foundation of everything that stood. A scream loud enough to deafen me.

_And the camera saw it all._

It was very obvious, when I awoke, that I wasn't on Charlie's couch or my own sheetless bed. The first thing I saw when I opened my eyes was Edward, his beautiful face outlined with the light from the hallway. He was standing in my open doorway, straddled over the threshold. There were indentions on the brass doorknob where he was holding it too tightly.

"I can leave... if you want..." His voice was ragged. It sounded pained. "You were calling my name- I thought you needed me."

I sat up slowly, surprised to remember that I couldn't cry anymore. Even so, I felt that tightening in the back of my throat as I looked at my first real love, the person who tore me to pieces. But I wasn't angry. No, I'd spent all that with my screaming a few hours earlier. All I felt was a deep and profound need. My arms raised weakly, and I heard myself croak, "Edward."

He was holding me in an instant, my legs straddling his lap as I sobbed into his neck. He was so strong, so solid, so _there. _His hands were on my waist, in my hair, touching my face- everywhere at once.

"I'm sorry," I cried. "I'm sorry I yelled at you."

"Shh, shh, Bella, no." He kissed the top of my head. "You have every right to be angry. _I'm_ sorry."

"You- you thought it was best." I shook my head, but I couldn't speak. Thirteen years of hurt was pouring out. He murmured soft apologies and affectionate words, pushing back my hair and kissing my temple.

"Was it a bad dream?" he crooned into my ear.

I nodded.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

I swallowed and pulled back. "Over there, in my jacket." He turned to look at the crumpled fabric on the floor. Leaning over, he picked it up and handed it to me. His present fell into my lap. "This... I made this back in Forks." I handed him the DVD. "Jacob wanted to find you-" I gulped down another sob- "But I didn't let him."

Edward looked at the jewel-cased disk in his hands and then gently pulled away, kissing the top of my head before disappearing down the hall. The room instantly felt lonelier, and the tears came again. It felt like I had so much to cry for- for Charlie, for the wolves, for my mother, for the Cullens, for myself... One decision- one that went all the way back to moving in with Charlie- disrupted all of our lives.

It didn't seem like any of this could bring any good. Not enough to make up for so much heartbreak. How could there be enough happiness in the future to justify Charlie's death and my mother's tears? Was it possible for the world to start moving again, when everything had stopped the day Edward left? Something inside me was shifting, accepting and grieving. A part of me wanted to look to the horizon with hope, but for now, the pain was consuming.

Edward returned, but he didn't sit down with me. He took a place in my rocking chair, a portable DVD player in his lap. The blue from the screen illuminated his face, and the perfection of it sent another sob down my spine. A few seconds passed, and I could hear my voice, so different than the one that had been coming out of my mouth for ten years.

I curled into a ball as I heard myself speaking- at that time, only receiving a taste of the pain that was to come. This Bella was so naive in thinking that this one loss determined her fate. She had no idea that there was so much destruction ahead of her. The first time I heard her voice break, a shudder passed through me that didn't fade for many moments. It was a dual pain, the one for me and the one for this girl from the past.

And if I thought I had known pain before, it was nothing compared to what I felt when I saw Edward lift a hand to his eyes, his shoulders trembling. On the video, I knew, I was doubled over, my face probably hideously mangled in my attempt to quell the storm inside of me. But I had to clap my hand over my mouth to keep from making potentially embarrassing noises- Edward was _crying_. It was so completely _wrong_, so twisted. Angels should not be allowed to cry.

His eyes fell on me, black and tortured. "Bella," he whispered, letting the DVD player fall to the floor. We reached for each other, and I clung to him as he sobbed with me. "I had no idea," he groaned. "Bella, I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry."

I shook my head, my face buried in the crook of his neck. "I felt so worthless. You didn't want me."

"I want you, you stupid girl." He was kissing my face, covering every inch of skin. "I can't live without you. I _need _you." His hands pushed back my hair and held my face between his palms. "The only reason I could ever separate myself from you would be that it'd kill you to have me near."

"It killed me to have you gone." I tangled my hands in his hair and pulled his face to mine. His lips gave beneath my kiss, so different than it used to be. I wouldn't say that everything was suddenly better, but the burden I'd been carrying- the guilt, the loss, the self-loathing- it all seemed a little bit more bearable with Edward pressing me to him.

"I know, love, I'm sorry." His shoulders shook heavily, and I held him tight. "I'll never leave. I swear I'll always be here- whether you want me or not."

"I'll always want you," I told him firmly, the authority in my voice dampened by the roughness of invisible tears. "So, if you're going to say that you better mean it."

He kissed me again, deep and slow. "I've never been more sure of anything in my life."


	14. Chapter 13

CHAPTER THIRTEEN- "Come On Get Higher," by Matt Nathanson

My hands were clenched in the sheets when I awoke, my eyes tightly squeezed shut. I breathed laboriously into the pillow, coughing out sobs and convincing myself that it was all just a dream. Well, as much as a dream could be a dream for me. The only memory I hadn't revisited in ten years echoed hauntingly through my head. _"You don't want me?"_ I could hear myself saying. Edward's velvet voice played a role too: _"Bella, I don't want you to come with me."_

The cold burning in my chest was unbearable, devouring me from the inside out. I attempted to curl in on myself, but something stopped me. When I opened my eyes, my vision was filled with Edward's bare chest, leading to his throat, and then to his face. His eyes were closed, his expression peaceful, and suddenly, the fire was quenched. "Edward?" I whispered, but he didn't open his eyes. Strange. "Edward," I repeated louder.

His eyelids fluttered open, and I stared into pools of gold. "Good morning," he whispered, smiling crookedly at me.

He was so beautiful that I swear my heart started beating for a minute. Was it truly possible that our reconciliation wasn't merely a preface to my nightmare? It seemed too good to be true, but there was no other way to explain the gloriously content Greek god I was currently using as a pillow. "Do I have to get up?" I muttered, hiding my face in the crook of his neck.

"You don't have to do anything you don't want to," he assured me. "We can stay here all day if you wish."

Shaking my head, I sighed. "No. I really need to apologize to your family." Guilt smothered me as I remembered how I'd ruined the Cullens' Christmas.

"They've decided to go hunting for a few days," Edward informed me smugly, brushing a messy curl away from my face. "Alice had a sudden urge to get out of the house."

I tried to hide my pleased smile. "They didn't have to do that." My body fitted to his nonetheless, my legs wrapping around his denim-donned leg. Despite the remorse I felt for kicking the Cullens out of their home, it was a very nice way to begin the day. I wasn't quite ready to share Edward with anybody else, and besides that, I was still a bit of a coward. The thought of vindicating Rosalie's words made me apprehensive.

"Oh, trust me, none of them put up a fight." He chuckled, reaching his arm back to use it as a pillow. "Before Alice could even explain why she wanted to leave us alone, Esme already had her key in the ignition."

The things I'd said to her the night before echoed back to me, and I cringed. "I was so rude to her."

"You were upset." His free hand was drawing abstract patterns on my back.

"That's no excuse. I feel like a jerk." I sighed and put my forehead to his smooth skin.

"So do I, love," he murmured, staring at something far away. Lines were etched into his forehead, his lips pursed. When his gaze returned to me, though, his expression lightened. "But just think- we have the rest of forever to make it up to them."

I smiled against him. An eternity with Edward and the rest of the Cullens seemed to be everything I always wanted. It was almost too good to be true. A tiny part of me was trying to convince me that this was all just a facade, but I immediately gave that mentality a pair of cement shoes. After last night, I'd decided that whether Edward wanted me or not, I was no longer going to push him away. Having him in my arms and hearing his sweet words was just too addictive. "My own personal brand of heroin," he'd once called me. Now that metaphor seemed to have reversed.

"How long will they be gone?" I wondered aloud, brushing my lips against his collar bone.

"Two, three days," he estimated, twisting a lock of my uncombed hair around his finger. "Just enough time for us to have some personal space."

An errant thought struck me, and I almost pushed it away, but curiosity devoured me. "Can I ask a question?"

"Never," he deadpanned, and I rolled my eyes.

"I was just wondering... Do you remember when you asked me if I'd been with anybody, and I told you I had?" His eyes smoldered, and he opened his mouth to reply, but I cut him off. "Of course you do. Well, I'm curious... Were _you_? With anybody else, I mean."

"My own family could hardly bear to be around me," he told me. "And there's never been anyone but you."

I frowned. As much as I hated the thought of someone else touching Edward, it would have made me feel the tiniest bit less guilty. It would be a lie to say that I was perfectly content with Jacob, but the entire relationship seemed like adultery. "I wish I could say the same," I sighed.

"You regret him?" he asked, honestly sounding surprised.

"I don't regret _him_, per say." My mind tried to organize my thoughts; it was a confusing subject. "I had some very good times with Jacob. But a lot of rough times, too. Some were so bad, I wonder if the good can validate the relationship."

"That makes sense," he said, his expression thoughtful.

We were quiet then, obviously sensing that no more would be said on the subject. It wasn't an uncomfortable silence, though. I was very content just laying against him, his hand tangled in my hair. After thirteen years of being separated, it appeared that we hadn't been apart for more than a day. The ease at which this came was surprising. I'd never expected to feel this comfortable around him again.

His presence was almost blissful as we watched the sky lighten- it was still dark when I awoke. The way the sun was pouring through the window, it seemed that all the snow-filled clouds had moved out, at least for the day. When a few stray beams stretched out far enough to graze Edward's forearm, his skin lit up with rainbows. I shifted my hand so that it caught the rays, too. The crystals embedded in our skin reflected patterns onto his face, and he blinked against the light.

The sun must have reached me by now, because Edward grinned crookedly and said, "You look like an angel, Bella." I opened my mouth to thank him, but he shook his head and cut me off. "You always have, of course, but now you have the halo to match."

"Don't worry," I told him offhandedly. "I've still got a bit of devil in me."

He chuckled. "That's what I'm counting on."

Our banter continued like this- off and on, no long, drawn out conversations. Neither Edward or I felt like reliving the past thirteen years, and the future seemed too far away to be concerned with. We made comments and asked questions, but we mostly just basked in the feeling of being together. There was no need- nor want- for time to pass. This moment, for right now, was all we had, so we held onto it.

When the sunshine spotlight had made its way through the room, and the sky began to darken again, I sighed. It was unlike me to waste away an entire day. "That's it," I announced, sitting up. "I have to get up. I need to _do_ something."

Edward grinned, pushing himself up as well. "And what is it you plan on doing?" His amusement was smug. "There's nobody to cook for, and Esme keeps the house spotless."

"I'm not sure," I admitted, kicking away the covers. "But if I stay in this bed one more minute, I'm going to go crazy."

"Well, then, by all means..." He was up and across the room before I could take another breath, picking up his discarded shirt and slipping it on.

That gave me an idea. "No, wait a minute," I said, pulling off my hoodie.

Edward raised a brow.

"Laundry!" I shouted, throwing the jacket at him. "You're turning into Emmett."

He chuckled and brought both his shirt and my hoodie over to me. "I'm sorry, love." His lips brushed against my forehead, and he buried his nose in my hair. "Can you blame me for being in a good mood?"

"Yeah, yeah, yeah," I muttered, trying very hard not to be fazed. "Find me some clothes to wash."

"Please?" he teased, brushing his thumb over my bottom lip.

I folded my arms over my chest like a child and looked up at him. "Please."

The feeling of his mouth on mine was indescribable. When he tried to pull away, I made an objection that sounded very much like, "Mmmphglmn." His lips formed a grin against mine, and his palms pressed against my cheeks. A shudder of pleasure trickled down my spine as he traced the shape of my lips with his tongue. When I thought that becoming a vampire would err the effect Edward had on me and his ambrosial taste, I was dead wrong. His touch electrified me just as it did so long ago.

"Laundry?" he mumbled against my kiss, putting his knee on the bed to reach my face better.

"Mmm. Never mind." I pulled him back down to my level. "The bed's not so bad."

His laughter was warm against my mouth. "I've missed you, Bella."

"I missed you, too."


	15. Chapter 14

CHAPTER FOURTEEN

"That's what she said!" Embry and Quil cackled in unison, bumping fists as they threw their heads back and howled with laughter. They were sprawled over my ratty, stained, looted-from-a-garage-sale couch, scarfing down the chips and soda they'd brought.

"Grow up," I told them and threw my pillow at them, hiding my own grin. It was so hard to be mad at the wolves when they came to visit, no matter how many dirty jokes or vampire smell comments they made. Jake was usually my only visitor, so having any company to socialize with made me euphoric.

"Sorry, can't do that," Embry sighed, tossing the projectile back at me. "Red screwed that up last September."

I stiffened, as did Jacob next to me. "Red," was what the wolf pack called Victoria, along with "leech," "bloodsucker," and "vampire bitch." It was no secret that Victoria's return- and now, me, consequently- was the reason that the Quileutes were on edge again. Not only was it my fault that the entire pack had been forced to shift, screwing up all of their attempts at returning to a normal life, but Jacob had also let it slip that some of the younger boys on the reservation were starting to change, a result of the presence of a nearby vampire. Me.

"God, way to kill a mood, Em." Quil kicked him off the couch and stretched his legs over the newly acquired space.

Embry scrambled- somehow gracefully- to reclaim his spot while Jacob shifted towards the door again. He seemed more uncomfortable than his brothers, even, glancing at the door or out the large windows every so often. The arm around my waist seemed more of a formality than an actual expression of affection.

It almost reminded me of the few days before...

No, I would not think of that now. I forced a smile on my face and nudged Jacob's shoulder with mine. "Billy waiting up for you, or something?" I teased, wanting him to drop the half-interested countenance he'd been wearing for the past couple of hours.

His dark eyes turned to me, tender and cautious at the same time. "It's nothing," he replied smoothly, reaching over to ruffle my hair. Warmth bloomed in my chest at this small gesture, and I leaned against him.

"How's Emily?" I asked hesitantly. Emily had become a very good friend over the last couple of years, and it was hard not being able to see her. Jacob thought it would be okay if Sam brought her over for a visit, but both Sam and I disagreed. Jake seemed to have more faith in my self-control than I did.

"She's good," he smiled. "There's this cake contest that she's thinking about entering."

My eyebrows raised. "Good for her!" I remembered Emily's cooking with fond memories. "She should definitely do it. Tell her I said so, and good luck."

"Sure," Jacob nodded, moving his arm from my waist to my shoulders. The mattress under me was more affectionate than he was being.

"Hey, Han- Bella," Quil began, changing subjects. He held a potato chip in front of his face, inspecting it carefully. "Normal food doesn't taste good to you, right?"

"And you accused _me_ of making her feel awkward?" Embry snorted, muttering under his breath as he shoved Quil's feet off of his spot on the couch.

"It doesn't taste bad. Just bland." I shrugged. "It provides no satisfaction." Maybe it was just me, but I felt uncomfortable discussing my dietary habits in front of the wolves. It seemed inappropriate.

"Well, what about the smell? I mean, does a potato chip still smell like a potato chip? Is a burrito still a burrito?" Quil's voice was light, curious. It made me truly wonder what other thoughts the pack was submitted to while in wolf form.

"That which we call a burrito by any other name would smell as sweet," I quipped, disappointed when the guys either didn't get my joke or didn't find it amusing. _Edward would have gotten that,_ I thought before I could stop myself, and wanted to smack myself. Such ponderings had to be buried deep within me, where they couldn't hurt me.

I sighed. "A potato chip smells like a potato chip. A burrito smells like a burrito." Quil and Embry watched me intensely as I spoke, as if I was divulging some confidential vampire secret. "The only thing that's been taken out of the equation is the appeal. Flowers smell nice, but you don't really want to eat one, right? You're never tempted to take a bite out of those cardboard pine trees you hang in your car, are you?"

We were all quiet for a moment, and I seriously wondered if it was because they were saying they had. The ring of Jacob's cell phone echoed through the large, mostly empty house, and I was surprised. He didn't usually keep it on him unless he had to.

His arm disappeared from around me, and without another word, he put the phone to his ear and jogged outside. It was a private call- he ran until I couldn't make out the voice on the other side.

"So," Embry spoke up again, almost too quickly. "If you eat actual food, you have to cough it back up?"

The way he said "actual food" almost offended me, but I didn't allow myself to think of that for long. "Yeah, pretty much," I replied, and they recoiled as if I just sprouted a third arm.

"Ughhh!" they said at the same time, like twins. Disgusted grins painted their faces, though, so I didn't worry about it. "That's so gross!"

"You asked," I chuckled, leaning back on my arms.

"Yeah, I am," I heard Jacob saying outside. Quil and Embry exchanged a glance when they noticed me listening. "Mmm-hmm. Sure, sure." His laughter was genuine and warm, unlike anything I'd heard from him in a while. Jealousy for the person who was speaking to him made my nostrils flare, and I shook my head, trying to ignore the feeling.

Pursing my lips and blocking out the sound of his voice, I glared at the floor until Jacob came back inside and lowered himself back onto the mattress next to me. My hands tightened when he didn't make a move to return his arm to the spot it'd been in before he disappeared. "Do you have something you're supposed to do?" I asked him, attempting to keep emotion out of my voice and make it sound light-hearted.

Jake swapped looks with his brothers, and then his eyes cut back to me. "Uh, yeah, actually." He slowly started to stand. "Sam wants us back on the rez."

I nodded, trying very hard to believe him. "Okay. Go, then, I don't want you three in trouble."

His face broke into a grin. "Thanks, Bella. See you later."

Without a goodbye kiss, hug, or anything, he jogged out the door again, Embry and Quil following behind him.

I sighed and watched the door for a while after they left, but then my eyes drifted back toward my pitiful excuse for my bed. Jacob's phone, alone and forgotten, lay just inches from my fingertips. It didn't take me long to decide to pick it up and file through his received calls, pressing the green button when I reached his last one.

The ring didn't even last once before a chipper voice picked up. "Hey, babe! That was fast- are you already leaving?"

The truth pierced between my ribs, but somehow, I wasn't surprised. I replied civilly to the very female voice, "This is Bella. May I ask who this is?"

There was a barely audible gasp on the other side, and I knew that she knew about me. When she spoke again, her voice was very wary, controlled. "This is Hanna. Is Jacob there?"

"I was calling to ask the same thing," I explained, resisting the urge to squeeze the tiny device in my hand until it crumbled into pieces. "When he gets there, could you tell him he left his phone here?"

"Yeah. Yes." She sounded nervous, a bit scared even. It comforted me and hurt me at the same time. Jacob's behavior lately was all beginning to make so much sense. The distance, the lack of physical attention, his way of constantly seeming like he'd rather be somewhere else... Everything was falling into place in front of my eyes.

"Goodnight, Hanna," I said, and hung up before the jealous words behind my lips could spring forward. I threw the phone across the room- more gently than I wanted. It landed several yards away; the battery cover fell off, but it was otherwise unscathed. Half of me wanted to see it crushed into pieces and burned in a bonfire.

When Jacob returned half an hour later, his game face on, I was leaning against the couch, his phone sitting on the stack of newspapers and books in the center of the room. At first, he just locked gazes with mine, wondering if I was going to yell or scream. After he realized I wasn't, he crossed the room in three long strides and swiped his phone, hiding it in his pocket.

"Thanks," he murmured, his voice low and wary. He was still holding my gaze, like I was a bomb ready to explode.

"Is there something you want to tell me?" I whispered, managing to keep my tone even.

"Well, there's no point in hiding it anymore, is there?" he replied, a little bitter.

My lips pursed in response.

His arms folded over his chest, not in an angry way, but in an insecure or defensive way. "Bella, remember when we had that conversation about imprinting?" When I didn't reply, he sighed and continued. "Her name's Hanna. She's a year younger me, a senior at my old school. I met up with Jared and his girlfriend at The Lodge, and they bumped into her there and introduced us."

"How long?" I asked, feeling rejected and defeated and betrayed. But, aside from feeling sad for myself, I hurt for Jacob. It was impossible to be angry with him when I knew he was trying to resist so strong a pull for me. I knew how he must have felt for Hanna. I'd seen the way Quil looked at Claire and the way Sam looked at Emily. That kind of devotion was hard to deny. It didn't make me hurt any less, though.

"Since January."

A few months, then. I nodded. "She knows about me, doesn't she?"

"Yes."

Of course. Humiliation burned through me.

We were both silent for what seemed like years. Jacob was watching me, but I couldn't make myself meet his eyes. Misery was threatening to wash over me. Twice, now, I'd been pushed away because I wasn't what someone wanted. I almost made a joke about me getting a complex, but decided I couldn't without breaking down.

"What..." he sighed, dropping his hands and shifting like he wanted to take a step forward. "What do you want me to do?"

It should have been an easy question to reply to. I should have been able to demand right then and there that he apologize for going behind my back and tell Hanna to go jump in a lake. But I couldn't. I couldn't make myself deprive Jacob of that happiness.

"I don't know," I whispered. "I just... I want things to be like they used to be. I want to go back to before I ever made the stupid decision to move here."

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw his face stricken with pain. His hand rose to run through his hair- a reflex he hadn't broken out of since he'd cut off his long ponytail last week- but he dropped it almost at once. "You can't, Bella. You can't go back to the way things were. That's what makes them what they _were_. All you can do is try and make the best of what's happening now."

I tightened my arms around my chest, where a hole was slowly growing, devouring me from the inside out. "How can I make the best of this?" I asked, my voice soft and broken.

"I've been trying, Bella, I have." He took an actual step forward this time. "I've been trying my damnedest, but... I can't rewind time. I can't make you human again, and I can't bring Edward back like I know you want."

I flinched.

"Are you gonna be okay?" His voice was sincere, and I felt more kindness from him now, as he was rejecting me, than in the past three months we'd been together.

It was such a stupid question, though. And to ask it as I had nothing but clothes on my back and a cardboard box of prized possessions? Despite the biting remark I wanted to make, I forced my lips to curl upwards. "Yeah, Jake. I'll be fine."

My words didn't seem very convincing, so I took a deep breath and grinned as brightly as I could. "Get out of here, mutt," I told him affectionately. "You don't want your girlfriend to think the big bad vampire is sucking your blood."

At that, he nodded and started to inch towards the door. "I'll see you later then, Bella?"

"Of course," I lied, seeing the decision I'd already made playing out in my head.

"_See you later, Jake."_

When I awoke, my eyes instantly locked on Edward's. His face was just a couple inches from mine, and the soft breeze of his sweet-smelling breath tickled the bridge of my nose. Two fingers were tracing up and down my bare back, soothing and erotic at the same time.

All in all, not a bad way to begin a morning.

A smile crinkled his eyes, and I felt his thumb rubbing circles against the vertebrae of my spine. "Hello," he murmured, his velvet voice like music to my ears after the harsh dream I'd had.

In my early morning delirium, I heard myself mumble, "I'm still naked, aren't I?" The moment I'd stepped out of the shower last night, I'd wrapped myself in a towel and stumbled into bed. Edward and I had spent the better part of the night moving my things into his room and repainting mine. It had been Jasper's office before Alice had seized it and kicked him out. We painted it the goldenrod color it had been before and pulled his desk, his shelves, and his books out of the basement. By the time we finished, it was almost three in the morning, and I was dead on my feet.

"Yes, but perfectly covered," his voice was light, but his eyes were cautious. "I can leave, if you want. If you're uncomfortable with that."

I shook my head. Being nude so near to Edward should have bothered me, but it didn't. It felt natural.

"What do you want to do?" I asked, changing the subject from my apparent lack of attire.

His lips stretched upwards, but it didn't quite reach his eyes. There was something on his mind, I could tell, and I wondered if I'd said anything while I was sleeping that worried him. "Well," he began. "I received a text from Alice, and my family should be back in a couple of hours."

My expression must have changed, because he chuckled. "They don't bite," he teased, and I gave him a withering glance.

"I'm not worried about biting," I sneered. "I'm just worried that they're upset with me. I know I would be."

Edward sighed, snaking his arm around me and pulling me closer. He'd taken his shirt off last night, and my skin burned where it pressed against his. "They love you, Bella. They've already forgiven you."

I moved my gaze- the unfailing certainty made me even more on-edge. My eyes fell on his forearm- there was a streak of golden-brown paint smeared across his skin. "You didn't get a shower?"

He smiled crookedly at me. "You were just too adorable to miss for even a moment."

I resisted the tugging at the edges of my lips.

"How about I get a shower while you get dressed?" He kissed my forehead and stood, grabbing clean clothes from his closet before disappearing downstairs.

I laid in bed for a while longer, listening to the noises he made- his clothes rustling as he pulled them off, the splatter of water against the glass shower doors, his low, happy humming. If I had the choice, I'd sit there and listen to him all day. My heart was warm, and despite my anxiety over his family's return, I was content. The only place my world was falling apart, ironically, was in my dreams.

When I heard the water shut off, I sighed and got ready, pulling on a pair of khakis. When I went to find a blouse, though, I realized that I didn't have one that matched, so I was left with jeans and a t-shirt. Even though it was comfortable, I wanted to look a little bit nicer for the Cullens' return. With a sigh, I avoided the mirror and walked to the west wall. Edward's room, I'd discovered, was the one with the balcony, so I pushed open the doors and leaned over the banister. The clouds had returned, blackening the sky and expelling tiny snowflakes. It was quiet.

I heard Edward before I saw him, and he wrapped his arm around my waist. The slight warmth left over from his shower felt nice, and I leaned back into his arms. He felt so solid behind me, and my skin prickled with heat. "Mmm" he murmured, burying his nose in my hair. "You belong here."

"I know," I told him, and it was true. I was born to fit right into his embrace. Neither of us would ever be able to function properly without the other.

"May I..." He paused, and his voice sounded almost embarrassed. "May I ask you a question that could possibly be a bit of a sore subject?"

I nodded, curious. We'd talked about everything and nothing these past few days. Serious topics were never breached.

"Why, after Victoria changed you," he began, practically spitting her name. "Why did you leave Jacob?"

I _had_ been talking in my sleep, then.

"Lots of reasons," I sighed, pressing my back against his chest. His arms wound tighter around me, his fingers splaying across my stomach. "The first reason was mostly because Jacob fell in love with another girl."

"Jacob Black is an idiot for letting you go," he muttered.

I shook my head. Edward didn't understand, and I didn't feel like explaining. "I also left because my being there was bad for the wolf pack. It put their instincts on edge, and some of the kids on the reservation were shifting."

His lips brushed against my hair. "It must have been hard for you," he said softly, his mouth on my ear.

"Very."

Edward took my hands. "Come, love. I've written some new songs lately, and I want your opinions." And with that, I allowed myself to be led downstairs and seduced by melodies and harmonies.

.o0o.

My entire body tensed when Emmett's jeep crunched along the gravel driveway, the softer purr of Carlisle's car behind it. Ice froze in my belly, and my lungs threatened to jump out of my mouth.

Edward's hands didn't stop dancing across the keys, but he looked up at me and smiled. "Be brave," he whispered. "They're all in a very good mood."

"He's playing!" I heard Esme say to Carlisle outside. "Honey, he's playing!"

"See?" He raised an eyebrow at me, and my anxiety bated a bit, but not by much.

There had been loud pop music coming from one of the cars, but when the engine cut off, so did the music. Alice's soprano voice had been weaving in a harmony, but switched to the melody when she went a Capella. Emmett and Jasper were arguing sports, and Rosalie was muttering something under her breath. It was possible that they weren't coming at me with pitchforks and torches.

Edward suddenly made a noise that was half a growl and half a chuckle. "Yes, Alice, of course," he said, just a little louder than speaking level. To me, he whispered, "She was wondering if we were decent.

I wanted to laugh, but had I been human, my face would be bright red. Leave it to Alice to think of that.

"Welcome home," Edward called when his family stepped inside. He finished the song he'd been playing with a flourish and went to meet them, giving me a sign that said, "Hold on."

"Is she still sleeping?" I heard Carlisle murmur.

"No, she's awake, but she has something she wants to say to everybody, first..."

My heart gave a painful squeeze, and I smoothed my palms over my jeans. I tried to take slow breaths, running over what I was going to say. There was no reason to be nervous, I told myself. These were my friends, Edward's family. They were understanding, and... and they loved me.

"Bella?" Edward leaned around the wall to look at me. "Are you ready?"

I nodded, leaving my place on the piano bench and rounding the corner. Edward's brothers and sisters were settled on the couch and in the chair. Esme and Carlisle stood behind the loveseat, watching me expectantly and encouragingly. I attempted to smile, but it was weak. "Hello," I began, clearing my throat.

"First, I just wanted to thank you all for opening your home to me. It means more to me than you know." Another Christmas morning spent curled up on the couch watching holiday specials by myself would have given me suicidal tendencies. "I also wanted to tell you how grateful I am for your patience with me. I know I haven't exactly been the easiest person to deal with lately."

Rosalie snorted, and Carlisle reached over and flicked the back of her head. Edward snickered.

"She's right," I sighed, hooking my thumbs in my back pockets. "I've been rude, insensitive, and paranoid. I was so caught up in my issues that I didn't stop to think that for maybe one minute, I could stop holding a grudge against you all long enough to see that you were trying to help me. If you want to be mad at me, that's okay, be mad." Shrugging one shoulder, I smiled at Rosalie. "I deserve it."

What I thought would be a feat was coming easier than I had thought it would. These people cared about me, and I cared about them. It wasn't hard to apologize. "So," I continued. "I just wanted to say I'm sorry. For saying hurtful things, for assuming the worst from you, and for taking your love and generosity for granted. Edward and I had a talk the other night, and it made me realize that I wasn't the only one in pain. I wish I could take back everything that's happened since you arrived here, and I'd like to continue being a part of this family, if that's alright with all of you."

I stole a glance at Edward, and he was beaming proudly at me. Everything about myself felt lighter, relaxed. A heavy burden seemed to have been lifted from my shoulders.

Now was the hard part: their response. Nobody seemed to be glaring at me, even Rosalie. They were all quiet, though, watching me. Esme's lips were pressed tight against a smile, her grip on Carlisle's arm tight.

Alice shifted so that she was on the edge of the couch, and she looked up at me. "Are you done?" she asked, her tone impatient.

I tried to hide the dejection I felt and nodded. If Alice wasn't ready to forgive me, I couldn't expect much from the rest of the family.

The minute I said yes, though, she shot from her seat and tackled me with a hug. Her embrace literally knocked the breath out of me, and Edward had to grab my forearm to keep me from falling over. She threw her arms around my neck and held me tight. Esme was hot on her heels, approaching in a much more ladylike fashion, but hugging me as tightly as she could.

"You have always been a part of this family, Bella, and you always will be." She kissed my temple, and I felt my heart expanding.

So happy I felt I could cry, I looked over my shoulder at Edward. He was leaning against the wall, watching his family embrace me. His face broke into a grin, and he winked at me. "I told you so."


End file.
